Love Sacs and Douche Bags

School may have been cancelled this Monday, but here's something I learned over my 3-day weekend: douche bags have LoveSacs. Maybe it's a generalization, but in my experiences so far, I'd say it's been pretty sound.

This is a new trend I've noticed going around Provo. Bean bags, as it turns out, are for little girls and their friends at sleepovers. LoveSacs are for little men and their potential NCMO's at all hours of the night.

Here are some things you can assume /expect when you walk into a boy's apartment and you spy a LoveSac conveniently placed before a very nice TV:

1. They probably spent quite a bit of money on said TV. This is because they spend a lot of time in front of it with whatever girls happen to follow them home on any given night. This does not, however, mean that they will spend a lot of time actually watching the TV.

2. The guys who live in this apartment are douche bags. They come in all shapes and sizes. They can be premies or RM's, ranging in age from about 18-26, typically. Some dress nicely and smell good, while others are prime candidates for "What Not to Wear." There are gamers and there are athletes. Despite all of these idiosyncrasies, the thing they all have in common is their horniness.

3. Upon entering and noticing the LoveSac, you will feel a sense of mild discomfort. This will only increase as the night progresses, and you will want to shoot yourself by the time the boy sitting next to you tries to slip his hand into your tightly-clenched fist....for the twenty-sixth time in a row.

4. The guys you will be spending time with are not guys of the highest caliber. They may not avoid the niceties altogether, but the words rolling off their tongues will be practiced and mendacious. The more time you spend with them, exchanging pleasantries, the more apparent their insincerity will become. Oh, sure, they will ask you where you are going to school, what your major is, where you're from, and your favorite color. The more sophisticated ones often try to lay a foundation for a shadow of a friendship, luring you into a sense of false security by picking one thing to tease you about. This gives the impression that the two of you are, in fact, close friends. Inside jokes are a favorite tool of these con men. There are those who are so dedicated that they will go so far as to avidly inquire after your long-gone great-grandmother's floral preferences, but you will not be fooled. You will recognize the hollowness of the things they say because of the unmerited confidence with which they try to make a move on you immediately following their carefully placed comment. It is astounding.

5. You will be watching a scary movie. It is a statistical fact that girls are more inclined to make out with guys after watching a scary movie than after any other kind of movie. This statistic makes practical sense, and even guys who have not heard it stated as a hard and fast statistic will swear by it and count on it. Since the guys you are hanging out with are douchebags, this will be even more than a convenient truth to them: it will be one of their favorite mantras. (You'll find it right up there on the list next to "'No' means 'yes,'" or at least an accommodating 'later.')

6. You will be getting home much later than you had planned on, or want. When you find yourself in this situation, beware! Douche bags feel no obligation to bring girls home when they ask, particularly if the hour is respectable. Depending on how severe their lack of respect is, they may not even feel an obligation to bring you home when you openly discuss with your friend all the people you could possibly call to come and rescue you (admittedly a short list, considering the time of night--or morning). In fact, they may not even act flustered while you and your friend toy with the idea of walking home, a distance of several miles in winter-clad Provo at 4 in the morning. This will not faze them, as you may have hoped. In fact, they will think it is completely normal and try to give you a hug as you leave.

7. Following this harrowing experience, you will find yourself in a state of embarrassment at your own naivety. You will replay the scenes to yourself, storing away the things the boys said that initially caught your interest and sliding them neatly into a drawer in the filing cabinets of your mind labelled "CAUTION! AVOID!" You will also find yourself annoyed that you ever appeared to be the kind of girl this new generation of LoveSac Douche Bags would prefer. You will subconsciously check the length of your skirt and the scoop of the neck on your shirt, only to approve of them all over again. You are not the problem. You are a tasteful and classy individual, if a little naive.

But here's my question. Is it really naivety to assume that you will be given a ride back to your own apartment when you request it? Should this assumption really be chalked up to inexperience, or is it a reasonable expectation that was sadly tromped all over in an unfortunate (but rare) experience?

Women all over the globe can be heard to lament that "chivalry is dead." In my opinion, chivalry is opening doors, small acts of protectiveness, a coat in the mud, even standing when the woman of the house enters the room. I can live without these things. I am perfectly capable of getting my own door and stepping around the mud puddle. It's not a "deal breaker" if the boy turns off the heater without asking me if I am comfortable and warm. Of course I will be pleased if a boy does do these things, but I don't mind a more modern man, either.

Taking a girl home when it was you who drove her to your apartment, and she tells you she is ready to leave, is not chivalry. It is common respect. I would even go so far as to say it is common sense. If your mother did not instill this idea in you, your conscience should have taken care of it. When a girl says, "Please take me home," you take her home. That some boys think it is acceptable to essentially hold a girl hostage is ridiculous to me. A few days ago, I would have even said it was inconceivable!

Unfortunately, it is not so far-fetched as one might hope.

Young single women of Provo, be on your guard against these skeezes I have just described.