How to Look Like a Freshman 101

Another semester is beginning, and I feel like my beloved campus in under attack. The population on campus seems to have septupled overnight, and I am not the happiest camper about it.

1. Class Tardiness

If you want to look like an upperclassman, stroll in a few minutes late, looking unconcerned.

If you want to look like it is your second or third semester, rush in a few minutes late looking slightly flustered but not breathing heavily and dripping sweat.

If you want to look like a freshman, dash frantically into your class after attacking several more knowledgeable looking students asking for directions.

2. Lunchtime

Upperclassmen look around at the crowd, annoyed. They find a table quickly and set their stuff down to save their spot before getting in one of the appallingly long lines. They sometimes bring their own lunches or snacks in order to avoid the lines altogether.

Relatively experienced students will have a look of grudging resignation as they scan the jampacked CougarEat. They have not mastered the art of finding a table, but usually will not plunk down at a table with strangers and try to strike up a conversation. They wait in line for their entire break, scarf down their food, and then hurry off to their next class.

Freshmen, almost without fail, have a meal plan. They do not pack a lunch for themselves. They can never seem to find a table. They usually end up sidling up to a table with an empty seat and asking if they can join the people already there. They see it as a nice way to make friends. It seems like upperclassmen have gotten over this pretty quickly and just want to sit and eat in peace. If they can't find a table at the CougarEat, they will find one elsewhere or get their food to go.

3. Walking Home

Older students know their way around Provo. They know how to find a place just by knowing it's address. (When someone asks them, mystified, how they can do this, they shrug and say something about a grid system. Whatever.)

Sophomores have usually just moved out of freshmen housing and are more likely to get lost and call their friends for directions.

Freshmen typically do not know directions yet and are uncomfortable going anywhere other than their apartment, if they are just walking. Some people never grow out of this. Oh, me. That's me. I called Aimee about 4 times trying to get home from campus yesterday.

4. Dance Classes

If you want to look like a freshman, the best way to do this is by taking a 100 level dance class. It is easy easy easy to pick out which of the male dancers are freshmen.

5. The Bookstore

Buy all your books at the BYU Bookstore. Wince a little as you hand over your card, but just accept the outrageous prices as a fact of life. Don't think to look on half.com or amazon.com. Don't even consider asking friends who may have taken the class before you or going to Boomerang Books to see if there are better deals there. That's not what you do if you want to look like a freshman.

6. Parking

There is no way to not look like a freshman when it comes to parking. It is heinous. It is atrocious. The only solution would be to bring back the bus passes.