Bachelorette Heather

Sometimes when I watch the Bachelorette, I accidentally start to feel like I am The Bachelorette. By that I just mean that I relate men on the show to men in my life.

And sometimes I accidentally almost try out to be the next Bachelorette, nearly giving my father a heart attack.

Also, I sometimes get way more flirtatious when I watch the show. Oops.

The Bachelorette also makes me think about what I would like to say to all of the boys who have ever had a part in my life. Sometimes I wish I could line them all up, like for a rose ceremony, but it would be way longer, because I wouldn't just hand them a rose or not. I would go down the line and tell them all exactly what I think of them.

To Bachelor #1, I would say: "I wish I could make up my mind about you. That would be cool."

I would give him a rose. And then I would flounce on over to Bachelor #2, to whom I would say:

"I wish it wasn't so easy to talk to you. I wish you didn't catch on to my jokes so quickly. I wish I didn't love your family so hard. I wish you would go jump in a lake and never take me to dinner again."

And then I would kindly send him on his way, out of my life forever, and turn to Bachelor #3. I would really love to smack him soundly across the face, but ladies on The Bachelorette use their words more than their open palms, so instead, I would probably say something like:

"You are so gay. I don't even have words. You are also super-horny and I don't think I've ever met someone as immature as you are. Anddd you are a slobbery kisser. If I never see you again it will be too soon."

And then I would snap my fingers and have some burly security guards come and escort him out. And by "escort," I mean "defenestrate."

To Bachelor #4, I would say: "Again, no. No. Stop making awkward comments. It's not going to happen. I can't stress this enough. Please stop being self-destructive."

And then, hopefully, Bachelor #4 would take my advice, and I wouldn't give him a rose, and we would both be much happier, and I could move on to the next man in the line.

To whom I would say: "Awkward that I had a dream about you recently. Also awkward that you are suddenly my favorite person in this line, but still in a totally platonic way." And then he would scoot on out the door and back to his lovely wife, who really is lovely, and we would all carry on in our happily separate lives.

Bachelor #5 (since that last one doesn't really count as a bachelor) is a man to whom I really have nothing to say. Besides, "I still wish I had timed that better, so I could have at least gotten a ride on your motorcycle."

And that would be the last time I ever expressed an ounce of sorrow that that is over.

Bachelor #6 is someone I would not be altogether thrilled to see, because I would have to say sorry to him. I'd have to tell him that, all toolish Facebook pictures aside, I actually think he's kind of a catch. And I really should have gone to the lake with him. I would offer him a rose, but I doubt he would take it.

Next I would say, "Oh hello, Bachelor #7. I don't know why I think you are so cute, but I really do. I may have told my friend that you look like Nick Jonas. It's a good thing, don't worry. I also have a secret goal that involves you serenading me by the end of the summer."

Hopefully, he would work extremely hard to help me accomplish that goal. I mean, there is a rose on the line.

But then I would get to Bachelor #8, who would probably have brought his girlfriend in an attempt to make me feel stupid. But I would just smile at her, wondering what on Earth she could be thinking, and tell him that if I had to relive it, I would reject him again. Even now that I know of the awkwardness that followed. Even if I had to relive that 100 times.

Once Bachelor #8 and his girlfriend had gone on their way, I would turn my attention to Bachelor #9. At this point, my burly security guards would hand me a palm tree, with which i would thump him on the head. Then I would say:

"You're the dumbest boy I've ever met! Honestly! And you look like you're twelve! And I don't care that much for you, but I can't understand you for the life of me. Literally, no understanding. Goodbye." Cue the burly security guards.

I would then grab Bachelor #10 by his lapels and shake him. And I would demand that he take me on a date right then, because I still freakin' want a date with that man. Emily always asks, "Will you accept this rose?" But our conversation would sound more like, "Take the dang rose."

When I got back from my date with Bachelor #10, which I'm sure would be a letdown after all this time and anticipation, I would smile winningly at Bachelor #11. And if I was feeling particularly bold, I might just say:

"Yeah, I did make it a point to memorize and call your number during kissing rugby. You better be there when I go again. I promise I'll try to say something clever this time. I was feeling a little concussed last time, okay?"

I'm sure he would respond positively. Especially when I handed him a rose.

As The Bachelorette, I would hand Bachelor #12 a rose, along with date card asking him to go country-dancing with me. For some reason, I think that would be so fun....but I think I would send him home after that.

I would tell Bachelor #13:

"Your girl has frizzy hair. And I don't know why you're in my line, you should be in my friend's line of bachelors.....but while you're here, I might as well tell you that you are ruining my life right now. I hope you're happy."

My producers would come and help him find the right line, and I would turn to Bachelor #14.

"Hi," I would say. "You're an idiot. I am going to txt you one more time....one. And that will be the last time we ever speak if you don't call me up soon afterwards to ask me to go fly a kite with you."

Oh, and then I would say the exact same thing to Bachelor #15. And I would ask them both on a group date for the next week.

And finally, I would ask Bachelor #16 this burning question I've been dying to ask for about a month now: "Are you gay?"

I would also invite this guy to come on my season.....

....provided he doesn't win Emily's heart,

 and I would send this guy:

p-p-p-packing. So fast. And you better believe I wouldn't be going to meet his parents. 

Blame Your Friends

Do you have friends?

Do you have bad friends?

Do you have friends that are so bad, they have actually ruined your life once or twice?

I know someone who has friends like that. I would like to tell him, but I think that would be rude. So I'll just keep it to myself. (And my blog.)

Dear Self (and Blog),

He was nice. He was cute. He had really lovely eyes. He rides motorcycles and he was timely and a good driver. He got the door for me and pulled out my chair and told me to get whatever I wanted.

I will not be seeing him again.

It's not his fault, really. I can look past the fact that his car was called the blunt cruiser. Not blunt as in dull, blunt as in a blunt. I can look past the fact that I didn't get home until 1:30 when really, I should have been home by 12, with how the night was going. I can look past the awkward questions that made me feel like I was being evaluated for marriage.

But I cannot look past his friends, and so, cute motorcycle RM entreupreuner, I bid you farewell. May your taste in friends someday be as good as your taste in girls.

Sincerely,
Me

I'm in Love.

With Florida.

I am in love with palm trees. I love their rustly palm leaves and their jaggedy trunks. I love that they are everywhere here.

I am in love with the sunshine. I love that it follows me. I love that it tans me. I love that I can feel it on my bare skin in the middle of winter. I love how it dries my hair in just a few minutes.

I am in love with the ocean. I love the stripes of color, the green that fades to blue that suddenly becomes light sandy brown. I love the shells that get tossed around all day by the foamy waves. I love how the salty water tastes.

I am in love with the sand. I love how it is so soft, but so easy to pack. I love how it feels on my feet. I love pushing my hands into the sand and feeling how cool it is where the sun isn't touching it. I love drawing in it. I love doing cartwheels on the sand.

I am in love with my job. I love that I can do hair. I love that I can make people believe that I am magical. I love that I can talk to little girls from everywhere, from Mexico, or Brazil, or France, or the United States. I love that I can feel these little girls' spirits as I talk to them about whatever while I do their makeover. I love that I work with people who are so fun and nice.

I am in love with flipflops. I love the way they slide on my feet without any hassle. I love when I get a flipflop tanline. I love seeing my toes and wiggling them around.

I am in love with motorcycles. I have said it a million times, but I just think they're the hottest thing ever. I love wearing heels and a dress and climbing on the back of a motorcycle. I love holding on tight and shooting down the road. I love putting my hands up and feeling like I'm flying. I love the way the wind pulls on my hair.

I am in love with Cici's Pizza. I love how nice the workers are. I love the macaroni pizza. I love how small the slices are. I love the desserts. I love paying hardly anything for a whole meal. I love not being hungry for a whole day after eating there.

I can't ever leave this place. Why did I think I could be here for 4 months and then leave? I'm so in love with everything about Florida.

That Don't Impress Me Much

Attention boys: I have here a list of things that do not impress me very much. I'm not necessarily trying to speak for all the ladies everywhere, but if you can impress me, there is a large number of other girls who will be similarly impressed. So, without further ado:

Things that Fail to Impress:

1. Staring at me while smoking a cigarette with your pants super-low and your boxers awkwardly hanging out until I look at you, at which point you jut out your chin and smile toothily at me, making me feel really ready for the bus to come.

2. Smoking while wearing anything and looking anywhere, for that matter.

3. Hating on Mormons and BYU within 5 minutes of meeting me, while insisting that you have nothing against Mormons but UNLV has a rivalry with BYU so obviously it makes sense that you have shirts that say F BYU on them.

4. Continuing to dig yourself into a deeper hole by saying that your mom made fun of Mormons but that doesn't mean you have anything against them because your best friend in the world is Mormon and you dated a Mormon girl but she got you in trouble and she wasn't a good Mormon.

5. Telling me that you are Flynn Ryder / Prince Charming / Prince Eric at Disney World and then having me find out from Pocahontas / Mulan / Silver Mist that that was a blatant lie that you were spreading shamelessly all over the ward so more girls would like you. When that's really unnecessary since you're already cute, so getting girls to like you is a non-issue, I would think.

6. Having nothing to say. Ever. But wanting to talk. For long periods of time. (Why? If I had nothing to say, talking would not be fun. I have lots to say, so I love talking. If I had nothing to say, I wouldn't like talking nearly as much.)

7. Telling me you are 18. This one's out of your control. Sorry....I'm just saying.

8. Ten minutes after we meet, telling me that you got kicked out of some police academy for breaking your stepdad's jaw. Really not impressive! Why would you think it would be?

9. Being really cute and then opening your mouth and ruining it by saying nothing intelligent and then sitting in front of me in sacrament meeting and not even paying attention because you are too busy flirting and back-scratching and whispering and.....etc.

Things that DO impress:

1. Magic tricks. With cards.

2. Australian accents.

3. Speaking another language and teaching it to me.

4. Niceness. Like being nice to everyone.

5. Feeding me.

6. Having a motorcycle.

7. Telling me I look like I should be a Disney princess. I don't care that it's cheesy, I will appreciate it!

8. Thinking I am funny.

9. Steak'n'Shake.

Trilingual Triple Threat

Last weekend was a very productive one for me. I am trying to make the most of my summer, and I know I won't have as much free time when school starts up again. I am compiling a list here of things I want to have done before the summer is over:

1. Learn French. I just signed up to start getting the French word of the day in my email. So far I know how to say, "My mailbox is always empty; no one ever writes me!" and "Chestntuts are surrounded by a stinging envelope called husk." I'm pretty excited about it.

2. Learn Spanish. I also signed up for the Spanish word of the day. This one is harder to get excited about, since I took 3 years of Spanish in high school, but I think Spanish might be more useful than French. In America, at least. Once I learn both Spanish and French, I will be trilingual, which is where the title for this post came from.

3. Ride more motorcycles. I had a goal to ride every color of motorcycle by the end of the summer and I've only ridden two....a red one and a yellow one. So if you know anyone with a green, blue, purple, or neutral-colored motorcycle (i.e., white, black, or silver) and an extra helmet for a nice blonde girl, let me know!

4. Join a book club. There are actually two I want to join....one in Winnie's ward and one in my own ward. Both are led and attended by cute boys. Oh, also, I like reading. And being intellectual, etc.

5. Go dancing with my girl friends :) We are doing this tomorrow and I'm so excited! I haven't gone dancing in a really long time and it's making me a little sad.

6. Learn tennis. I've kind of wanted to know how to play tennis since I was in high school, since they just get to wear those cute little white skirts and tennis shoes and visors, and it's such good exercise, and you can get a tan while you're doing it, and you're athletic, and you can play it with other ladies when you get older and your kids are in school or whatever. Plus they have really cute tennis rackets available, with pink handles and such. Chelsea played tennis in high school and she is going to teach me how to play once she recovers from her apparently life-threatening illness.

7. Earn more money. I'm poor.

8. Get rid of my tanlines. I know, I know. I wrote a post earlier about how much I lovvve tanlines. But I have some ridiculous ones from laying out in short shorts instead of in a real live swimsuit, from the beginning of the summer. They are embarrassing. I need to get rid of them.

So that is my list of summertime goals! If you have any more suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

How delightful

Sometimes, at random points in my day, I will feel bursts of excitement, for no reason in particular. I hope you know what I'm talking about...when you feel just thrilled to be where you are, to be so unalterably you, whatever the circumstances.

Here are some things that make me feel like this more often than not:

1. Popsicles. I don't know what it is about them, but popsicles can make my day instantly better. They are so delicious and not even really bad for you. I get one every time I take a test and now, I actually look forward to going to the testing center because of them.

2. Letters. I usually feel a little sick when I'm walking to the mailbox, because I am disappointed more often than not :( But on those days that I actually do see my name on an envelope casually leaning against the wall in my mailbox, I get so happyy. I can't stop smiling and I usually can't wait until I get back to my apartment to open my letter.

3. Walking through campus. Today I had one of these moments when I was walking from the back of the library to the front of the library. I realized I was walking among amazing people, and I got goosebumps at the thought that I was allowed to be in this place that I love so much.

4. Kisses. I think kissing is fantastic. I don't do it very often, because I'm really picky about who I kiss. Like, reallyy picky. But maybe that's why I like it so much; I've never had a bad experience with kissing.

5. The Cougar fight song. Last night the Cougars took on the San Diego Aztecs in basketball, and I was in attendance. I had heard it would be a really intense game and I was not disappointed. Usually I think of human sacrifices when I think of Aztecs, but our boys were far from being sacrificed. Final score? .....Not sure. BYU scored 80 points, so I got cake. And that's what is really important. Anyway, every time we sang the fight song, I just felt this huge sense of pride. I'm here, I'm in college, I'm a cougar, and I'm sO happy about it :)

6. Motorcycles. Ever since I was little, I have LOVED motorcycles. When I see a boy on a motorcycle, he is instantly 5x cuter than I might otherwise think he was. Wrapping my arms around one of those boys and zooming off through traffic gives me such a high. And when I get off the motorcycle after my ride, I have to consciously hold myself back from kissing the boy. It's embarrassing. We won't even be dating, I won't even like him, and for some reason I have to actually remind myself of this so I can stand up straight.

7. Giving blood. Last time I got so excited that I had to come back 2 days later because my heart rate was too high. That's how much I love giving blood.

8. Pickles. I am seldom happier than when I am eating a really good pickle. I get one every Wednesday at the Blue Line Deli and in those moments when I am eating it, all my problems disappear.

Of course, there are other things that make me feel happy, content, or pleasantly surprised. I love talking to my parents on the phone. I enjoy working out. I'm pleased when I do well on a test. I used to like driving and singing along to the radio, when I had access to a car. I love holding babies when they're happy. I like getting new clothes. I think it's fun to get dressed up and go to dance parties. But these aren't the things that randomly thrill me, that make me so happy that I am myself. I guess it's the little things that really do that!

"Today you are you,
That is truer than true.
There is no one alive
That is you-er than you." ~Dr. Suess