Swearing After Midnight

So, I love my family. Soooo so so much. I think they are the best family in the entire world.

But this last weekend, I hung out with my pretend family here in Utah, who I told you about before, and it was very different than when I hang out with my Connor family in Maryland.

For example: my Connor brothers tackle me about 50% of the times that I try to tackle them. My Utah brothers tackle me whenever they walk past me. My Connor dad likes to go to bed before 11, 12 at the latest. For Uncle Wayne, the party is just getting started at 11 pm.

Here's a summary of the weekend, in dialogue form:

Me: So what's this game called?
Steve: This is Screw Your Neighbor.
Grandma: I think we should call it, Trick Your Neighbor, or Cheat Your Neighbor. Those sound nicer.
Uncle Wayne: What, Grandma, you don't want to screw your neighbor?
Grandma: You mean my grandson? No.
Valen: Kill your neighbor?
Me: Bum-squeeze your neighbor!

"Now we've gotta sit here and watch him play with them all night...." -a very unhappy Grandpa while Caden was shuffling the cards

"Oooh, sorry. You didn't hear that, right? Sorry....I swear after midnight." -Uncle Wayne

Uncle Wayne: Hey, put those away! I got those for breakfast tomorrow.
Grandma: Tomorrow's Fast Sunday....
*Everyone pounces on the donuts. Someone gets out milk. And chips. And another bag of chips as well.*
Steve: *pushing the chips towards me* Eat some NOW! Didn't you hear? Tomorrow's Fast Sunday!

"Be nice to your SISTER!" - any of the boys when one of their brothers punched, poked, tickled, squeezed, and harassed me in any way

Brad: Girls don't fart, they whisper in their panties.
Caden: Grandma, do you whisper in your panties?
Grandma: No, I scream.
Uncle Wayne --> Grandpa: She's your wife....

"You should know they're just doing this because you're here. So they all have to flex their hormones." -Grandpa

Valen: I'm flirting with her! We're txting and flirting right now!
Steve: Yeah, maybe you can shut up about it and take your turn....
Valen: Shut up, just because you don't have a girlfriend!
Steve: You're not gonna have one either when she comes over and sees how wild you are....
Me: Steve doesn't have a girlfriend because he's waiting to take my sister on a date in the fall!

"Next you'll be saying you yodel in your panties. Here come the yodelers! Boy, that'll ruin girls for you. I never would've wanted to get married if I had heard about this before." -Uncle Wayne

Steve: Noo-no!
Me: Noo-no? You mean Uno?
Steve: Noo-no what I meant!

And here is a list of the nicknames I earned, names I don't recall ever having been called by my own family:

- Woman
- Mama
- Sugar
- Toots
- Steering Wheel
- Four-wheeler

...............................don't ask. 

Casanova Car

It's a different girl who walks into the saloon state of Ohio only two days later. Her spurs don't click defiantly; they scuff along half-heartedly. She slides into a stool at the bar. There's no gun-slinging today, no threats to the bartender. He eyes her warily.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

She blinks up at him, eyes big and wet. "I...." She shakes her head. "Oatmeal?"

Bartender's mouth pinches over to one side. He rummages, then sets a bottle on the counter and slides it over to Girl.

Girl looks at the bottle, eyes dull.

"I've seen bad," Bartender says, by way of explanation. "I know when people need something stronger than oatmeal."

He turns away, to give her time with the bottle.

"It was morning," she whispers.

Bartender looks back. "I'm sorry?"

"Morning. When he left." She's staring off, looking listlessly at nothing. Her finger traces a squiggly line on the bottle.

Bartender casts a longing gaze at the swinging doors, hoping someone will come in and spare him from this conversation. Girl doesn't notice his look.

"I loved him. You know?" she continues. "I know it was only 2 days. But I thought he was different. I really thought it was going to be me and him, forever. Just me and Lerone."

The grizzled man next to Girl leans over, sloshing his drink as he does. "Only the good die young," he offers hopefully, and lets out a huge belch.

"He didn't die," Girl murmurs.  She opens the bottle and takes a long drink.

"He lied."

Goodbye, Lerone. And screw you! Emily made the right choice when she cut you without a single rose.

A True Love Story

Girl walks into a bar.

Or a car dealership, whatever. To continue -

The first few rays of the barely-rising sun gleam off her spurs as she steps up to the counter.

"Give me something hard," she says, "I want the strongest thing you've got."

Bartender gulps nervously. "The strongest I've got?" he stammers. "It's barely sun-up. We're serving oatmeal right now and...."

Girl springs across the counter. Bartender finds himself eye-to-eye with the girl, her fingers twisting his collar, the cold mouth of her gun pressed against his head. "I said, I want the strongest thing you got," she says slowly.

"Baby, don't waste your time," comes a voice from the door.

Girl and Bartender snap their faces over to the door, squinting against the sunlight. Girl loosens her grip on Bartender and he slumps to the ground.

"You're gonna tell me what to do?" Girl replies. But she's listening, taking in his silhouette.

"I wouldn't tell you what to do." The figure at the door is back-lit by the sun, but Girl can hear a smile in his voice. He takes a step forward. "But I know what you want," he continues.

"How do you know anything about me?" she asks. He takes another step forward. She swings her arm up, cocking the gun as she aims it at him. "And I'd stay there, if I were you," she advises.

He doesn't even hesitate. He takes another step. "I know what you want, because it describes me perfectly," he says. "I'll give you the moon and stars." He's rugged. His voice slips through pearly-white teeth like honey dripping on the floor.

"What a line," Girl remarks. "Is there a lady in this world who would fall for that?"

"Couldn't say." He takes another step. She's close enough to study the stubble that dots his perfectly cut jaw. "Never had a reason to use it before now," he adds.

"What's the occasion?" she asks.

"Meeting the most perfect girl in the world..." he replies. Her gun clatters to the floor. He slides his hand under her hair, pulling her into his embrace. "...And kissing her," he finishes.

He dips her low. Lips meet. Just outside the saloon, fireworks erupt.

Girl's eyes flutter. "Who are you?" she whispers.

"Lerone," he smiles. "I'm Lerone."

This man and I....we're gonna go far together. 

PS: Is it normal to want to pet your car? And run to the window every hour to make sure he's still there? Or at least to sigh happily and smile at him? Not saying I did those things. Just wondering if that's normal. 

Bachelorette Heather

Sometimes when I watch the Bachelorette, I accidentally start to feel like I am The Bachelorette. By that I just mean that I relate men on the show to men in my life.

And sometimes I accidentally almost try out to be the next Bachelorette, nearly giving my father a heart attack.

Also, I sometimes get way more flirtatious when I watch the show. Oops.

The Bachelorette also makes me think about what I would like to say to all of the boys who have ever had a part in my life. Sometimes I wish I could line them all up, like for a rose ceremony, but it would be way longer, because I wouldn't just hand them a rose or not. I would go down the line and tell them all exactly what I think of them.

To Bachelor #1, I would say: "I wish I could make up my mind about you. That would be cool."

I would give him a rose. And then I would flounce on over to Bachelor #2, to whom I would say:

"I wish it wasn't so easy to talk to you. I wish you didn't catch on to my jokes so quickly. I wish I didn't love your family so hard. I wish you would go jump in a lake and never take me to dinner again."

And then I would kindly send him on his way, out of my life forever, and turn to Bachelor #3. I would really love to smack him soundly across the face, but ladies on The Bachelorette use their words more than their open palms, so instead, I would probably say something like:

"You are so gay. I don't even have words. You are also super-horny and I don't think I've ever met someone as immature as you are. Anddd you are a slobbery kisser. If I never see you again it will be too soon."

And then I would snap my fingers and have some burly security guards come and escort him out. And by "escort," I mean "defenestrate."

To Bachelor #4, I would say: "Again, no. No. Stop making awkward comments. It's not going to happen. I can't stress this enough. Please stop being self-destructive."

And then, hopefully, Bachelor #4 would take my advice, and I wouldn't give him a rose, and we would both be much happier, and I could move on to the next man in the line.

To whom I would say: "Awkward that I had a dream about you recently. Also awkward that you are suddenly my favorite person in this line, but still in a totally platonic way." And then he would scoot on out the door and back to his lovely wife, who really is lovely, and we would all carry on in our happily separate lives.

Bachelor #5 (since that last one doesn't really count as a bachelor) is a man to whom I really have nothing to say. Besides, "I still wish I had timed that better, so I could have at least gotten a ride on your motorcycle."

And that would be the last time I ever expressed an ounce of sorrow that that is over.

Bachelor #6 is someone I would not be altogether thrilled to see, because I would have to say sorry to him. I'd have to tell him that, all toolish Facebook pictures aside, I actually think he's kind of a catch. And I really should have gone to the lake with him. I would offer him a rose, but I doubt he would take it.

Next I would say, "Oh hello, Bachelor #7. I don't know why I think you are so cute, but I really do. I may have told my friend that you look like Nick Jonas. It's a good thing, don't worry. I also have a secret goal that involves you serenading me by the end of the summer."

Hopefully, he would work extremely hard to help me accomplish that goal. I mean, there is a rose on the line.

But then I would get to Bachelor #8, who would probably have brought his girlfriend in an attempt to make me feel stupid. But I would just smile at her, wondering what on Earth she could be thinking, and tell him that if I had to relive it, I would reject him again. Even now that I know of the awkwardness that followed. Even if I had to relive that 100 times.

Once Bachelor #8 and his girlfriend had gone on their way, I would turn my attention to Bachelor #9. At this point, my burly security guards would hand me a palm tree, with which i would thump him on the head. Then I would say:

"You're the dumbest boy I've ever met! Honestly! And you look like you're twelve! And I don't care that much for you, but I can't understand you for the life of me. Literally, no understanding. Goodbye." Cue the burly security guards.

I would then grab Bachelor #10 by his lapels and shake him. And I would demand that he take me on a date right then, because I still freakin' want a date with that man. Emily always asks, "Will you accept this rose?" But our conversation would sound more like, "Take the dang rose."

When I got back from my date with Bachelor #10, which I'm sure would be a letdown after all this time and anticipation, I would smile winningly at Bachelor #11. And if I was feeling particularly bold, I might just say:

"Yeah, I did make it a point to memorize and call your number during kissing rugby. You better be there when I go again. I promise I'll try to say something clever this time. I was feeling a little concussed last time, okay?"

I'm sure he would respond positively. Especially when I handed him a rose.

As The Bachelorette, I would hand Bachelor #12 a rose, along with date card asking him to go country-dancing with me. For some reason, I think that would be so fun....but I think I would send him home after that.

I would tell Bachelor #13:

"Your girl has frizzy hair. And I don't know why you're in my line, you should be in my friend's line of bachelors.....but while you're here, I might as well tell you that you are ruining my life right now. I hope you're happy."

My producers would come and help him find the right line, and I would turn to Bachelor #14.

"Hi," I would say. "You're an idiot. I am going to txt you one more time....one. And that will be the last time we ever speak if you don't call me up soon afterwards to ask me to go fly a kite with you."

Oh, and then I would say the exact same thing to Bachelor #15. And I would ask them both on a group date for the next week.

And finally, I would ask Bachelor #16 this burning question I've been dying to ask for about a month now: "Are you gay?"

I would also invite this guy to come on my season.....

....provided he doesn't win Emily's heart,

 and I would send this guy:

p-p-p-packing. So fast. And you better believe I wouldn't be going to meet his parents. 

Boom, clap

Next week, the fourth grade is going to be putting on a presentation for their parents. It is all about Utah. I am pumped out of my head.

Here are some hints in case you are wondering why I am so pumped for the program:

Hint #1: It involves recorders. Imagine 100 of them being played at once. Ahhhh, serenity :)

Hint #2:

Hint #3: The entire script is supposed to be read with a cowboy accent. If you have never seen a little 4th-grade boy saying something in a cowboy accent, you can't possibly know how cute it is. I'm glad they're teaching this in the schools now.

Hint #4: Watch this video clip. Consider: these are big people. Imagine that they are little people.

And, finally, Hint #5:

Oh yes. It's going to be amazing.

Hoe-down! (Throwwwdown)

Went to a Hoedown last night. Dressed up like a cowgirl. FROZE to death. Obviously, since I still can't even form complete sentences.

All I'm saying is, I got free food and I danced and had fun and I love hoedowns. Love them! I love when everyone wears plaid and feeds me pulled pork and chicken and potato salad and I love when people cheer because they announce an activity where four people straddle a wooden beam and then race across a field. I love lining up and dancing the cotton-eyed joe and I love being serenaded with an acoustic, slowed-down version of "Single Ladies" that sounds like Ingrid Michaelson is singing it.

The highlight of the evening for some people was when we all witnessed a proposal! This guy cleared the dance floor and danced with his girlfriend. I called it right as he was clearing the dance floor. It's like I have a sixth sense about proposals or something.

Anyway, they danced until someone stomped on the cord and the song came to a screeching halt. Taking it all in stride, the guy proposing just pulled out this big bouquet of blue flowers. Then he pulled out the ring, knelt down, and asked his girlfriend if she would marry him. She put her hands over her mouth and stood there for a minute while we all oohed and aahed and cheered.

I still don't know if she said yes but they were mackin on the dance floor in a few minutes, so whether she said yes or no, I guess he liked her answer. So it was a good time had by all.

All I'm saying is, this is the second proposal I have actually witnessed. The next one I witness had better be my own. Haha just kidding :)

PS. It's important, when speaking about the really fun event where people get together dressed up like cowboys and cowgirls and dance and eat food, that you spell it "Hoedown." Otherwise people get confused and think "Hoe [space] down? Where?"

Was your 2010 as Awesome as Mine?

Cuz mine was pretty awesome. Here are some of the awesomest parts of my year.....in chronological order, I think:

1. Going shooting with Uncle Brett! It was my first time shooting a gun and it was very fun. Almost as fun as the photo shoot we had afterwards.

2. My floral design class. I didn't love Winter Semester 2010, but this was one class I did love. I made all sorts of arrangements. Including, I learned how to make boutonnieres and corsages, which I made for Kelly's wedding :)

3. Finals week of winter semester. I had lovely roommates in the winter and we all separated in the summer :( To finish off our semester together, we pulled our mattresses out and had a sleepover, all week long. We got henna tattoos. And made smoothies. And watched movies. And kind of studied.

4. Nannying. I nannied the summer after my freshman year and I got to go back and nanny for the same kids again for about a month this summer. I love Malan and Owen so much, so that was wonderful!

5. Going to Trafalga. Chelsea worked there over the summer so she got me and some other friends in for free! We had a blasty-blast trick-riding on the carousel, racing the go-carts, and riding on all the rides past close.

6. Stadium of Fire. It was my first year going and it was awesome! I love Carrie Underwood and thought she did a fantastic job.

7. Lehi Roundup! Not long after Stadium of Fire I went to my first LEGIT rodeo in Utah. I was not disappointed! I went with my friends Brinley and Alyssa. I love cowboys so obviously I was in heaven.

8. Working. I had two great jobs this year that I absolutely loved. I started working at ColdStone in February and then at the BYU Writing Center in the summer (as an intern). I wasn't exactly thrilled with either job to begin with, but I quickly came to love them. The only pictures I have of Coldstone and the Writing Center are the ones I'm posting here....

At the Writing Center, Kylie and I are showing off our twin fingernails. On the wall behind us, please notice the thankful turkeys that everyone made for Thanksgiving.

At ColdStone, I am saying goodbye to Bruce, who was kind of my husband, because he decided to go to college.

9. Cornbelly's! This year was my first time going to Cornbelly's and I think I was converted. I love love loved it and will definitely be going back next year.

And finally,

10. Being the MOH at Kelly's wedding. I got to be home for Thanksgiving, give a speech, and dress up. Win win win. Not to mention, I think Dahl is the best brother-in-law ever, so all in all, their wedding easily makes this list.

I could put sooo many other things on this list. My birthday, for instance, was one of the best I've ever had. Halloween was amazing, as usual. I loved all the times I got to lay out by the pool just soaking up the sun and eating free hamburgers, and my trip to Texas was an adventure, to say the least. For the first time this summer, I enjoyed camping. I loved going to General Conference in Salt Lake, my trip to Park City to see Shawn White, and going to the Manti Pageant. It was awesome to see Nicole give the speech at her graduation and Sarah get baptized in May.

And the best part is, my life is only going to get awesomer! I am so ready for 2011 and all the awesomeness it promises :)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

I was talking to Nicole on the phone the other day, and I told her that I wanted to put up a new blog post. I asked her what I am passionate about, but she couldn't think of anything.

Last night, I re-discovered something that I am truly passionate about: cowboys.

Apparently my extreme love for cowboys is not readily apparent to a lot of people, because Sarah didn't know, either. I talked to her on the phone a few days ago and here's how our conversation went:

me: Sarah. Guess what I'm doing on Friday?

Sarah: um.....what?

me: Guess. What's something I love? Just, lovvve?

Sarah: shopping!

me: I do love shopping. But no.

Sarah: Dancing!

me: not dancing....OK, think about what kind of boys do I like?

Sarah: Oh! Cute boys! You're doing something with cute boys?

me: um....kind of! But ok. These boys all do the same thing. It's like a job. What kind of boys do I like?

Sarah: Um.....

me: Cow....

Sarah: .......

me: Cowwww-bbb.....

Sarah: Oh! Cowboys!

me: Yes! What do cowboys do?

Sarah: Dancing? Are you going to a dance? You're going dancing with cowboys! Who are they? What are their names? How did you meet them? I love cowboys! Can you send me pictures? Ahhh!

me: Not dancing! I'm going to watch the cowboys do something.

Sarah: They're just going to dance?

me: No! Sarah! I'm going to a ro.....

Sarah: ......

me: Ro....de.....

Sarah: ......

me: Ro-dee......

Sarah: Oh! A rodeo!

Clearly, it took too long to get to this point in the conversation. I was surprised that I hadn't done more to impress on Sarah my love for cowboys. So allow me to explain

Why I Love Cowboys:

1. It all started when I was little, and I was in love with horses. Like, embarrassingly obsessed. For years. I slept with a big stuffed horse and had actual dreams about having my own horse. I think this love naturally transferred over to the men who trained and cared for them.

2. When we went to Utah for a family reunion, we went on a trail ride as a family. I don't think I've ever been that excited. I instantly loved my horse. We were riding along a trail that was familiar to our horses, but one of the trail guides was riding a horse who was newer and not used to the trail. I think he was training it for later groups, but it was in the early stages of training and his horse would occasionally try to buck him off, go the wrong way, or gallop ahead of the group. Each time his horse misbehaved, our trail guide would grasp the reigns tighter and somehow, the horse would eventually calm down and they would continue along the trail with us. I was enamored.

3. On this same vacation, we also went to a rodeo: my very first rodeo. They had everything - barrel racing, calf tying, bull riding, lassoing, etc. I was captivated by the whole thing. At one point, they had a whole string of events for kids. Each event was done three or four times, once for each age group. There was a bunny race, a game where the kids could lasso a baby calf, one where they had to catch a baby foal. The winner of each event got to keep the animal.

I begged my parents to let me try to catch the horse. I had dreamed of it so much that surely this was my chance. I would go out into the arena, the horse would trot up to me and I would slip my lasso over it's head. The other kids didn't stand a chance because the foal and I would have such an undeniable bond.

Unfortunately, my grandma crushed my dream by saying that these were kids who had grown up on farms and knew what they were doing. I didn't have a clue how to catch a horse, and it would be pointless to try. I watched as a little boy ran up and threw his lasso over my foal's head. It struggled to get away, obviously because I wasn't there, but to no avail.

Even in the midst of my disappointment, I admired that boy who had robbed me. Here was a cowboy who was my own age. I remember whimsically thinking that maybe one day we would get married and then I would get my horse after all.

4. In my 8th grade history textbook, I was flipping through the pages one day and spotted a cowboy hat. I flipped back a few pages and found a glorious picture of three cowboys sitting on a bench next to an elderly Navajo woman. They were leaning in to hear what she had to say. They were all wearing blue shirts tucked loosely into their jeans, boots, and cowboy hats. They were beautiful. I read the caption and learned that they were from Utah. I think it was that day that I decided I had to go to BYU. Campus must be swarming with cowboys just like the ones in my textbook. It was a textbook, after all. I felt very educated.

5. When we were younger, I'm not sure how old, my dad brought home "The Man from Snowy River" and sat us all down to watch it. I don't remember much of the story. I do remember that it was about a cowboy from Australia who runs around being a cowboy so that he can marry the girl he is in love with. Now cowboys had Australian accents too? And they were romantic? Fabulous.

6. "The Big Country" is another movie my dad had us watch when I was little. It is a cowboy movie, and the plot again escapes me. All I know is that two cowboys have to fight each other for a blonde girl who is a total brat. One of the cowboys is crude and abusive (obviously the product of a warped imagination), and the other is the quintessential gentleman of a cowboy. The good-guy ends up winning the duel, but refuses to marry the blonde girl, because he is in love with another girl, who is much nicer and, in my opinion, prettier. When he tells the blonde girl that he's not going to marry her, she slaps him - slaps him! I don't know where she gets off, but I would never do such a thing to such a wonderful person.

7. What really sealed the deal, I think, is when I saw "Shanghai Noon." I know he is a little older, and his nose is a little broken, but I fell madly in love with Owen Wilson when I watched that movie. In the scene where he is introduced, Owen and his gang of outlaws are robbing a train. He kindly takes the time to talk to a young lady on the train who has never been apart of a train robbery before. He is charismatic, funny, sensitive, and (mostly) loyal. He also becomes religious by the end of the movie. I think, if I were on a train that Owen Wilson and his gang were robbing, I would be happy to let him take my pocket watch and my locket or whatever. Also the rest of my clothes. What?

8. My love is a rational one, too, decided by more than just an animalistic attraction to strength and manliness. Cowboys grow up on farms or ranches. They are used to hard work. They wake up early to take care of what is theirs. They are raised to be gentlemen, to respect women, to tip their hat and hold the door. They are charming and complimentary. They work outside, so they are nicely tanned and muscular. Because they work with animals, they learn to be sensitive to the needs of others. Animals can't talk, so cowboys have to know how to anticipate their needs and help them. This ability transfers over to relationships with people.

Cowboys work hard for everything they get. Where do you think the phrase, "Get back on the horse" comes from? They know that success is not always immediate. They know how to keep working on something after they have experienced a setback. This also means that they will be willing to keep trying for a girl after she originally rejects them. Since they are respectful, they aren't pushy about it; they just know what they want and are willing to work hard for it. This is important. Especially if they want a girl like me.

Although they are typically humble, considering their circumstances and that they have to work for what they have, cowboys can also get a little cocky sometimes. Which is cute. When they tame a particularly aggressive animal, or win a competition at the rodeo, they may experience a rush of pride. This is not a bad thing. It can be quite a turn-on.

So as you can see, my love for cowboys is entirely justified.

Which is why I was so blissfully happy at the rodeo last night. I decided, after watching Shanghai Noon, that I wanted to marry a cowboy. This desire waned a little in high school with so little exposure to cowboys, and my ambition to marry a cowboy became an offhand wish to simply date a cowboy.

After last night, I'm back on the horse. I'm going to marry a cowboy. We're going to live in a cute little house. I'm going to take ballet lessons and learn how to make cream puffs while my husband works. We'll go to rodeos and he'll win all the prizes and I'll win the Miss Rodeo crown, and we'll take our victory laps together.

When the weather is nice, we'll sleep under the stars in a hammock. I'll have a book club and invite all my friends who are also married to cowboys. We'll have beautiful children. I'll be constantly - connnstantlyy - attracted to my husband's carefully stubbly chin and perfectly sculpted abs and arms. He will be consistently awed by my bikini body (the result of me doing exercise videos every day) and the delicious meals I make for him and the ranch hands.

After a long day of hard work, we will play cards and sit and talk with the ranch hands. We will drink lemonade and watch the fireflies. I will play matchmaker for the ranch hands and encourage them in their romantic endeavors.

I will make a wonderful lunch for the boys every day and either take it out to the field where they are or invite them inside to eat. They will compliment my cooking and my husband will brag about me to all his friends. Sometimes I will go on romantic picnics with my husband. We will ride our horses to a little spot just for us and eat strawberries and chicken salad sandwiches on croissants and maraschino cherries, and then we'll make out on our checkered picnic blanket until the sun goes down.

In my spare time, I will learn tricks with the horses. I will practice standing up, riding backwards, jumping off fences and onto a horse. My husband will think my tricks are the hottest thing since nudity. He'll try to do tricks to show off for me. I will think he is hotter than Taylor Lautner.

When we get old, we will be just as in love as ever. We will hold hands and sit on our porch swing and talk and never become tired of each other. He will kiss me gently. We will have grandchildren who love to visit us and run around and play on our land. I will make them cookies. I will be on Gene's Golden Girls. We will travel far and wide and spend a whole year on a cruise ship.

I'm so excited for my life.