Here's What I Hate:

Campaigners.

I don't mean baby-kissing politicians who are campaigning for office. I don't mean peppy tweens armed with posters and cutesie catchphrases running for the elite position of student body president. I'm talking about campaigners in the workplace. Have you ever heard of them? Maybe not, but I would be willing to bet you know one or two. Depending on how much your life sucks, you might actually know three, or four, or ten. Whether you work in an office, a retail store in the mall, or an ice-cream parlor, you will, at one point or another, be forced to work alongside a campaigner.

"Campaigners" have also been called any number of the following names:

-suck-up

-kiss-butt

-teacher's pet

-goody two-shoes

-annoying pieces of crap.

On TV, we love them. They provide endless entertainment for us as they trip over themselves, trying to impress their boss, teacher, or the head cheerleader. Here are some of my favorite TV campaigners:

Dwight, from "The Office." As the assistant to the president, he is always trying to think of ways to climb the corporate ladder, improve his sales record, or get back at Jim Halpert. Click here for a video clip of Dwight preparing to ask for a raise.

Marc, from "Ugly Betty." Marc is one of my all-time favorite characters from any TV show ever. He is very eccentric and snaps out the snarkiest lines every time he opens his flamboyantly gay mouth. His sass and wit are only barely stifled by Wilhelmina, the stop-at-nothing schemer he works for. Click here for a video of Marc, (kind of) kowtowing to Wilhemina even while she is in the hospital.

But these people are fictional, and I don't have to work with them. That is the only reason that I think they are actually funny. I guess all I'm trying to say is, a new campaigner came into my life a few days ago. I'm pretty sure I was happier a few days ago, before that happened.

Here are some telltale signs that you are working with a campaigner:

1. They try to boss you.

Feelings you will probably experience immediately:

a. confusion. "WHAT? Who are you?"

b. indignation. "Why are you trying to boss me - me? I know what I'm doing!"

c. defensiveness. "I've worked here longer than you have! You have no right to boss me!"

d. anger. "If he tries to boss me again, I'm going to konk him on the head with a spade."

Possible Solutions:

a. Ignore their bossing. Remember when you were little, and someone at school, or in your family would try and tell you what to do? What did you say in those situations? I don't know about you, but I can remember a few times that I defiantly replied, "You're not the boss of me!" Remember this. The campaigner is not the boss of you either. You don't have to say it out loud, but there is no need to quietly take their bossing, either. You don't have to leave a riveting conversation with your fabulous sister and her awesome boyfriend just because there are five people in line and the campaigner yells "Heather! We need help." In a very serious and bossy tone. They're not the boss of you!

b. Boss them back. Establishing dominance is important. It is hardly effective when everyone acts like the boss in a work setting, but a little bit of this can help put the campaigner back in his place.

c. Konk them on the head with a spade.

2. They act defensive or snotty when you offer direction or ask them the same question twice.

Feelings you will probably experience immediately:

a. confusion. "What did I do to you? Is it such a big deal for you to just repeat yourself once?"

b. defensiveness. "I am being nice! I didn't say that meanly. You can be nice too!"

c. anger. "If he snaps at me again, I'm going to konk him on the head with a spade."

Possible Solutions:

a. Ask them to repeat themselves every time they say anything. Eventually they will get too frustrated to ever talk to you or they will begin to think that they are, in fact, the problem.

b. Never give them direction. Let them end up looking stupid for someone else who wants to set them straight. It's not your job and you really don't have to deal with it.

c. Konk them on the head with a spade.

3. They give pep talks to you and the rest of the crew.

Feelings you will probably experience immediately:

a. annoyance. "Wow, you're annoying. Just do your job."

b. claustrophobia. "Get me out! I don't want to be in this building with this weirdo!"

c. repulsion. "Don't touch me. I don't want to high-five you. Get that hand out of my face."

d. anger. "If he tries to encourage me again, I'm going to konk him on the head with a spade."

Possible Solutions:

a. Walk away every time they start to open their mouth, because they are probably about to give a pep talk.

b. Do a weird high five, like "kissing starfish" or "slug" or "race car." They will be alarmed and probably won't try to high-five you again.

c. Sing louder when they start to make an annoying encouraging comment. Just sing sing sing. If they tell you (bossily) to stop singing, act offended and ask if they think your singing is ugly.

Other characteristics of campaigners that don't necessarily affect you, but will help confirm your diagnosis of a campaigner:

1. They don't want to get anything wrong.

2. They think very highly of themselves.

3. Their mother brings them their dinner every night.

4. They think it's okay to pat your on your sunburned back.

5. They don't have heart-to-heart bonding time with you like all the other people you work with do.

6. They freak out about little glitches that happen on the register.

7. They also feel comfortable bossing the manager.

8. They make the same joke every time you work together about how their mom told them they should wear their Mickey Mouse ears to work, but they forgot to. HILARIOUS! .......Oh wait. You didn't think that was funny? Neither does an-y-one else,

9. They are most likely going to get pranked by Coldstoners in the very very near future and should probably live in fear.

Today, after work, I went over to Crystal's apartment to complain to her about the new campaigner I have recently become acquainted with. She said it was the first time she had ever heard me said the word "piss." Super-sorry. I usually try to be more ladylike, but that's how I felt!