The world is your oyster!: Jeepers Creepers.        

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Jeepers Creepers.

I've been known to make sweeping generalizations on this blog - for example, that every boy that owns a LoveSac is a not-very-nice boy, that all the boys attending BYU are amazingly beautiful, etc. Is anyone offended or maybe annoyed when I make these generalizations? If so, I have bad news for you: I'm about to make another one. You have been warned. Okay, here it is:

Boys who drive jeeps are rude boys, and I don't like them. If you are a girl, and you find yourself being attracted towards a boy, I sincerely hope that you will not discover that he has a jeep. Because your life will be ruined.

Boys can be very nice. I mean, really nice. They're some of my favorite people. But put one in a jeep and apparently it just transforms them into someone completely different. I've picked out a few characteristics about jeeps that might help explain this sudden change of character.

1. Jeeps run over things. That's what they are built to do. Nothing stands in their way! Rocks become pebbles, bushes are seen at 10% of their true size, and curbs are mere pimples in the road. Any hill, any mountain, that formerly appeared insurmountable is suddenly an extension of the highway and is accessible to a man and his jeep.

Following in the example set by their beloved off-roader, the boy will pull out his destructive instincts as well. He will act careless about things like your feelings. If he goes out of his way to climb on things like curbs, boulders, or pedestrians, you can be sure that he will not go out of his way to compliment you or carry on a pleasant conversation. His destructive tendencies will coax your destructive tendencies out of hiding long enough for you to destroy the relationship. That will probably be a good thing.

2. Jeeps are very high off the ground, engendering a sense of superiority in their drivers. I read in Cosmo that if a coworker is acting condescending towards you, you can put a stop to it by looking at them head-on, lowering your chin a little, and then saying whatever you need to say. The important part is that you look straight at them, but it seems like you are looking down on them. It gives them the feeling that they have to look up to you, and reinforces your authority. So whether we recognize what we are doing or we do it subconsciously, added height imbues us with this idea that we are better than those lower than us.

People spend thousands of dollars to get their jeeps lifted a few inches, and they don't do it begrudgingly. Because with jeeps, there seems to be a rule that the higher you are off the ground, the better you are. This extends to everything about you - your intelligence, your humor, your looks. In other words, the higher your jeep, the smarter, funnier, and more attractive you will perceive yourself to be.

Whether you observe this change as a concentrated animosity toward other drivers, or you hear a certain gruffness in the way the driver addresses you, you will undoubtedly witness the change in some form or another. He will say something condescending to you, flip off the light when it turns red before he might have preferred, or forget to apologize like he usually would for something rude that he said in joking. This might hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. I am trying to warn you.

3. When riding in a jeep, one should probably not expect to be treated to a particularly smooth ride, and this in a sweet and gentle manner by the driver, either. Because jeeps do not typically have the most modern interiors, boys driving them feel like they, too, should revert back to caveman tendencies.

A jeep does not claim to offer a comfortable ride. When he gets in the jeep, the boy driving does not expect to have his every need for comfort met. This makes them feel very masculine, and it is something that, in fact, they enjoy. Why would they need little conveniences, like air conditioning that doesn't rattle when turned on, when their car can climb over rocks?? They feel excited to be so adventurous, and assume that whoever is sitting in the passenger seat also enjoys roughing it.

Suddenly, acting like a gentleman doesn't make much sense. They are happy when their car doesn't dote over them, attending to their every whim. Obviously, the girl they are with will be happy when they treat her in the same manner.

4. Little boys have toys. As boys get older, they still have toys; they just get bigger and more expensive. Sometimes, boys get jeeps to fill this need. If, in their childhood, these boys never learned how to share their toys properly, then they probably learned how to be selfish instead. As they get older, this selfishness is manifested in the way they treat others and not so much in how good they are at sharing. Since this was learned when they were playing with toys, it will resurface the most obviously when they are playing with toys again. And if their toy of choice is a jeep, you will notice a distinct lack of concern for your wellbeing and your comfort.

The first sense you might get of this may come even before you get in, when you are staring helplessly at the bottom of the seat, wondering how on earth your foot is supposed to reach the shoulder-high floor so that you can get in the jeep at all. You might look expectantly at the boy in the driver's seat, but chances are, he will not offer to help you, but will just look expectantly back. At this point it will become clear that your expectations for him and his expectations for you will not be met on either end. You and he can then both expect that this will probably be the last time that you will be sitting in the passenger seat.

I'm sure, somewhere in the world, there is a nice boy who also owns a jeep. And when he gets in his jeep, all his good and kind qualities somehow remain intact. So don't let this blog post offend you if you happen to know this boy, because I really think that he is the exception, and not the rule. Jeeps just make boys mean. Even boys who write poetry and wear bright pink shoes can act very rude and insensitive when they drive in their jeep.

And if the boy is rude to begin with, and all your friends hate him from the start, you should probably just trust them before you get in his jeep with him. Because things will not get better from that point on; in fact, they will get worse. You will feel annoyed. (Not really sad, necessarily, because there are tons of other boys, and you recognize this. But still annoyed.) You will be grateful to have such good friends. You will swear up and down that you will never go out with a boy in his jeep again.

And hopefully, you will stick to that resolve. I encourage it.

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