The Family that Farts Together...

2014 came. I welcomed it with the traditional kiss and sparkling apple cider, and the newly traditional lighting some gingerbread houses on fire.

Then I stayed up a little bit longer, and then, at around 1:30, I decided I was ready for bed. The husband was not. Which was fine, since I also celebrated the new year with a new phoooone, so I had plenty to entertain myself with.

I was not in bed for more than 10 minutes before the door opened and Logan marched in, then Michael, then Brandon, and then Stephen, each with their hands pressed to their mouth. They came in single file, from shortest to tallest, and the worst sounds erupted from behind all of their hands.

When they were all in, they turned to face me at the foot of the bed. It was a procession of fake flatulence, and it didn't stop there.

It got to the point where their hands weren't enough, so they got creative. Farts ripped through elbows, armpits, and each other's cheeks. I was in a surround-sound fart tunnel!

And then they started jumping on the bed! Pfffrrrrpp-ing each time they landed just inches away from my head. Bdddddtt-ing with each karate kick in the air. Thhhhrrrr-ing with their butts high. It was very alarming.

I decided this need to be recorded. "Everyone go to the foot of the bed, I need to take a picture!" I said.

But the circus would not condense itself into one picture frame. Sometimes two people stood close enough to be in a picture together, but never more than that.

"Stand still! Logan, you're not in the picture. Stephen, would you help? I just need everyone at the foot of the bed so I can take one picture!"

It was like herding cats.

Then someone fell off the bed and this is the only picture I got from the whole thing.

Just know that it was hilarious. 

Shimp Home for the Holidays

This year is my first year not going home for Christmas.

.....I KNOW. Hash tag, big girl.

Instead of Baltimore lights twinkling up into my airplane window on Friday, I experienced the lights of Indianapolis for the fist time.

Then I experienced:

-some delicious cheesy bread, sugar cookies, peanut butter fudge, and cold medicine
-getting tackled by little boys who quickly stopped when they realized I was not their sister
-using all of Natalie's makeup since I apparently left all of mine in Utah
-going out Christmas shopping in the middle of Indianapolis flooding

{I'm serious. I got an emergency weather alert txt telling me to stay away from potential flooding areas}

-sleeping with Stephen in the bed his parents assigned to us. Oh, with his brother in the same bed.
-the Christmas program in the Indy 1st ward, which included a fabulous special musical number and donuts after the meeting
-a Christmas dinner at an interior designer grandma's BEAUTIFUL home

-a conversation that went like this:

me: Brandon, are you taller than me now?
We stand up to measure ourselves and find that he is a good 3 inches taller.
Diane: Oh yeah, I can't keep him in the same pair of pants for more than a month! He just grows out of them so fast!

-followed by a riveting game of boys vs. girls Catchphrase

-in which I got "growing pains," and the timer was speeding up, and it was up to me to help my team guess it, and I blurted out: "Okay, this is what....Brandon keeps doing this out of his pants."

-and my team didn't guess it and instead just got really confused.

-so I said, "Diane was just telling me about it!"

-and then people just laughed instead of guessing and I had to try something else.

There's no place like home for the holidays, but there's an H on one of the stockings here, and Natalie drew me in the family picture she put in Eric's room, and I'm surrounded by people I love. Besides which, there's a huge ball of mistletoe that I can stand under whenever I want. So for my first Christmas away from home, it's going to be a pretty nice one :)

How it Continued

Once upon a time, a boy named Stephen decided that he was going to be a firefighter over the summer. He was going to fight fires with a crew that would go out of the state for 2 weeks, firefight, come home for 2 days, rinse, and repeat. No phones for the 2 weeks out of town. No skype. No girlfriends coming to visit.

Then, he met a girl named Heather. (Me.) At first I liked him, and then I loved him, and then I didn't want him to leave to do firefighting.

This is how I pictured the summer going:

him

me.

 But I also didn't want to tell him what to do, and I didn't want to ruin his plans and dreams, so I resigned myself to a summer of lonesomeness and tried to think of ways to make it not be the worst thing ever.

Then, plans changed, as they are known to do. Stephen wasn't going to leave for the summer after all! I would be lying if I said I wasn't pret-ty overjoyed about that unexpected turn of events.

Then plans changed again, and the day before my parents came out for my graduation in April, Stephen decided that he was going to take another job in Texas. For the whole summer. He was going to be in Texas, not Utah, for the whole summer. He'd have a phone, and Skype, and I would go and visit him, and he would probably fly back to visit me.

Everybody's got trials, I guess. So I again resigned myself to a summer of lonesomeness and tried to think of ways to make it not be the worst thing ever.  If I had had more time, I probably would have spent some of that time moping and whatnot. But I didn't have the time, so I just tried to really enjoy those last few days before Stephen left.

My cute parents came to town, met the man, took us out to eat about a hundred times, took a buttload of pictures, and cheered for me as I graduated.

I don't know why my dad is so dang cute, look at him all dressed up in BYU colors!

The best mom on this planet :)

It was a wonderful few days, even with all the packing and moving. I'm sure my parents didn't love that part, but they were good sports and so incredibly helpful. I couldn't have done it without them!

Okay, now back to this guy. 

On Friday, we went mini-golfing with my parents, Kelly, and Dahl. It was basically an exact copy of a double date the best friend went on when her parents came to town to meet her man, including the part where the losers had to buy everyone ice cream at the end.

Probbbbbbably the best score I have ever, any times ever, gotten mini-golfing.

Stephen left at 5:30 the next morning. He came and woke me up to say goodbye, and after I sleepily reminded him to floss his teeth err day, he left. 

It was a little embarrassing, but whatever. 

When my parents left on Sunday, I was pretty lonesome. The best friend and I started making plans for incentives we could offer to our boys. We had really good ideas, like sending them care packages, a party in a box, and tickets to fun things in Houston. For 60 sales, I would go visit Stephen. At 100, he would come visit me. Coping was off to a good start!

Stephen was Mr. Logical Think-About-Money-and-the-Future Man when he left on Saturday morning. I was Miss Blubbery-I'm-So-Abandoned, but that's beside the point. The point is that between Saturday and Tuesday morning, I became the little girlfriend that could (be supportive albeit lonesome all summer) and he became the boyfriend that couldn't (stand the thought of us being apart all summer). 

So plans changed again! In this order:

1. He was going to come back on Thursday and work in Utah all summer!

2. He was going to come back on Saturday. 

3. He was going to go home to Indiana and work there for the summer. 

4. He was going to come here first for a week or two, then go home to work in Indiana. 

5. He was going to come back to Utah on Friday? !!!

6. Nope. Still Saturday. 

Lots of changes to the plan err day.   

So then this was pretty much me. 

 But on Saturday morning, I picked him up from the airport. And became one-half of this couple:

Except, it wasn't quite that picturesque. And he came out to the curb and I picked him up there. But still.

Stephen pretty much told me that the reason he was coming back to Utah was so that we could get engaged. I had always thought that I wanted to be totally surprised by the proposal, and I was very against the idea of going ring-shopping.

But that very day, we found ourselves in the beautiful city of Salt Lake, climbing a spiral staircase

 up to the 3rd floor of this place,

to look at a few things that glittered and were definitely not gold. I've heard some horror stories about ring-shopping, so I guess it's not always pleasant. But it can be very pleasant when you are being assisted by a wonderful, warm and not snooty at all lady named Liz, and when your boyfriend keeps saying things like "I just want it to be something you like," and "Can we see it with a bigger diamond? Just to see." 

I had to go back to school on Monday, but every day that week when I got home, Stephen and I would eat dinner and then do something fun. That weekend, we took a trip to Moab.

While there, I learned:

1. Rock climbing outside is very different than rock climbing inside.

Here's me climbing inside. Look how high I am on that wall! How fearless! That smile!

Aaaand that's me climbing outside. Stephen took this picture without zooming in with his phone, so yeah, I really am like 6 feet off the ground. Look at those hips! Tucked in all up on the wall. That deer-in-headlights expression! Where did that even come from?? I have no idea.

 2. I learned that I can improve! The first time Stephen had me try to climb something in Moab, I panicked. I had never felt such an irrational fear in my soul that was so insistently pervasive. But THEN, the next time he had me try to climb something, I actually got very high! It was still hard. That didn't stop me from being very very proud of myself.

3. I learned that if you do a good job of climbing, then it's okay to look a little tired in the after shot. 

 4. Climbing with some of the red sand in your hairs is okay.

5. Going out to eat at a local place is something you need to do.

6. Going to famous places is also something you need to do. It is funnest to go to these famous places if you-you-you, you work ouuuut, because then you can run some of the way, and you get there in a 1/4 of the average time it takes people to get there.

7. I learned that I like Stephen in Moab just as well as I like him in Provo. And that is how it continued :)

Chaste by an Elephant

Today I walked into RelSoc, fully expecting to be spiritually fed via another lesson that I could not hear a word of due to the air conditioning. But that is not what I got.

My bishop for this springtime is a fantastic bishop. He is shortish, and spryish, and sweetish. (Not to be confused with Swedish.) He is enthusiastic and friendly and one of those bishops that just radiates charity. It was this man who stood up immediately following the opening prayer.

"We have this lesson at least once a year," he began. "The dreaded chastity lesson. And I know my daughters didn't always - or ever - love getting this lesson from me, so I'm sorry that I have to be the one to teach it to you girls."

"I think you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop!" one girl exclaimed rapturously.

A catcall? The bishop lost his concentration for a moment. "What's that?" he asked, smile still intact as he looked around the room, trying to identify the interrupter.

"I said, you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop," she said, a little less rapturously.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," he said, and tried to get back on track. "I'll just do my best."

He clicked a button and an image of Mt. Rushmore appeared on the screen behind him."Who has ever been here?" he asked. A few hands went up.

"Where is he going with this?" I wondered. "Is he going to take the all-of-these-men-did-it route? The, everyone-is-doing-it-but-you-have-to-do-it-at-the-right-time-with-the-right-person, route?"

"What did you think of it?" the bishop asked.

"It was cool," one girl said. "It wasn't as big as I thought it would be."

"Oh no!" I thought. "You can't say that in a chastity lesson!"

"Exactly!" the bishop said.

......wait, what?

"That's what most people say when they see Mt. Rushmore," he continued. Lots of emphasis on every other word: "It's not, as big, as they thought, it would be."

K but, really. Where are you going with this.

"We'll come back to this idea later," the bishop said. "Right now I want to show you this:"

Another button, and there was the bishop in a beautiful cream-colored tuxedo with a very big bow tie. His hairs were combed neatly. His date's hairs were feathered, just as neatly.

I don't remember why he wanted to show us this picture.....but I do remember that the catcaller struck again when that image lit up the screen. "Lookin' good, bishop!" she cried out.

I think the bishop anticipated some awkwardness in teaching this lesson, but he hadn't quite expected it in the form of loud compliments directed at him. His cheeks flared up and he coughed out an uncomfortable little laugh.

And then, he went on to teach a wonderful lesson. One of the best lessons about chastity that I have sat uncomfortably through. A rocky beginning

ehm, pun intended....

 did not deter my bishop from finishing strong.

2nd place goes to

and 3rd place to 

"What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way, to not is....to not."

Aaaand I'd better just stop talking about it now. Happy Sunday!

How the Engaged Becomes Unengaged

"Miss Connor," he says, "When are we getting new name tags?"

There are 3 weeks left of school at this point. I shake my head. "We're not, it's so close to the end of the year, so we don't really need them."

"Oh okay." He keeps standing there, hesitating a little.

"Why?" I ask.

"Well I was just wondering, because I would maybe need a new one. Like with another last name on it."

I blink. His mom and dad separated last year, when he was in 1st grade. Not that it's unheard of to get remarried a year later, but I had just talked to his mom a few weeks ago, and I hadn't noticed a ring on her finger.

"Wait, why would you need a new one?" I ask, looking for some clarification.

"Because my mom is getting married to her boyfriend, and so my name tag would need to have his last name on it."

"What!" I am very excited. I really like his mom, and plus, I can tell this kid needs a solid father figure. I'd rather him have a step-dad than a slew of boyfriends.

"Yeah," he says, smiling.

"When did she get engaged?" I ask.

"May," he says.

I smile. "That's when I got engaged!"

"Yeah." He continues, "She's getting married in August."

"That's the same as me!" He nods. "Do you like her fiance?" He nods again. I'm very excited now.

My email says: "Hello Miss So-and-So, I tested C in reading today and he did a great job! Blablabla teacher stuff. Thanks, Miss Connor."

And then the PS at the end: "C  told me you got engaged in May and are getting married in August. That's so exciting, congratulations!!"

I got the following email back in reply:

"Hello.

wow... well first thank you for letting me know about reading, we love to read together. I'm glad it's paying off.

hahaha well I am not engaged? but Thank you, ha ha ha it must be wishful thinking on his end. He really likes my boyfriend.

I can't stop laughing!"


Well well. I guess this is what I get for telling my mom when I was in 1st grade that my music teacher had us play "Name that Tune" and I was the only one who guessed it when she played a primary song, and that she was in the Columbia 1st ward.

Surprise Visit

So, Stephen flew home to Indiana on Sunday the 19th. I thought I wasn't going to see him again until I fly out there to take engagement pictures, but he actually made a surprise visit to my classroom today while I was at lunch! The sly dog.

"I came well you wear at lunch love Stphen"

Translation: "I came while you were at lunch. Love, Stephen." I'm not sure why he spelled his name wrong....he must have just been in a hurry?

Again, not the correct spelling of his name....he must have been really concentrating on the border for this one.

Translation: "Dear Heather, you are so good to people. Love, Stephen." I just love how he values and admires my personality!

I'm not 100% sure what this one says, in the bottom left corner, but I won something! And Stehven Conner wanted to let me know.

Translation: "You are the best teacher ever you are as nice as a baby kitten ooooh a simile in there Love Stephen"

Translation: "You are as cute as a kitten (a simile) You are a good girlfriend. Love, Steven. I love you"

I guess Chloe also left a note. But don't worry, all the rest are almost certainly from Stephen.

This one was my personal favorite: "Thank you for saying yes for are mereg Love, Stphen"
AKA: "Thank you for saying yes for our marriage. Love, Stephen"

Just so there was no doubt as to who did such a kind and thoughtful surprise, it was Stphven.

I only wish he could have stayed long enough for me to thank him in person. But oh well, I guess that's why we have Google Hangouts :)

How it Started

I'll just address the elephant in the room right upfront: This is a long blog post. I put in some pictures, which I'm hoping will act as snacks in Sacrament Meeting and keep you entertained....mostly. Carry on!



Some might say that it all started with a note. But actually, it didn't. Actually, it all started with knock. And a handsome stranger asking if this was the apartment where our ward was having nice notes.

Some might say that it was the wrong apartment, and at the time, that's what I told him. But actually, it wasn't. Actually, it was the right apartment, and the right girl, and the right boy. I just didn't know it yet.

I didn't make a great first impression. As in, I asked him if he was weird and awkward in the first 3 minutes of knowing him, and he thought I was rude. [For the record, he was a teeny bit awkward, so it was a valid question.]

However, it wasn't such a bad impression that all hope was lost. He came over again, and I redeemed myself. And then, he came over again, and again, and then he kept coming over. And I didn't even mind.

October 9th was my birthday, and since the best friend advertised free food and birthday kisses in a painstakingly crafted mass txt, he was there.

Some might say that Stephen had nothing to do with building this cake. Those people would be right. He just put the candles on because I said we couldn't eat it until I had blown them out, and if we're being honest with ourselves, we might as well just admit that the cake was 90% of the reason why he was there.

I won't tell you what I wished for when I blew those candles out....but the weekend after my birthday, I found myself squashed up next to him on a couch in an apartment south of campus, watching a scary movie with some friends. And he held my hand.

He played it cool, but this is how he felt:

(Me, too.)

A week later, I got a mysterious nice note. It looked like this:

This is the note that some say it started with.

I searched the ward menu, and the only S.S. in our ward was Stephen Shimp. And I knew, grazie to my women's intuition, that Stephen had not written this nice note.

Even so, he did like my cute skirts. And we did go out sometime.

This is the night he wanted to take me on a date, but it was the ward Halloween party. So we just hung out there and took beautiful pictures like this one about it.

This is the night after the Halloween party, the other night he wanted to take me on a date. A Jew came to town and we had already planned on going to Cornbelly's with my roommates, so we just invited Stephen and his roommates along. They did things like taking pictures of us in the pumpkins and then offering to let us use them on our wedding announcements. I did things like pretending not to notice their comments....

This picture is not from a date either. It's just from Halloween day, when Stephen and I hung out for like the hundredth time. And for the first time, he caught a fish from the Raintree River. And also for the first time....something else happened :)

When we finally did go out sometime, it was to this place:

The Quarry

I had been rock climbing a few times, and even been on a few dates to this place. This date was the best of them all :)

This might be where my mom might say it all started. The day after he asked me on a date, I called my mom. 

"MOM," I said, "You'll never guess what happened to me."

"What!" she said, all excited already. 

"The cutest boy in the ward asked me on a date!" I said. "I think we're going this weekend!"

She cheered. She asked for his name. She facebook stalked him. She congratulated me.

That date was on November 3rd. And not to color myself psycho or anything, but in the interest of full disclosure I should probably share that when my sister asked me less than a month later if I liked him, I told her I kind of wanted to marry him. 

In December, we had all kinds of adventures.

December 1st found us ice-skating at the Gallivan Center....

 This conversation happened when we stepped out onto the ice:

Stephen: WHAT! Heather, you don't know how to ice-skate??
me: No, I do! I promise I do! I just....I forgot, but I'll remember in a second!
Stephen: Oh, no, no, Heather, noooo!
me: Stephen! It's fine, I'll remember! Just wait a minute!
Stephen: What are you doing? Heather, what??
me: I'm just skating! Hold on, just slow down for a second!

It was not my most graceful ice-skating debut, but as soon as I remembered what to do (after about 5 minutes of tremulously clinging to Stephen and insisting that I knew what I was doing), I actually did okay. 

Looking at the temple lights in SLC....

.....meeting some Anti-Mormons posing in awesome costumes for free pictures, forgive us for that brief affiliation.....

.....wandering the streets of SLC, looking for the car.....(Don't worry, it was parked at none of these hotels. We checked.) 

 

 

I love Christmastime. I love downtown Salt Lake City. And holding hands on the car ride back to Provo, once we finally found the car at 2 in the morning, I loved Stephen, too.

This one time, we made a bomb-amazing gingerbread house.

 Ingredients, if you're interested in replicating our fine work:

-Starbursts from my kids for Christmas
-Berry Colossal Crunch cereal for the roof
-fudge-striped cookies from a 100 calorie pack
-brownie bites, also from a 100 calorie pack
-Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal
-tootsie rolls from ???
-frosting from when my kids made gingerbread houses at school and the parent volunteers tried to throw away the frosting and well, I rescued it.
-graham crackers from a bonfire we attended in oh, October....

And then he went home to Indiana, and I went home to Maryland, and we skyped almost err day.

Even when I was back in Utah for New Years Eve and he was still in Indiana, and I should probably have been going to a party or something. We skyped then too.

When he managed to get his arse back in Utah, we had more adventures!

He taught me how to snowboard....

and one time, when we were snowboarding, he asked me to be his girlfriend!

I said no.

But then I said yes of course, so it was just a minor setback. Then we went home, made fajitas, called his parents, and - most importantly! - changed our facebook status (super-important, you guys. It is 2013)

I should note that, when we called his parents, his mom said I seemed really sweet :) ...........which she quickly followed up with an invitation to read the new For the Strength of Youth booklet. 

As boyfriend and girlfriend, we once optimistically went to Sundance to try to get into the Matthew Mc-con-a-hottie and Reese Witherespoon movie without previously buying tickets, and instead just eating at a cute Mexican restaurant when we found that there were no more tickets available.

We went to Fire and Ice at the Riverwoods. We missed the fireworks, and the snowboarding, and pretty much everything else, but we were in time for the ice sculptures!

....and in time to walk around and try on some really beautiful hats.

 Winter has never been my favorite season. As in, it has always been my worst-favorite season. But winter with Stephen is a nice season, because it involves fun things like snowboarding and yummy things like Little Caesar's pizza that I had to buy for my roommates and warm things like cuddling.

It was one night, later in the month of January, when Stephen said: "I don't want you to think I'm weird, but....do you ever think about, what it would be like if we were to like, get married?" 

I was so surprised that he said that, but to tell the truth, I did think about it. Pretty much err day.

All of a sudden, it was February, 

Jazz game!

 and then Valentines Day. 

Which was a perfect day with a perfect ending. The ending was a whisper that sounded like this:

him: Heather. 

me: Stephen. 

him: .....I love you. 

 

me: I love you, Stephen!

And with that, we started life with a new normal.

 

It was normal to go rock-climbing,

normal to go running,

normal to hike the Y (with one person riding piggy back at times),

normal to fall asleep on the apartment floor after working out.

It was normal to never have leftovers, because I had a Stephen instead. Normal to sit on his lap while he studied and I graded. Normal for him to come in and visit my class, when he had a chance. Normal for me to come and study with him in the library and go to classes with him when I was off-track, or to go to the UVU basketball games so he could get extra credit in his class. It was all just the best kind of normal I had ever lived!

So that's how I think it started. How THIS

happened, is a blog post for another day :)