Chaste by an Elephant

Today I walked into RelSoc, fully expecting to be spiritually fed via another lesson that I could not hear a word of due to the air conditioning. But that is not what I got.

My bishop for this springtime is a fantastic bishop. He is shortish, and spryish, and sweetish. (Not to be confused with Swedish.) He is enthusiastic and friendly and one of those bishops that just radiates charity. It was this man who stood up immediately following the opening prayer.

"We have this lesson at least once a year," he began. "The dreaded chastity lesson. And I know my daughters didn't always - or ever - love getting this lesson from me, so I'm sorry that I have to be the one to teach it to you girls."

"I think you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop!" one girl exclaimed rapturously.

A catcall? The bishop lost his concentration for a moment. "What's that?" he asked, smile still intact as he looked around the room, trying to identify the interrupter.

"I said, you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop," she said, a little less rapturously.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," he said, and tried to get back on track. "I'll just do my best."

He clicked a button and an image of Mt. Rushmore appeared on the screen behind him."Who has ever been here?" he asked. A few hands went up.

"Where is he going with this?" I wondered. "Is he going to take the all-of-these-men-did-it route? The, everyone-is-doing-it-but-you-have-to-do-it-at-the-right-time-with-the-right-person, route?"

"What did you think of it?" the bishop asked.

"It was cool," one girl said. "It wasn't as big as I thought it would be."

"Oh no!" I thought. "You can't say that in a chastity lesson!"

"Exactly!" the bishop said.

......wait, what?

"That's what most people say when they see Mt. Rushmore," he continued. Lots of emphasis on every other word: "It's not, as big, as they thought, it would be."

K but, really. Where are you going with this.

"We'll come back to this idea later," the bishop said. "Right now I want to show you this:"

Another button, and there was the bishop in a beautiful cream-colored tuxedo with a very big bow tie. His hairs were combed neatly. His date's hairs were feathered, just as neatly.

I don't remember why he wanted to show us this picture.....but I do remember that the catcaller struck again when that image lit up the screen. "Lookin' good, bishop!" she cried out.

I think the bishop anticipated some awkwardness in teaching this lesson, but he hadn't quite expected it in the form of loud compliments directed at him. His cheeks flared up and he coughed out an uncomfortable little laugh.

And then, he went on to teach a wonderful lesson. One of the best lessons about chastity that I have sat uncomfortably through. A rocky beginning

ehm, pun intended....

 did not deter my bishop from finishing strong.

2nd place goes to

and 3rd place to 

"What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way, to not is....to not."

Aaaand I'd better just stop talking about it now. Happy Sunday!

Welcome to Brovo

Technically, the city I live in is called Provo. But sometimes, I think it should be called Brovo, because sometimes, I think it is being overrun by bros. Not always....just sometimes. Caitlin wrote a very enlightening and straightforward report of these fellas last year, which you can read here.

 

And now, I'd just like to add my own signs that you may be living in Brovo....

- Bros have become such an issue that some non-bros decide to throw a tool party where everyone has to dress up like tools in blatant mockery

- Your boy accuses you of checking yourself out in the reflective windows of a restaurant, when really, you were just trying to avoid making eye contact with the Bros who were all standing around by the exit of Maria Bonita's, taking turns making their pectorals dance

- The phone conversation you overhear at the pool goes like this: "Dude! Bro, what's up! Dude, come chill with me. Yeah man, it's sweet. Oh, my roommates are so sick. They're way tight guys. No dude, they're awesome, this summer's gonna be sick. BRO. No, dude, listen. We had a game night last night and they were all, 'We've never done anything like this before!' I was like, what? Are you guys for real? No, man, they were serious! But they're way cool. No, I actually broke up with my girlfriend last month. Dude, no, listen to this - I moved here, and she moved in after me! She like followed me here so she's in my ward and everything. Oh yeah, it's super awkward. I try to be nice and talk to her but she just hates my guts now." etc.

- The bro on the phone hangs up the phone and immediately starts looking for a way to strike up a conversation with the girls kind of close to him, who really just want to lay by the pool and not be bothered

- And the girls respond kind of like

 - Even though striking up a conversation might not be all that bro-ly, and could just be friendly, but in some cases, it probably isn't just friendly, since there was a definite attempt at swagger in his signature "notice me" walk from chair to poolside.

- While walking with your (admittedly really cute) friends one night, a random bro in a car rolls down his window while passing you to shout out "Oh heyyy ladies!"

- The gym is still crowded, but not as crowded as it usually is, because so many of the bros have left for the summer, now that their contract at The Village is up for the year.

- You and your best friend are both sitting around lonesome because both of you have recently been abandoned by your boyfriends. And this abandonment has left you with the (possibly inaccurate but still very persistent) feeling that the only boys left in this town are Bros.

Does that make sense, what I'm saying?? I don't actually think all the boys in Provo are Bros. I just think a lot of them are. And sometimes, when you get together with your best friend and throw pity parties for yourselves on account of your temporary singledom, all the boys start to look like Bros, because they are not who you really care about.

As in, I'm sorry, but Barney Stintson does not live in Provo. And actually he's gay in real life. And even if he weren't, we may love his bro-ness on TV, but I don't know if I would love it as much if he brought it here. So I guess I have to just keep saying No to Bros.

Meeting the Parents

There was this one time when Ashton Kutcher went to meet his fiancee's parents, and it went horribly. He was a really nice boy, but Bernie Mac just did not think he was suitable marriage material for his daughter, and he took every opportunity to make that abundantly clear.

While this concept made for a movie that I found very funny, it is a concept that hits all too close to home for some people. Namely, 90% of the male population. Boys get nervous about meeting girls' parents, just as a general rule. Dads are overprotective, moms are picky and fastidious, and the fear is that, no matter what you do, they are not going to like you.

It's easier to be a girl and meet a boy's parents, at least in my experience. Dads are generally easy to please - if you are not a troll, they feel all proud of their son and they like you. Moms like you as long as you are not a hooker. Bonus points are always awarded if you are good with kids or can hold a conversation.

So keeping all of this in mind, and remembering that I am a girl, it should not be too surprising that meeting parents is not something that has ever really bothered me.

.......Until now. Tomorrow and Wednesday, hordes of parents will be descending upon my school for Parent-Teacher Conferences. They all want to meet me and ask me how their child is doing. And I am not particularly looking forward to it. In fact, if I'm being honest, I'm dreading it.

I just really don't want any of them to go all Ashley's sister on me. I have an entire year to convince my kids that I'm nice and they should like me. I only have 15 minutes with their parents.

Wish me luck??

...and world peace.

So, I just counted, and I have lived with 26 different roommates so far. If you want to count my two weeks at EFY over the summer, I've lived with 29. And I have loved every one of them - some much less than others, but still.

Anyway, in all my vast experience, I am happy to announce that I have discovered the key to peace, love, and happiness in the roommate-dom.

The key is: communication. The rules of communication are:

1. Do it. Say things like, "How was your day?"

Freshman year

2. Communicate about boys. That means you
a. tell your roommates who you like, and
b. when that boy kisses you, you tell your roommates.
c. And you show with your hands what happened.
d. And you put ice cream in the freezer about it.
e. And if a boy ever sends you a txt that just says: "Put ya up against the wall!," you better believe you are sharing that with your roommates.

Fall / Winter 2009 - 2010

3. Say things that you like about each other. That doesn't mean you have to say "I liked when your legs were on me last night," necessarily, but you get the idea.

Fall 2010

4. Along with that, you communicate what you like about your roommates to other people. So if your roommate is looking particularly foxy, feel free to inform her boyfriend.

Winter 2011

5. Say things that you don't like about each other. This might sound counter-intuitive, but if you don't say things that are bugging you, those things will just build up and fester in your brain, and pretty soon you will be following rules #3 and #4 through gritted teeth. Here are some examples of successful inter-apartment communications of flaws:
 
"Could you talk like a mute person please?"

"Who left this rib bone on the counter, HEATHER?"

"No offense but you're cheap."

"No offense, but if you use that baby voice one more time, I'm going to kill you."

Fall 2011

 H: I like that shirt, I've never seen you wear it!
K: That's what Shannon said, but I've worn it many times.
H: Really? I'm pretty sure you've never worn it....
K: I've worn it a lot!
H: Maybe in high school, when we didn't know you. *Pause* Or in middle school, when it would have been cool.....

A: Do my eyes look pretty -
C: NO!
A: ....Oh. Okay. I'll just take that as....constructive criticism?

"You have to be careful that you don't get diabetes."

Present day

C: I am going to get obese.
K: And then you will lose a friend.

"Right after I called on you to pray, I regretted it instantly."

K: I don't want to be rude, but will you please not sing along? I just....it's my first time watching and I want to understand what they're saying.
H: You can't understand me singing?
K: No....I can....I just, can you not sing?

I could go on. But I think you get the point: my roommates and I are happy, and it is all because of our great communication.

Other factors contributing to our happiness:

- one roommate randomly brings home Jamba Juice on occasion
- we feed each other numminess
- we have pillow talk
- we stand in parking spaces for each other
- we go to the temple together
- we have roommate photo shoots
- we laugh at each other
- we write indecent news on the white board
- we make pig noises at each other to prevent obesity
- we run stairs together
- we do each other's homeworks
- well, not really....
- we do hardcore parkour
- we dress up together
- we do each other's hairs and nails

but these are just some fun little things that you can do on the side, once you've mastered communication. It's not so hard. It's just a matter of saying what you think :) 

Happy communicating!

Tutu

I had the best birthday ever!

I know I said this last year, and two years ago, and the year before that as well. But I really mean it, every time.

This year's birthday started the night before my actual birthday with a trip to the movies. We watched "House at the End of the Street" and basically had the theater to ourselves. Just me, 5 of the best roommates ever, a blanket, and some (homemade) popcorn.

I normally have a very low tolerance for scary movies. Here are my rules for scary movies:

-They can't be toooo scary.
-They can't be Satanic.
-They can't be gross, like gory.
-They can't be not scary at all.
-There has to be a hot guy
-...and he can't die. Well actually he can, I just prefer that he doesn't.
-There has to be a happy ending.
-There has to be some humor.
-Not a huge fan of children in scary movies. I don't like when children are the villains, I don't like when they are the victims, and I don't like when they are both villain and victim (like if they are possessed or something). 

So you see, my pool of watchable scary movies is a very limited one. It includes "What Lies Beneath," "Wait Until Dark," "Disturbia," "The Goonies," and now "House at the End of the Street." Yeah. It made my very exclusive list. We're going to go watch it again when it comes to the dolla theater.

Birthday continued with the apartment decorated so cutely with streamers and balloons and post-its by my wonderful roommates who woke up before I did. They also made my a bomb breakfast of hootenanny pancakes and decorated my car with streamers and balloons and window marker :)

I had an all-day seminar instead of regular class, but they fed me breakfast and lunch and 4 snacks throughout the day, so I can't complain. Plus I was allowed to wear jeans and I had time after the meeting to get Carbaby safety and emissions tested, and she passed with flying colors, and someone whistled at me as I was walking in the store (!!!) and I ended up getting home 2 hours earlier than I usually do and hence, got a perfect parking spot....so there really is nothing to complain about here.

Shannon teaches piano and her students had their recital today, so the roommates and I went to that. We are so supportive :) Her kids were all in costumes for Halloween and it was adorable, and we got treats afterwards, and it also reminded me that I still want to learn how to play the ukulele.

After this artistic appreciation, we went to the Garden of Olives to appreciate some art of the edible variety! I am obsessed with OG breadsticks and salad and everything else. Besides an unwanted unexpected visitor, we had a lovely, fat time.

Unfortunately, Winnie and Tara couldn't be in this picture because they stood a mile away from the rest of us. Haha

And thennn we went home for some more love and fat! Caitlin organized a party and a bunch of people came over for cake and ice cream. I have the best friends a girl could ask for!

Friends from Freshman year came :)

Friends from waaaay before freshman year came :)

Delly came :)

Cute boys came,,,,,

And put candles on my cake :)

It was a good day, kids. More people were there too....which means there are more pictures coming. You know how I do. UPDATE: No more pictures to look forward to! Any pictures that ever will be up, are currently up. Don't worry, it's still Birthday Month.

My LIFE

In case you are like the one person on this planet who was not already aware, I am awkward. I've written numerous posts about it. It's usually fine. I can laugh it off and convince myself that it's endearing and then I blog about it and it's fine.

Here are the times it has not been fine:

1. When I ran through the revolving door at the aquarium and almost knocked over a child. Sorry that Will Ferrell made me think it would be okay....

2. When I had my phone in my shirt and then it started slipping down but I had my shirt tucked into my skirt but I was in a hallway by myself so I thought it would be fine to just reach down and readjust it and then the ONE male teacher in the whole entire school came swooping out of his classroom and for some reason I thought it would be less awkward to keep my hand in my shirt than it would be to pretend like I hadn't just had my hand in my shirt, so I kept it there while we walked past each other and awkwardly said hi.....

3. When I ran into a pole on my first day teaching because I was trying to walk backwards to watch my class walk in a line.....

4. I feel like there was one time when I said something about how gross smoking was and then I turned and realized that someone was smoking right next to me and I recall it not being the okay kind of awkward, but I don't really remember why it wasn't okay. But it wasn't.

5. When I went up to my uncle in a movie theater in NYC and asked, "Can I have my ticket now?" And he looked at me and laughed and said, "Nice try!" and I realized that he was not my uncle.....

6. When a boy came over and my roommate asked, "Who is here?" and I peeked out of our room and said, "I don't know, but he's short." And then I realized how not quietly I had said that.

7. When I was at Disney World with my friends for the Spring Trip and we were in line and it was hot and I got really impatient and I said, "I'm about to start shaking this water bottle for entertainment! Aaaggghh!" And then I did shake it, but the lid wasn't on, so water went everywhere and got all over this girl in line behind me and she. was. pisssssedd, and then we still had to wait in line with her right behind us until we got to go on the ride.

We were so happy until that awkwardness happened.

 8. Tonight. When I went to a stake activity and ate some vegetables and ranch dip, and I was excited to get free food until the ranch dip was spicy and I didn't eat very much of it because my mouth was catching on fire. And then we were standing in a group with some cute boys and I was folding my paper plate into fourths, and then all of a sudden it popped out of my hands like one of those fold-up frisbees that you get in the mail from banks and realtors and stuff, and my roommate tried to catch it, but she just kind of batted it up in the air, and ranch went all over her hands and the plate landed and the ranch splatted and this girl who I did not know turned around and got sad that my ranch had gotten on the back of her pants. And I had no napkins. And my roommates ran away. And my face became a tomato. And the cute boys laughed at me. And I realized that I will never stop embarrassing myself. Never. Never.

Like Winnie the Pooh? But Better

There was this one time, two years ago, when all the bachelors in Utah got lucky.

Or 25 of them at least. Originally it was only supposed to be 21 bachelors, but it ended up being 25-ish. Why did they get lucky all at once, you ask? It's because they happened to know a girl named Christine, and she happened to plan a great surprise for her friend's 21st birthday. And that surprise involved Winnie stepping into a dark room and being surprised by a party that was attended by 21 smokin' hot men who handed her a rose, one by one, and kissed her.

There were supposed to be 21, but like I said before, there ended up being 25-ish. They basically begged to be included, and Christine didn't want to exclude anyone. This might seem surprising to some people in Provo, since not every girl has a boy clamoring after her for a kiss, much less 25. But the better you get to know Winnie, the less surprising it is.

We were babies when we met. BABIES I tell you. There we were, fresh-faced and bushy-tailed, sitting on the grass for freshman orientation. Who could have known then that over the course of our freshman year.....

1. I would spend approximately 3 nights every week sleeping on Winnie's couch instead of my own bed, which was a whole floor away from Winnie's apartment. 

2. We would make friends with some lovely people who we are still friends with today. 

3. We would go to a preference dance that we creatively asked boys to. 

4. We would get our Tucano's free meal cards in the mail at the same time, which would start a glorious tradition of us going to Tucano's for lunch on a weekend close to our birthdays.

5. We would both buy each other ice cream on account of some exciting first kisses. 

6. We would eat lunch together almost err day. We would also eat lots of other meals together. Like every time we had a test coming up and we had to study, so naturally we would eat instead.....

7. She would act as mediator during some interesting interactions with the roommates. We would design a peace pipe made of a paper towel roll and some scrapbook paper for this interaction. We would also come wearing these homemade headbands. 

8. We would be rewarded for the hours we spent mentoring elementary-schoolers with a tour of the football stadium and locker room. We would be more excited about this tour than the elementary-schoolers we were mentoring. 

 

 9. We would cuddle. At least, that's what some people would call what you see happening in that picture below....

 10.We would develop a greater appreciation for animals, like the ones we would visit in the Bean Museum. Also, like Cosmo the Cougar.

11. We would become such good friends that she would come and visit me on the East Coast that summer! During which trip, we would go to DC, NYC, New Jersey (on accident), and Baltimore.

12.  We would continue to party like (Mormon) rock stars when we were sophomores and juniors in college. We thought we would grow up after freshman year.

....but we only kind of did.

 13. We would turn into men for a night. 

 14. At some point, we would also turn into a genie and a shawty, respectively.

15.  We would take a week off from real life with some other friends from freshman year. Instead of going to classes or work, we would spend it in Vegas and California, sampling sodas from around the world, posing by palm trees, celebrating the wonderful Walt Disney, and soaking up the sun. 

Don't worry. We wouldn't feel any remorse about it. 

It's not often that you find someone who will be such a good friend as Winnie is. She is loyal and funny and thoughtful. She is a hard worker, but she makes time to have fun. She gives such good advice, and even when she says "I told you so," it's not mean. 

She wears cute clothes and her hairs always look good and I think her only fault is that her feet are not the same size as mine, so I can't borrow her shoes. And you know that's sad, because they are always cute.

She learns from her experiences. She has ambition and gumption. She is probably going to be the president one day. Whenever I'm hanging out with her and my dad calls, he tells me how great he thinks she is. Also, Nicole does the same thing.

So on behalf of my dad, Nicole, Chuck Bass, those 25 boys, and of course, myself: Happy birthday, Winnie! I hope it was the best day ever :)

The Weekend the World Went Wack

Have you ever had a week (or a weekend) where it seemed like everything was all happening at once? Because I have. It was this last weekend.

Here's a list of the ridiculous things that happened to me or one of my roommates or friends:

*Someone was getting tricked into a romantic date.

*Someone was breaking curfew to hear the story of said romantic date. 

*Someone was getting stood up by a boy with a girlfriend.

*Someone was losing best friend status.

*Someone was confessing their love.

*Someone was getting rejected.

*Make that two someones. 

*Someone was dumping someone else over facebook.

*Speaking of Facebook, someone was finding out that one of their [apparently not-so-good] friends was engaged via facebook.

*Someone was winning a bet and a date.

*Someone was telling a cute boy that she just wants to be a single lady.

*Said cute boy was still wanting to take her on dates and feed her roommates candy.

*Someone was being the best wing-girl ever.....

*Okay I admit, that one was me.

*Someone was writing and mysteriously signing a nice note.....

*....which may have been getting someone's hopes up.

*Someone was ruining her chances with a beautiful boy. Or was she?

*Someone was calling up an ex, but lying about their identity over the phone. What?

*Anddddd someone was getting a Facebook message from the sexy uncle. Dun dun dunnn.

Why won't you kiss me?

We are learning about questions in 2nd grade this week. To introduce the topic, I said: "So there's this boy, and my roommate kind of likes him. She thinks he's kind of cute, and she's really excited because he asked her if he could take her to dinner tonight! So they are going out, like on a date, and she's way excited, but she's also kind of nervous that she won't know what to say. So she asked if I could ask you guys for some ideas of some questions she can ask when she's on her date. What are some words we can use to start off a question?"

Someone said "what." I put that on the board and had everyone think of a question. The questions started out pretty good: What is your favorite sport? What is your favorite sports team? What is your favorite movie? What do you like to do when you're not playing sports? etc.

The next question word we talked about was "How?" We had some good ones: How are you doing? How is your day? And then someone raised their hand and said, "How much do you like me?" And all of a sudden, everyone had thought of a million other questions along those lines. "How much do you love me?" "How much do you want to marry me?" "How many girlfriends do you have?"

I thought that moving to the next question word, "When," would be a good idea. Here were some they came up with for "When:" "When will you be here?" (in case he's running late) "When will you leave me alone?" (in case he's bothering her) "When will you hug me?" "When will you kiss me?"

"It's a first date," I reminded them. "I don't think my roommate will be asking "When will you kiss me" tonight. But you're right! That is a question."

We went on to "where." Those questions sounded pretty similar to the "when" questions.... "Where will you hug me?" "Where will you kiss me?" "Where will you marry me?"

We got a little more creative with "Why-" "Why are we going to this restaurant?" "Why did you want to take me to dinner?" "Why do you like me?" "Why have you still not kissed me?"

"Let's try to stay away from questions about kissing," I suggested. The next person I called on said: "Why have you still not smooched me?" So obviously that worked really well.

And finally, we asked some "Who" questions - "Who told you to take me to dinner?" "Who is your mom?" "Who is your daddy?" (Uproarious laughter followed that one) "Who are your friends?" ("...in case he has friends," my students added) "Who is your girlfriend?" ("...and then you say, 'Is it me?' and give him the stare," K said. "What is the stare?" I asked. Don't worry, every one of my second graders was able to demonstrate their own version of the stare for me.)

If any of my roommates do end up using these questions on any dates, I would like to wish them a very hearty good luck. But even more, I would like to wish a hearty good luck to the boys who end up dating the girls in my class one day.

Walk of Shame

I am constantly tired these days. Just, always tired.

If I'm watching a movie, I'm falling asleep.

If I'm sitting on my couch, one of my roommates is petting my head and I'm falling asleep.

If I'm eating something, it might as well be Benadryl.

If I'm driving (which I am, 70% of my life), I am alert and dancing ridiculously to "Call Me Maybe," "Everybody Talks," or "Want U Back."

If I am hanging out with my friends, I am trying valiantly to be fun and stay awake, but I sometimes end up accidentally falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. But don't worry, because apparently, my valiant efforts to contribute my two cents to the conversation don't stop when I fall asleep.

Sometimes, I don't even wake up until it is 3 in the morning. And that's when I look around and realize that I was not the only one who just fell asleep where I was, because one of my friends is on the other couch.

When I woke up for real this morning, Kristen was just on her way out.  "You guys are welcome to stay here," she said. "Winnie spent the night, too."

So there we sat, Winnie, Christine and I on Kristen's plush couches, blinking at each other through day-old makeup, trying to remember how we all somehow just fell asleep in the middle of talking the night before.

The walk to Winnie's car was like a walk of shame....."except worse, because we didn't even get any action" (Christine).

Don't worry, we still stopped at the Awful Waffle and had a real cute friends-who-walk-of-shame-together,-graduate-together kinda morning-after breakfast.

 

You can write on the tables there. 

To Teach is To....

....touch a life forever. At least, that's how the saying goes. But one might also finish this statement with any of the following: "To teach is to...."

- go to assemblies. All day, err day.

- make copies upon copies. Sometimes I think all I do is make copies.

- dream about all the things that could go wrong in your classroom. I just had a dream that my headphones at the Listening Center were getting used by student after student, and they just got grosser and waxier and gummier until I awoke with a jolt and a conviction that I needed new headphones.

- observe budding romances.
"Okay, I'm going outside now."
"Okay, um....meet me at....the slide."
"Okay. I'll meet you at the monkey bars."
"Actually, okay. Meet me at that one place for four-square?"
"I'll just be at the swings? Maybe?"
"Well, I'm just coming out now. We can walk together."
"Oh! Okay!"

- observe budding friendships.
"Miss Connor, K is pushing his chair into my desk."
"Miss Connor, M isn't minding her business."
"Miss Connor! I asked him not to and he's still doing it!"
You know these two are going to be BFF one day.

- despair over the rising generation.
"You need to be focusing on your work, I just keep seeing you sharpen your pencil over and over again - "
*flabbergasted* "But Miss Connor, I don't like work! It's not fun, I just don't like it, it's boring!"
"...........I'm sorry, you still need to do it. If I see you sharpening your pencil again, I'm going to take your sharpener away."

- rejoice over the rising generation.
I don't have a quote for this. I just have the world's cutest kids in my class.

- drive. I drive 45 minutes each way. As if this isn't enough, I've also been having dreams that I am driving. Just driving. And getting pulled over. And merging, and accelerating, and braking, and driving.

- file. I never filed before. Now I file anything and everything.

- live my dream. Fo real. In all honesty, I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. I can't wait to go and see my class. Teaching is everything I ever hoped it would be, and more. So, so much more.

:)

Awkward Turtle

Life can get a little awkward when……….

- You go to an elementary school (where you are supposed to be a teacher) and happen to be wearing the same skirt as one of the students.

-Someone asks how you and this boy know each other and the boy in question quickly replies “We flirt in church.”

-You go to buy a car and learn all about the dealer, including, but not limited to: his conversion to the church, the story of his move from Iran to America, how many kids are in his family, the life story of his favorite son, the story of the time he switched careers from making crowns and bridges for teeth to selling cars, his political leanings…..

-You can’t even bring yourself to smile at the people working at FedEx because that place is a joke and you feel a little bit like they are waxing your nostrils with duct tape because of how much everything costs.

-Sooomebody has to stand up and say how great of a game kissing rugby is, and no one else steps up to the plate, so it ends up being you. And then you’re that girl.

-You tell a few people that you are considering going back to your old ward this upcoming Sunday, and every last one of them responds: “Oh, there are no cute boys in your new ward?”

-And you have to admit that no, there are not.


-You have a dream that you are serving a mission and your mission president's wife is giving a presentation to welcome you to the mission, and she announces that Matt Damon is in the boundaries of the mission, and he loves the missionaries, so feel free to get rides with him whenever, but don't kiss him. She goes on, "It is soooo hard not to kiss him. But don't do it. My gosh. It's, like really hard." And then all the other sister missionaries turn to you and nod and confirm that it is so hard not to kiss him. 

-Also, Arie was supposed to be going to your mission, too, but he broke his leg right before. So that's a bummer. 

-You have to tell a dealer that you don’t want their car, and you find yourself channeling your inner Emily Maynard in the hopes that you will be able to break up with the dealer as gracefully as she broke up with 24 guys.

-You call your mom every day at the same time to ask her to get you un-lost again.

-You seriously consider going to the dollar theater to watch “The Lucky One” by yourself, since your Zac Efron fan friend is currently in a different state and your other friends expressed specific disdain for the fact that he won some Teen Choice Awards.

But for real, how could you find fault with this?

-You watch Toddlers and Tiaras and it has the opposite of the intended effect on you. As in, you watch it and kind of want to put your children in pageants….

-Someone txts you "Be there in a sex."

-The next day, someone else txts you "Ok, see you in a sex."

-Both someones are immediately horrified and correct themselves. Both someones get a txt from you that says, "I'm sexcited!" because you are convinced that it wasn't only funny the first time and that this is a joke that is okay to repeat with different audiences.

-You fill out a damage sheet for the apartment you just moved into, which is the same apartment you painted 2 years ago, and in the spot where it asks about whether the walls are white or painted, you not only list the colors of all the walls but also compliment them.

-You go to buy 50 composition notebooks, 25 pencil boxes, 25 highlighters, 50 colored pens, 30 dry erase markers, 25 desk name tags, 50 boxes of crayons, 60 erasers, 48 glue sticks, and 100 folders at Walmart, and the cashier asks: "Are you a teacher?"

-And you respond, "No, I just have a lot of kids." 

-And for a second, he looks like he believes you.

-You txt a friend and accidentally ask what time "Capture the Fag" is going to start.

-You meet the worst boy ever at the pool, and he is the really persistent kind who keeps trying to talk to you and your friends, despite your blatantly rude body language that clearly says "don't talk to me, in fact would you please go crawl into a hole because that's how annoying you are...."

-You go to a baseball game and are told by the little girl sitting in front of you “Okay, I won’t lick your legs. But they sure do look tasty!”

-You go to the bank to deposit a check like an adult and the banker goes to shake your hand and asks what your name is, and you have to shift everything you're holding to the other hand and pull the lollipop out of your mouth to answer, and you realize that no amount of check-depositing will truly make you into an adult. 

-You and your sister make cupcakes for a friend for her birthday. They are the best cupcakes ever. Then, you don't know where she lives, so you just eat a couple while you wait on getting her address.

-On a possibly related note, you learn, through personal experience, that it is indeed possible to eat 18 cupcakes in 5 days. By yourself. 

And finally, it can get a little awkward when all the things on this list are actually the little things that make your life really enjoyable :)