MANual, Part 2b: Barely Returned Missionaries

“There are a lot of women who live with pot bellied pigs.”

Barely Returned Missionaries Fratris missionarius recentus

· Common names: RM, returned missionary, fresh off the field

· Genus name: Fratris missionarius recentus

· Habitat:

· Anywhere on campus

· Provo temple

· Defining characteristics / field marks: CTR ring; clean-shaven; pocket-sized scriptures; some souvenir from their mission, such as a scripture case made of snakeskin, a shark-tooth necklace, a Del Sol shirt, or a fancy pen from the Bank of Scotland; bicycle helmet (if they rode bikes on their mission); farmer’s tan (if they served somewhere sunny); missionary-like planner. Barely returned missionaries, called BRM’s for our purposes, often have difficulty adjusting to life as they knew it before their missions. They will appear stiff and awkward when talking casually with members of the opposite sex and will stick to asking specific questions rather than letting the conversation flow naturally. Their facial expressions are usually either (a) pondering and thoughtful, or (b) lost and confused, searching for their companion. They will also look thoroughly perplexed when the conversation turns to pop culture, current music, or new movies.

· Feeding habits:

· Three square meals a day. These males are used to order and structure in their days. Eating consistent things at consistent times is an important reinforcement of routine.

· Whatever they ate on their mission. BRM’s who served in South America will typically return to the states with a tolerance and even preference of spicy foods. Those who served coastal missions will prefer seafood. Italian BRM’s will be partial toward and selective about their pasta.

· Agonistic display

· BRM’s have just spent two years avoiding conflict of all kinds. They have, in most cases, matured and learned a great deal about humility while on their missions. Because of this, they are not eager to engage in conflict of any kind and would rather back down than argue.

· If pushed into a physical fight, they will insist on a prayer beforehand.

· Courtship habits:

· These males tend to be extremely awkward around females and often do not date at all the first few months following their mission, except when well-meaning friends and family will set them up with anyone and everyone that might be single.

· When they do ask a female on a date, they will usually ask for a commitment. For example, “Will you go out with me on Friday?”

· It is important to allow BRM’s to talk tirelessly about their mission. They have little else to say, and cutting off that conversation only leads to awkwardness as they struggle to think of a different topic.

· Don’t be surprised if a BRM you are dating refers to you as “golden.” In fact, you should take it as a compliment.

· Unlike other classes of males, BRM’s are usually more willing to commit, especially when they are “fresh off the field.” Having their eternal perspective, they are thrilled about the concept of marriage and see it as both a duty and a wonderful blessing. This leads to a paradoxical combination of awkward hesitation and eagerness to commit.

· BRM’s are some of the most considerate dates. They will call when they say they will, and will show up in a timely manner. They give several days notice before the day of the date. They are gentlemanly and respectful. Sometimes females find this disconcerting and wish for something a little less formal and more spontaneous, but at least faithfulness, etiquette, and genuineness are assured with a BRM.

· Mating call

· When approaching a female at a water fountain: “You know, Moses met his wife at a well...”

· “We’ve been commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth.”

· “Will you commit to dinner with me on Saturday night?”

· “Perfect love casteth out fear. You’re not afraid, are you?”

· “Boy, it’s a good thing I didn’t tract into you on the mish….missionaries are supposed to have their heart locked.”

· “I think we met in the pre-existence.”

· “Maybe you weren’t waiting for two years for me, but I think you may be just what I was waiting to find.”

· “God promises blessings to missionaries, but I didn’t realize it would look this good!”