The world is your oyster!: MANual, Part Three.        
 
                 
     
       

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sisters
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America
missionaries
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playgrounds
dressing up
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Friday, April 9, 2010

MANual, Part Three.

“All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.” -Cynthia Heimel

Engineering Majors Fratris majorus ingeniaris

· Common names: Engineering major

· Genus name: Fratris majorus ingeniaris

· Habitat:

· Talmage building

· Clyde building

· Eyring Science Center

· Crabtree Technology building

· EE-EE dances

· An engineering major’s natural habitat is typically messy and cluttered. This is a class of male that, almost without exception, needs a woman’s touch to keep mold and fungus from growing in their apartment and ants from invading. There will almost definitely be a well-used and loved game system where the engineering major hones his World of Warcraft skills. You can also expect to see a collection of Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and other science fiction DVD’s—all the extended versions.

· Defining characteristics / field marks: Glasses, furrowed eyebrows, pencil behind ear, calculator at immediate access. Engineering majors are not typically well-dressed and tend to have more scruff than other males. When they are dressed up, their ties are usually either too short or too long, and their shirt is untucked more often than not. This is because engineering majors have more important things to think about than their appearance, such as which one is better, a Mac or a PC.

· Feeding habits:

· Sandwiches, such as egg salad, peanut butter and jelly, or deli sandwiches with the deli meat carelessly thrown on.

· Fast food, freezer pizzas, granola bars, cold cereal, or microwave dinners. Engineering takes precedence over food, but engineering majors are still males, and still must eat.

· Agonistic display

· When another male enters their territory, engineering majors usually bristle and get flustered. Rather than engage in a conflict with a dominant male, they will leave in a huff and angrily discuss their encounter later with other engineering majors.

· Engineering majors get very defensive and abrupt when they feel that they are being backed into a corner. They might snap a pencil or two, but generally speaking are docile and sweet.

· Courtship habits:

· May ask females on a date in a creative but nerdy way, such as spelling out “Date?” on their calculator.

· These males do not typically like games in courtship and tend to be more direct.

· Since they tend to be more technologically savvy than other classes of males, they will be excellent at holding up a texting relationship.

· Engineering majors have a difficult reputation to break away from of being awkward, socially inept, messy, and smelling unattractive. While these are accurate of some engineering majors, they also tend to be caring, thoughtful, and faithful to their mate.

· Mating call

· “Are you a magnet, because I’m attracted to you!”

· “I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.”

· “Let’s you and me go engineer a little romance.”

· “I’m feeling exponentially more attracted to you as the minutes pass.”




“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.” ~Lana Turner

Pre-missionaries Fratris infantus

· Common names: Premies, pre-missionaries, babies.

· Genus name: Fratris infantus

· Habitat:

· Helaman Halls

· Freshman housing

· Dance clubs, such as The Loft and Studio 600

· Brother Bott’s mission prep classes

· Defining characteristics / field marks: Of all the classes of male, this is the only class that does not wear garments. Their hair is usually longer and more unkempt than other males who have already served missions. They are also afflicted with more acne than the average RM. As a freshman female, it can be difficult to tell Premies apart from other males, but when one becomes a sophomore, it becomes significantly easier. They simply look and act younger.

· Feeding habits:

· Cannon center

· Fast food

· Whatever the girls in their wards feed them.

· Pre-missionaries are not typically healthy eaters, but they are hearty and appreciative eaters. They don’t usually know how to cook very well and will eat whatever is most readily available to them. Since most of them are still teenagers, they have usually either barely hit their growth spurt or are still waiting for it. Either way, these males are ravenous at all times. They appreciate good food perhaps more than any other class of male and respond marvelously to it.

· Agonistic display

· Premies wrestle when confronted by an opponent. They are much more prone to conflict, especially physical contact, than other classes of males. These wrestling matches usually end with both parties feeling better, regardless of what the argument was about to begin with.

· When backed into a corner, premies will usually turn to either humor or pouting to escape. They are still a little unsure of themselves, but want to appear confident and adult, so this is an uncomfortable situation for them.

· Pointing out that a premie is wrong is unadvisable. Since they are male, they like to be right—all the time—and since they are young, they do not know how to respond gracefully when they are wrong.

· Courtship habits:

· Date as many girls as they possibly can. This is referred to as “filling the canteen.”

· These males love games in courtship. They are extroverted and flirtatious. Even if they are intimidated, they will be more willing to ask out a female they find attractive because of their lack of previous rejection and because of the pressure of their peers.

· Furthermore, they have a “more fish in the sea” attitude about dating as they will be leaving to serve their mission soon, and so are not overly concerned with serious relationships.

· Be cautious, however. Once in a relationship, these males will often be disillusioned with the idea that the girl they are dating will be willing to wait two years for them. This either leads to a mutual obsession with one other or a Dear John. Either way is emotionally draining and is ill-advised.

· Being in an exclusive relationship with a premie can be quite enjoyable. Since they are not highly motivated, they will be more willing to play childlike games and stay up late at night. These relationships also have a built-in expiration date (whenever they leave on their mission) which can promote a generally lighthearted feel to the relationship, alleviating some pressure from the female.

· If a premie decides to end a relationship, for whatever reason, he will not do so formally. Instead, he will abruptly cut off all ties and start pursuing another female. They are uncomfortable with confrontations with the opposite sex and will avoid them at all costs.

· Occasionally the premie will decide to end the relationship formally. This usually only happens at the persistence of the female involved. When they do decide to end the relationship officially, they will cite their upcoming mission and their need to maintain focus as the cause (a popular Mormonized version of the common phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me.”)

· Mating call

· “Did you fart? Because you just blew me away!” (or another equally tactful pickup line.)

· “I’ll probably go somewhere exotic for the mish and come back with a sexy accent.”

· “I’m just trying to fill the canteen.”

· “Yeah, but I’m not leaving until [insert month of mission date here] which leaves us plenty of time for us to get to know another.”

· “Would you like to hold the priesthood? Because I’m free on Friday…”

· “No, really. The Spirit is insisting that I take you out this weekend.”

4 comments:

  1. ahhaaaa so the engineering one made me think of my favorite nerd joke;
    a proton goes up to a neuron. "hey, I think I just lost a charge!"
    neuron, "are you positive?"

    bwahahaaaahahahaaaa :) <3 btw i loveee this MANual. so clever! mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So if the guy doesn't like snakes it means you will be fighting them off if you ever encounter one together? WTF is your problem? WHO ARE YOU? GROW UP. That isn't being picky, that is being ridiculous and stupid. Ask your dad, or your best guy friend (and please pick a straight one, a gay one might not give you the right answer) what they think about #5. Go eat a snake

    ReplyDelete
  3. hey benito, you're a loser. stop being a douche.

    ReplyDelete
  4. hey benito. who are YOU? stop stalking random beautiful girls' blogs and get a life. GROW UP.

    ReplyDelete