The world is your oyster!: MANual, part one.        

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

MANual, part one.

So for my History of Creativity class, we were required to come up with our own final project. We could do anything we wanted, as long as it creatively incorporated something we learned about this semester.

For my project, I wrote a MANual: a field guide of the boys at BYU. I think posting all of it at once would be kindd of a lot, so I'll just post them one at a time until they're done. Today I'm just posting the introduction and the first entry. This one is on athletes. Let me know what you think!!

Men are Dogs.

"Men are dogs." There I sat, a wide-eyed fourteen-year-old, carefully considering everything my bishop was saying to theYoung Women in my ward. Was it true? I asked myself. Could it be that, despite my childhood dreams, there really were no awkward and sadly misrepresented frogs waiting for identity-altering kisses? Were frogs, in fact, frogs?

More importantly, were men, in fact, dogs?

Bishop Nuss had certainly developed his argument well--even at fourteen, I could (albeit begrudgingly) admit that. He stood before us, a member of the species he claimed to know so much. How could we question that? His ethos was certainly intact. Even worse, every word made perfect sense. The lesson was on modesty, but it turned into much more: a frank and unrepentant examination of the essential differences between men and women.

Bishop Nuss went on to tell us, in no uncertain terms, that boys are a different species than girls. They were driven, especially teenage boys, by testosterone. They had one thing and one thing only on their minds, and that was not our comfort or happiness. A kiss meant something very different to boys than it meant to girls. Et cetera. My head was spinning. I never looked at boys in the same way again.

BYU Boys are Dogs.

When I arrived at Brigham Young University two years ago, I couldn't have been more thrilled. The campus was swarming with eligible young men, and I was right in the thick of it. I wrote to my Young Women's leader, calling BYU "the promised land, only flowing with men instead of milk and honey."

In my wide-eyed, nineteen-year-old innocence, I may have forgotten one thing: men are dogs. And if my bishop was right, then BYU boys, as awesome as they seem, are no exception to this rule, and Cougars are dogs, too. Now I've gone to classes, I've cheered at sporting events, and I've attended parties. I have met many great boys here in Provo, and I can truly say that, maybe despite their canine tendencies, I love boys, both collectively and individually. Based on my experiences, I'd like to tack an addendum onto my bishop's maxim.

A Dog is a Dog is a Dog?

There are countless types of dogs in the world. It would be silly to say that a spunky Chihuahua is the same thing as a beefy Rottweiler, and so to make identification of dogs easier, people came up with different classifications that were unique to each different type of dog.

In the same way, there are many different types of boys. Different girls prefer different types of boys. In order to make identification and selection easier for girls, I have come up with different classifications to describe the boys on BYU's campus. This list is not all-inclusive, but I have striven to include every species that I have come across, in my experience.

Please also be aware that this field guide may include sweeping generalizations. Once you reach this awareness, you should also reach a determination that you will not be offended by these generalizations. Of course your man does not fit any of these descriptions. Naturally you are dating the only boy in the world who is simply a man, and not a dog. Of course he is different. Obviously he is the exception and not the rule. And should you two ever break up, it goes without saying that you will find the only other boy in the world who is not a dog. And I wish you the best of luck with him, because, quite frankly, dogs are easier to train than men.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~Author Unknown

Athletes Fratris athleticus

· Common names: athletes, jocks, volleyballers, rugby boys, footballers, baseball boys, basketball boys, etc. Also called by their specific position on their respective teams.

· Genus name: Fratris athleticus

· Habitat:

· Richards Building

· Joseph Smith fieldhouse

· Glenwood apartments

· Helaman Halls

· practice fields

· weight rooms, or the gym

· Some of athletes’ favorite classes include: Floral Design, Sociology, and Flexibility.

· Defining characteristics / field marks:

· All BYU athletes share some commonalities, but they can also be divided into subgroups by which sport they play.

· Volleyball: usually tall and thin, with gangly limbs and toned muscles.

· Football: bigger rather than thinner; their muscles are usually bulkier rather than toned; a large number of males on the football team are Polynesian.

· Track / Cross country: very thin and lanky; suntanned; may be wearing shorts that are shorter than normal; more comfortable with fewer clothes.

· Basketball: tall and muscular, especially muscular arms; can be told apart from volleyball players because they are more often African-American rather than Caucasian.

· Rugby: generally shorter and stockier than other athletes; can be seen handing out flyers in the Wilkinson Student Center and speaking in fake accents.

· Besides all this, athletes are not easily spotted on campus. They are often traveling with their team to other states for games and therefore have very bad attendance in almost all of their classes. When they do attend classes, they may arrive late, dressed in BYU sweats and jacket and carrying a casual drawstring backpack. Because of this, many believe that BYU athletes are arrogant and have an entitlement attitude towards their classes.

· Feeding habits:

· Protein shakes.

· Whatever their personal trainer recommends. Athletes realize that their body is a machine and should be treated with care.

· More than any other class of male, these males eat a good amount of meat.

· Athletes also eat a lot of food, in general. They expend so much energy at their practices and in their games that they need that much more food. In addition, they consume copious amounts of water and Gatorade.

· Agonistic display

· Athletes are not afraid to fight physically, and hate to be challenged by a clearly inferior opponent. They do not seek out conflicts, as getting in fights would jeopardize their position on their team and their popularity. They make an effort to channel their anger into their performance in the soonest game.

· As a conflict becomes more intense, athletes will attempt to make themselves look bigger by raising to their full height and breathing menacingly. Stereotypically, they do not have much to say by way of debate, but people avoid fighting with them because of their formidable stature. The accuracy of this stereotype is debatable.

· Courtship habits:

· Athletes are not unaware of their elite status as a member of a BYU athletic team, but are less willing to refer to this as a way to get a date than business majors, for instance, are willing to mention their impressive internship. Whether this is because they assume that everyone already knows that they are on their sports team or not is also debatable.

· Athletes can be difficult to date because of their extreme popularity, but this also makes having a relationship with one of them highly enjoyable. Pros include: (a) being able to say that you dated Harvey Unga, or whoever the athlete was; (b) getting exclusive passes to sporting events; (c) meeting other BYU athletes. Cons include: (a) frequent traveling = frequent loneliness; (b) responsibility to BYU to not keep your athlete out too late or give him mono; (c) constant competition with other girls on campus to keep your athlete, yours.

· These males can be very fickle as a mate. They get preoccupied with practices, games, and trips and can forget to call or txt when they were supposed to.

· A female who is dating someone on a BYU athletic team will be expected to learn about their mate’s sport, be at all the home games (at least), bring a sign with their mate’s team number, and be understanding of scheduling conflicts.

· Mating call

· “Maybe we should huddle about it, just you and me.”

· “I’m a player. If you understand that, then we’re good.”

· “…And that’s when Coach gave me the award for MVP of the game.”

· “I can teach you how to tackle, if you don’t mind getting a little dirty.”

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