Bachelorette Heather

Sometimes when I watch the Bachelorette, I accidentally start to feel like I am The Bachelorette. By that I just mean that I relate men on the show to men in my life.

And sometimes I accidentally almost try out to be the next Bachelorette, nearly giving my father a heart attack.

Also, I sometimes get way more flirtatious when I watch the show. Oops.

The Bachelorette also makes me think about what I would like to say to all of the boys who have ever had a part in my life. Sometimes I wish I could line them all up, like for a rose ceremony, but it would be way longer, because I wouldn't just hand them a rose or not. I would go down the line and tell them all exactly what I think of them.

To Bachelor #1, I would say: "I wish I could make up my mind about you. That would be cool."

I would give him a rose. And then I would flounce on over to Bachelor #2, to whom I would say:

"I wish it wasn't so easy to talk to you. I wish you didn't catch on to my jokes so quickly. I wish I didn't love your family so hard. I wish you would go jump in a lake and never take me to dinner again."

And then I would kindly send him on his way, out of my life forever, and turn to Bachelor #3. I would really love to smack him soundly across the face, but ladies on The Bachelorette use their words more than their open palms, so instead, I would probably say something like:

"You are so gay. I don't even have words. You are also super-horny and I don't think I've ever met someone as immature as you are. Anddd you are a slobbery kisser. If I never see you again it will be too soon."

And then I would snap my fingers and have some burly security guards come and escort him out. And by "escort," I mean "defenestrate."

To Bachelor #4, I would say: "Again, no. No. Stop making awkward comments. It's not going to happen. I can't stress this enough. Please stop being self-destructive."

And then, hopefully, Bachelor #4 would take my advice, and I wouldn't give him a rose, and we would both be much happier, and I could move on to the next man in the line.

To whom I would say: "Awkward that I had a dream about you recently. Also awkward that you are suddenly my favorite person in this line, but still in a totally platonic way." And then he would scoot on out the door and back to his lovely wife, who really is lovely, and we would all carry on in our happily separate lives.

Bachelor #5 (since that last one doesn't really count as a bachelor) is a man to whom I really have nothing to say. Besides, "I still wish I had timed that better, so I could have at least gotten a ride on your motorcycle."

And that would be the last time I ever expressed an ounce of sorrow that that is over.

Bachelor #6 is someone I would not be altogether thrilled to see, because I would have to say sorry to him. I'd have to tell him that, all toolish Facebook pictures aside, I actually think he's kind of a catch. And I really should have gone to the lake with him. I would offer him a rose, but I doubt he would take it.

Next I would say, "Oh hello, Bachelor #7. I don't know why I think you are so cute, but I really do. I may have told my friend that you look like Nick Jonas. It's a good thing, don't worry. I also have a secret goal that involves you serenading me by the end of the summer."

Hopefully, he would work extremely hard to help me accomplish that goal. I mean, there is a rose on the line.

But then I would get to Bachelor #8, who would probably have brought his girlfriend in an attempt to make me feel stupid. But I would just smile at her, wondering what on Earth she could be thinking, and tell him that if I had to relive it, I would reject him again. Even now that I know of the awkwardness that followed. Even if I had to relive that 100 times.

Once Bachelor #8 and his girlfriend had gone on their way, I would turn my attention to Bachelor #9. At this point, my burly security guards would hand me a palm tree, with which i would thump him on the head. Then I would say:

"You're the dumbest boy I've ever met! Honestly! And you look like you're twelve! And I don't care that much for you, but I can't understand you for the life of me. Literally, no understanding. Goodbye." Cue the burly security guards.

I would then grab Bachelor #10 by his lapels and shake him. And I would demand that he take me on a date right then, because I still freakin' want a date with that man. Emily always asks, "Will you accept this rose?" But our conversation would sound more like, "Take the dang rose."

When I got back from my date with Bachelor #10, which I'm sure would be a letdown after all this time and anticipation, I would smile winningly at Bachelor #11. And if I was feeling particularly bold, I might just say:

"Yeah, I did make it a point to memorize and call your number during kissing rugby. You better be there when I go again. I promise I'll try to say something clever this time. I was feeling a little concussed last time, okay?"

I'm sure he would respond positively. Especially when I handed him a rose.

As The Bachelorette, I would hand Bachelor #12 a rose, along with date card asking him to go country-dancing with me. For some reason, I think that would be so fun....but I think I would send him home after that.

I would tell Bachelor #13:

"Your girl has frizzy hair. And I don't know why you're in my line, you should be in my friend's line of bachelors.....but while you're here, I might as well tell you that you are ruining my life right now. I hope you're happy."

My producers would come and help him find the right line, and I would turn to Bachelor #14.

"Hi," I would say. "You're an idiot. I am going to txt you one more time....one. And that will be the last time we ever speak if you don't call me up soon afterwards to ask me to go fly a kite with you."

Oh, and then I would say the exact same thing to Bachelor #15. And I would ask them both on a group date for the next week.

And finally, I would ask Bachelor #16 this burning question I've been dying to ask for about a month now: "Are you gay?"

I would also invite this guy to come on my season.....

....provided he doesn't win Emily's heart,

 and I would send this guy:

p-p-p-packing. So fast. And you better believe I wouldn't be going to meet his parents. 

The Hot Boy Hookup

Hello ladies. How are you? Fantastic.

I am here today to tell you about something that will make you feel even more fantastic than you do now. Actually two somethings.

Just by way of introduction, one of my favorite things about summer is how many people I meet on an almost daily basis. Everyone is tanner, happier, and more social in the summer, so there are tons of opportunities to make new friends. And if some of those new friends are cute and nice and confident boys, well then, all the better!

If you feel the same way, then you will be very happy to hear that I know somewhere you can find boys who fit this exact profile. They are called Pong Night and Country Dancing. And they are the first two somethings to be featured in this, the Hot Boy Hookup.

Thing One: Pong Night

Pong Night was started by my friend Jordan Lontine. He was a pest control boy in Maryland two summers ago, as you may remember. Anyway, Pong Night is basically just a party in the middle of the week and it is always heavily attended by cute boys. Everyone who wishes to play Soda Pong brings a liter of soda. There are usually about 4-6 games going on at any given time, so it's not like a huge performance or anything, but if you don't want to play, that's okay, too. You can just socialize.

Caitlin went to a bunch of the Pong Nights in the winter when I was in Florida, and I went to my first one on Monday night with Caitlin and Rachel. When we first arrived, we were a little put out because we only knew a few people there and Caitlin usually knows almost everyone. I guess it's a different crowd in the summer?

Whatever the case, we ended up staying for a few hours because boys just started coming up and talking to us. I guarantee if you come, to Pong Night, you will have a similar experience. Because no offense but we did not put a special amount of effort into our appearances for this pong night. The boys were just all super-social and funny.

Another good thing about Pong Night is that it's very much based on word of mouth. Everyone brings at least a friend or two, and then at the next Pong Night, those friends invite some of their friends. And now I'm inviting all of you to the next one :) If you are interested, let me know!

Thing Two: Country Dancing

Country Dancing at the Center is always fun for me, but if you hate it, then this Hookup won't interest you as much as, say, Pong Night. But if you don't hate it or have never been, you will have to make your way over there soon.

Wednesday is Singles' Night, which is nice because on Saturday, everyone has a date and if you go then, you might see lots of cute boys but not be asked to dance that much. And it will have nothing to do with you so don't be offended. Just go on Wednesday night.

Like I did tonight with Christine, Kaitlyn, Winnie, and Kristen. It was so great! We skipped the dance instruction and just went in right as the dancing was getting started. Christine said that it was kind of a lame night, and that there were way too many girls this time. But I have never danced so much in my life and I was thrilled!

Do boys realize that the ability to dance covers a multitude of sins? I am pretty good at following, if the guy I'm dancing with knows what he's doing, and I was amazed tonight by all the things I could suddenly do. MY HUSBAND MUST DANCE.

These boys are all so awesome! I felt like a princess as we twirled and two-stepped around the room. No one stepped on my feet. One time, this boy kind of set me down on the floor when we were doing a dip (like he was dropping me in slow motion), but that's it. And it wasn't a big deal, it didn't hurt or anything, and he helped me up and acted like it was his fault even though it was obviously mine.

The boys who go regularly are really nice, really good dancers, and really fun. They smell nice and feel strong and they are perfect gentlemen. And it's a really chill setting. Everyone's just going there to dance. You talk a little bit while you're dancing, but mostly you just say your name and where you're from and maybe talk a little about yourself. The boys aren't just there to pick up girls, although if you make a really good impression or really click, some of them might get your number. Which is great, too.

The music is really fun, too. And now "save a horse, ride a cowboy" is stuck in my head and I am this close to saving about 10 horses. Speaking of which, I am going to the Lehi Roundup this weekend and I'm so pee-my-pants excited I could just die. Maybe this will be another hookup? We will see :)