Bachelorette Heather

Sometimes when I watch the Bachelorette, I accidentally start to feel like I am The Bachelorette. By that I just mean that I relate men on the show to men in my life.

And sometimes I accidentally almost try out to be the next Bachelorette, nearly giving my father a heart attack.

Also, I sometimes get way more flirtatious when I watch the show. Oops.

The Bachelorette also makes me think about what I would like to say to all of the boys who have ever had a part in my life. Sometimes I wish I could line them all up, like for a rose ceremony, but it would be way longer, because I wouldn't just hand them a rose or not. I would go down the line and tell them all exactly what I think of them.

To Bachelor #1, I would say: "I wish I could make up my mind about you. That would be cool."

I would give him a rose. And then I would flounce on over to Bachelor #2, to whom I would say:

"I wish it wasn't so easy to talk to you. I wish you didn't catch on to my jokes so quickly. I wish I didn't love your family so hard. I wish you would go jump in a lake and never take me to dinner again."

And then I would kindly send him on his way, out of my life forever, and turn to Bachelor #3. I would really love to smack him soundly across the face, but ladies on The Bachelorette use their words more than their open palms, so instead, I would probably say something like:

"You are so gay. I don't even have words. You are also super-horny and I don't think I've ever met someone as immature as you are. Anddd you are a slobbery kisser. If I never see you again it will be too soon."

And then I would snap my fingers and have some burly security guards come and escort him out. And by "escort," I mean "defenestrate."

To Bachelor #4, I would say: "Again, no. No. Stop making awkward comments. It's not going to happen. I can't stress this enough. Please stop being self-destructive."

And then, hopefully, Bachelor #4 would take my advice, and I wouldn't give him a rose, and we would both be much happier, and I could move on to the next man in the line.

To whom I would say: "Awkward that I had a dream about you recently. Also awkward that you are suddenly my favorite person in this line, but still in a totally platonic way." And then he would scoot on out the door and back to his lovely wife, who really is lovely, and we would all carry on in our happily separate lives.

Bachelor #5 (since that last one doesn't really count as a bachelor) is a man to whom I really have nothing to say. Besides, "I still wish I had timed that better, so I could have at least gotten a ride on your motorcycle."

And that would be the last time I ever expressed an ounce of sorrow that that is over.

Bachelor #6 is someone I would not be altogether thrilled to see, because I would have to say sorry to him. I'd have to tell him that, all toolish Facebook pictures aside, I actually think he's kind of a catch. And I really should have gone to the lake with him. I would offer him a rose, but I doubt he would take it.

Next I would say, "Oh hello, Bachelor #7. I don't know why I think you are so cute, but I really do. I may have told my friend that you look like Nick Jonas. It's a good thing, don't worry. I also have a secret goal that involves you serenading me by the end of the summer."

Hopefully, he would work extremely hard to help me accomplish that goal. I mean, there is a rose on the line.

But then I would get to Bachelor #8, who would probably have brought his girlfriend in an attempt to make me feel stupid. But I would just smile at her, wondering what on Earth she could be thinking, and tell him that if I had to relive it, I would reject him again. Even now that I know of the awkwardness that followed. Even if I had to relive that 100 times.

Once Bachelor #8 and his girlfriend had gone on their way, I would turn my attention to Bachelor #9. At this point, my burly security guards would hand me a palm tree, with which i would thump him on the head. Then I would say:

"You're the dumbest boy I've ever met! Honestly! And you look like you're twelve! And I don't care that much for you, but I can't understand you for the life of me. Literally, no understanding. Goodbye." Cue the burly security guards.

I would then grab Bachelor #10 by his lapels and shake him. And I would demand that he take me on a date right then, because I still freakin' want a date with that man. Emily always asks, "Will you accept this rose?" But our conversation would sound more like, "Take the dang rose."

When I got back from my date with Bachelor #10, which I'm sure would be a letdown after all this time and anticipation, I would smile winningly at Bachelor #11. And if I was feeling particularly bold, I might just say:

"Yeah, I did make it a point to memorize and call your number during kissing rugby. You better be there when I go again. I promise I'll try to say something clever this time. I was feeling a little concussed last time, okay?"

I'm sure he would respond positively. Especially when I handed him a rose.

As The Bachelorette, I would hand Bachelor #12 a rose, along with date card asking him to go country-dancing with me. For some reason, I think that would be so fun....but I think I would send him home after that.

I would tell Bachelor #13:

"Your girl has frizzy hair. And I don't know why you're in my line, you should be in my friend's line of bachelors.....but while you're here, I might as well tell you that you are ruining my life right now. I hope you're happy."

My producers would come and help him find the right line, and I would turn to Bachelor #14.

"Hi," I would say. "You're an idiot. I am going to txt you one more time....one. And that will be the last time we ever speak if you don't call me up soon afterwards to ask me to go fly a kite with you."

Oh, and then I would say the exact same thing to Bachelor #15. And I would ask them both on a group date for the next week.

And finally, I would ask Bachelor #16 this burning question I've been dying to ask for about a month now: "Are you gay?"

I would also invite this guy to come on my season.....

....provided he doesn't win Emily's heart,

 and I would send this guy:

p-p-p-packing. So fast. And you better believe I wouldn't be going to meet his parents. 

Beach Bums

Disney Land is a pretty magical place, but the next stop on our vacation was every bit as magical, in my opinion. It was a bit of a hassle in the assle to get to, but when we got there, it was so worth it!

"The pimp-friend-turned-tour guide, formerly known as Steve"

"Can you hold this please? In your face...." -Steve

S: Can you imagine life without GPS?
W: Can you imagine life without....cell phones, or cars, or World of Colors....

W: I really hope this is the beach house. Otherwise I'm just going to break in and pretend it is.
S: Oh hey, are you my dad's client? No? Well, now you are!

"I don't even want to drive after this. Like at all. I will let my body eat itself." -Steve

"Thanks for the love honk, dude." -Steve

"This GPS is stupid. I want to punch it." -Steve

H: You guys are such novices at being lost. See, I get lost all the time, so this is like, no big deal. Oooh, look at that pretty rose!
S: Maybe that's why you get lost all the time....
H: Huh?
S: Oooh! A flower! That's what you do when you get lost??

And then, we arrived. It was almost midnight, and we all just kind of stumbled into the beach house and dropped our stuff.

You guys. It was the cutest beach house I have ever been in. It was so adorable! There was a little kitchen, a little living room, two bedrooms, and two bathrooms. The best part? The beach was right outside the back door.

Despite Steve's earlier declaration that he never wanted to drive again, we did end up driving to the grocery store, where we got food like real people. Like groceries that real people eat. 

The next morning, I was woken up by Winnie saying: "Heather! Go look outside! It's a beautiful day!" I was so excited that I rolled out of bed and ran straight to the ocean to dip my toes in. If I could wake up every day to such a declaration, I would not even mind that. 

The rest of our time in Newport Beach is a blur of frozen bananas, sand castles, honkin huge starfish, beachside barbecues, healthy people, frisbee lessons, souvenir shopping, Jersey Shore, $300 palm trees, and absolutely no hanky panky.

H: I have a coupon for a free package of hot dogs if we want to use that?

T: For where?

W: Any grocery store. Anywhere that sells balls.....

"You're gorgeous, don't stop!" -Skater boy

"And tell Steve he's the luckiest man in California. He's driving around with the three most powerful women currently in California....he could run for governor right now if he wanted to. I never would have been able to get 3 girls to go to the beach with me. I want to know what kind of aftershave he's wearing!" -my dad

Beach Bum #1: Hey, where did I park my Mercedes?

Beach Bum #2: I think it was next to my BMW...

Beach Bum #3: Oh yeah, didn't we double-park?

"Hey Steve. If you really want, you can kiss me on the cheek, since the sun is setting on the beach." -Christine

S: Kimmy used to kick me there all the time.

K: Yeah, and every time I did, my dad would like pull aside and tell me why I couldn't do that. And I still. Did it.

S: I'd love to just....sit on the beach in a beach chair and have a talk with Jesus.

H: You're so California....

H: I feel like we aren't being as funny today.

Ch: That's because we actually got some sleep....

"I was in the bathroom, getting fresh to death, like I do....." -Mike (Jersey Shore)

T: And then she kinda just left me hangin'....

H: "Left me hangin'?" Is that really a phrase you want to be using in this story?

Vegas Virgin No Longer

Last week, I was a Vegas Virgin. Now, I can no longer say that.

Sunday morning was a bit of a stress-fest with keys getting lost and plans being delayed a few hours, but we eventually got ourselves on the road and set off! 

Our fearless driver!

Do you wanna kick it in the backseat?

I made mix CD's for the trip. Not gonna lie, it kind of gave me anxiety as I was making them and every single song was chosen with the utmost care. I tried to imagine all of my friends laughing and singing along enthusiastically as if we were in some 50's convertible car commercial, and if I couldn't picture it, the song didn't make the cut. The result is some pretty rock-awesome mixes, you guys. 

We made it to Vegas just in time for dinner at Steve's sister's house. She has literally 2 of the cutest kids I have ever seen, ever, so we hung out there for a little bit, and then got ready to hit the strip, just to look around at night. 

Tony Stark stood in front of this very statue. The beginning of our fame?

Vegas is an interesting place on a Sunday night. The crowds are thinner and more hungover than on a Friday or Saturday, but the signs are just as vibrant and demanding. Everywhere, something is flashing in your face. There's always a bigger, brighter, or flashier sign. There's always a bigger jackpot. (There's always a bigger crackpot.) Smoke trails around you, unintentionally symbolizing the way money and dreams and clothes disappear so quickly around here. 

Despite all the smoke and glazed expressions, I did enjoy the following about Vegas at night:

*the lights

*the awesome spray-painter guy

*the statues

*the Bellagio fountains

Vegas is also an interesting place on a Monday morning! Winnie, Christine and I took our sweet time getting ready, which was too bad for Steve, whose nephew woke him up at 7 with a freezer pack to the face. 

We had Earl of Sandwich for breakfast / lunch, and that was one of the best decisions ever made in Vegas! 

Then we went to the penny slots. You have to put in $1 but then you can play a ton! At least I think you can....I didn't really understand the game, but I got $1.57. I took that little voucher and went to the next penny slot machine.  

And thatttt machine paid for my Earl of Sandwich! And gave me an extra $9 besides! Which I did not even mind. Thank you, Las Vegas. I knew I liked you. 

Vegas has a lot more to offer, too. We got an exclusive demonstration of how different sodas are made upstairs in the Coca Cola store, and also tasted sodas from all around the world. Some were delicus. Some were egregious. I guess you could say the same about a lot of things. 

We also found a free 10-minute 3D movie at the M&M store!

Palm trees are basically my favorite plant in the world, and there was an abundance of them in Vegas. Did you know that each palm tree costs $300? Sometimes I like to count them and figure out how much a specific street corner cost somebody. Maybe it was paid for by the people who played the penny slots and lost?

We bid farewell to the sparkling city and continued on our way to the Golden State: California!

Peggy-Sue was the first person to welcome us. We saw about a million signs advertising this cute little 50's diner and HAD to go! 

The second person to welcome us to Cali was a Finnish movie star. Actually, there were three of them! And they picked the booth right behind us to shoot their oh-so-famous gonna-be-a-big-fat-hit documentary of Peggy-Sue's Diner. Steve talked to them as if they were normal people. I stared at them as if they were movie stars. And I might have spent my meal leaning really far back, trying to get in as many shots as possible. 

We rolled into Steve's neighborhood in La Canada (pronounced The Canada, if you're a real local of the area) late at night, under a thick cover of some weird fog conjured up by Winnie's wish for a world full of clouds. 

You may not understand the following list of quotes, but try to enjoy them anyway:

"I feel like I'm in Seattle right now, where it rains 367 days out of the year. 

.....because there are 367 days in the year. Because it rains so much, that they get an extra 2 days in the year. 4 days? 3?"

"I just want some cream to rub on my....areas."

"You have to shower. What if someone sees you on TV, in hi-def, and they're like, daaaaang!"

S: You would pick that magazine. 

H: I picked it because it's political! And I'm intelligent.

S: You picked it because of the boobs. You have been all about boobs this weekend!

W: I guess you just always notice what you don't have?

"We need to just, stop having each other's backs."

"I'm gonna staple your face."

Obviously, it was a wonderful time :)

I'm in Love.

With Florida.

I am in love with palm trees. I love their rustly palm leaves and their jaggedy trunks. I love that they are everywhere here.

I am in love with the sunshine. I love that it follows me. I love that it tans me. I love that I can feel it on my bare skin in the middle of winter. I love how it dries my hair in just a few minutes.

I am in love with the ocean. I love the stripes of color, the green that fades to blue that suddenly becomes light sandy brown. I love the shells that get tossed around all day by the foamy waves. I love how the salty water tastes.

I am in love with the sand. I love how it is so soft, but so easy to pack. I love how it feels on my feet. I love pushing my hands into the sand and feeling how cool it is where the sun isn't touching it. I love drawing in it. I love doing cartwheels on the sand.

I am in love with my job. I love that I can do hair. I love that I can make people believe that I am magical. I love that I can talk to little girls from everywhere, from Mexico, or Brazil, or France, or the United States. I love that I can feel these little girls' spirits as I talk to them about whatever while I do their makeover. I love that I work with people who are so fun and nice.

I am in love with flipflops. I love the way they slide on my feet without any hassle. I love when I get a flipflop tanline. I love seeing my toes and wiggling them around.

I am in love with motorcycles. I have said it a million times, but I just think they're the hottest thing ever. I love wearing heels and a dress and climbing on the back of a motorcycle. I love holding on tight and shooting down the road. I love putting my hands up and feeling like I'm flying. I love the way the wind pulls on my hair.

I am in love with Cici's Pizza. I love how nice the workers are. I love the macaroni pizza. I love how small the slices are. I love the desserts. I love paying hardly anything for a whole meal. I love not being hungry for a whole day after eating there.

I can't ever leave this place. Why did I think I could be here for 4 months and then leave? I'm so in love with everything about Florida.