On Boys

Boys are confusing, because they are both the best invention and the worst.

Why boys are the best invention:

Last night, Kelly came over and we had some girl time. At about midnight, she left and I got into bed. About 15 minutes later, I got a call from her.

"I need you to help me!" she said. "I'm stuck in a ditch!"

I was all ready for bed and looked like someone had just taken a dump on me, but I pulled on some boots and a jacket and went outside. Her front right wheel had gone down into the gutter outside of the Single Tree parking lot, and she couldn't move the car forwards or backwards.

I had been outside for only a few seconds looking at the car when two boys came over and asked what was going on. We told them the problem. I tried to stay in some shadows so they wouldn't run away from me. They immediately started looking for a solution.

Then a few more boys came up. They asked some questions and threw out some ideas. Someone went off to grab a cinder block to maybe wedge under the tire.

Eventually we had an army of 10 guys who all just happened to be walking around with nothing better to do than save some damsels in distress at 12 on a Friday night. They told Kelly to put the car in reverse and push on the gas and they would push from the front. She pushed on the pedal and nothing happened. They stood back and thought about it for a minute.

Two more guys came over and asked her to press on the gas again. She pushed the pedal all the way down and insisted that nothing was happening. They informed her that she was pushing on the break.

She pushed on the gas. The engine revved reassuringly and the original plan was decided on.

"Hold on, wait a second," one of the guys said. "Is she the one who was driving the car?"

"Yes," I said quickly. Sorry, Kelly.

"Okay, get her out of there, let someone else drive," he said.

There was a pause. Then he smiled and said, "Just kidding. Alright let's do it!"

Kelly pushed on the gas. The boys flexed their muscles. In a matter of seconds, the car lurched out of the gutter and found itself back on solid ground.

The boys dusted off their hands and dispersed. They didn't expect anything at all in return for their help. It was just about the nicest thing I ever saw.

Why boys are the worst invention:

Because sometimes, they make time pass really slowly. And you find yourself acting pathetic. And you can't eat, because you feel like you're going to throw up if you do. And you can't sleep, and you just lie awake because maybe you will eventually fall asleep and you don't want to do anything to ruin your chances of that happening. And you can't finish doing laundry because it takes too much effort. And you ask a lot of dumb questions and zone out of a lot of conversations, and nothing else that happens even matters.

Anddd sorry that all sounds so emo.