Mistakes you Shouldn't Make

I just went to a seminar on Saturday that was about not confusing preferences with fundamentals. The speaker said we should never teach preferences as fundamentals, but we should also never teach fundamentals as preferences. Think about it for a second. Feel the enlightenment wash over you.

Here are some other things you should never do, with regards to mix-ups:

-Mistake the mix-in brownies for free samples of brownies at Coldstone. You won't be the first one if you do, and you probably won't be the last, but we'll still look at you like the only one who ever even thought about doing such a thing.

-Mistake expectations / standards with relationship mind games. You don't need to play games, necessarily, but you do need to have expectations. Sometimes people don't have expectations and it's weird.

-Mistake a CTR ring for a wedding ring.

-Mistake wasabi for guacamole.

-Similarly, you should try not to mistake neosporin for whipped cream when you put it on your finger and realize you have too much and then before you have time to wipe it off, someone offers you a piece of pie and you gratefully accept and eat your whole piece of pie, all the while gingerly holding your finger away from your pie, until the end, when you have forgotten about the neosporin and only remember the delicious pie that you were just fed and you think that is whipped cream on your finger and you eat it and then get really worried that you're going to die.

-Mistake run-on sentences for well-developed ideas.

-Mistake friendliness with flirtiness. Also vice versa. Both mistakes can be embarrassing....for both parties.

-Mistake Jimmer for Obama. Not sure who did that....

-On that note, you should never mistake Faith Hill for Oprah Winfrey. Even if the lighting is weird in the picture. Also not sure who did that. Once. When I was like 12. Whatever.

-Mistake girls who are hard to get with girls who are playing hard to get. One time a guy accused my sister's roommate of playing hard to get, and my sister said, "Maybe we're not playing. Maybe we just are hard to get."

-Mistake busyness for standoffishness. There's no need to get all miffed if the girl you are interested in is kind of hard to get ahold of, or hard to get a date with. She's probably not a heartless bee who is surely playing you. Maybe she's just really awesome :)

-Mistake a guy and a girl who are really good friends for a couple. A wedding isn't the only excuse to buy a suit, even though it is a good one.

-Mistake Courtney for someone who is sweet and genuine.

Real Courtney.

Fake Courtney!!

And finally, please don't:

-Mistake Ben for a really awesome, clever, to-die-for gentleman. He is a clown. His hair is a sin. He looks like Francine. From Arthur.

And on that note about ineligible bachelors, here is a wonderful song:

And I couldn't agree more :)

Ode to an Omelet

This morning, I woke up feeling a little miffed. Mostly just because it is Wednesday and yesterday was Tuesday but everyone pretended like it was Monday, so I knew today was going to be annoying.


Then I listened to a little Glee, and consciously took my time getting ready instead of worrying about being on time to class, and it was warm enough outside to wear just a hoodie, so then it seemed like the day was looking up. But even with all of these positives, I was not prepared for what happened next.


At the end of my literacy class, one of the girls stood up. "For those of you who weren't here at the beginning of class," she said, "our science teacher has food poisoning, so class is cancelled today."


Is it my fault that heavenly hosts started singing in my head right then?


It's not just the textured bra and the bare feet that triggered the chorus. It's not just the fact that I feel like my life is slowing draining away when I am sitting there in class. It's also the timing.


Every Monday and Wedneday, I have class from 8:00 am until 2:20 with just a short break from 12:30 - 1:00 (provided Eula can finish up in time), and you know I don't wake up early enough to eat breakfast and get to class on time at 8.

This wouldn't really be a huge problem if I hadn't tried an omelet from Scoreboard Grill with Kelly one random day over the summer. But I did. And my life has never been the same.

And I'm not saying that I have dreams about this omelet. Or that I had two in the past week, two very detailed dreams where I watched that omelet being made, watched it sizzling on the grill, watched it being folded neatly, and then watched it be handed to me over the glass. I'm not saying I had those dreams, or that when I woke up I was craving that omelet like a pregnant woman. But I'm not saying I didn't either. (Okay, I did.)

All I am saying is that today, I actually did go to Scoreboard Grill, in real life. And I actually watched them make my omelet, and fold it, and hand it to me. And then I ate it. And that is how I know that dreams come true, because my teacher got food poisoning, and I got my omelet.

Dear Katherine Heigl,

Your favorite love song was not written about a sandwich. It was written about an omelet. And that is nothing to be sad about.

Love,
Heather

A Jew and a Man

Today is such a special day. Two days ago was also such a special day. Here's why:

18 years ago today - at least I'm pretty sure it was 18 years ago - the girl in this picture (above middle) was born. A happy family with two awesome parents and three awesome daughters became even happier. She sleepy-smiled her way right into our hearts and hasn't left there since.

She was literally the cutest baby I have ever seen in my life. I hope my kids are as cute as Baby Julie was! She had sparkly eyes and was so sweet and smiley. We all wanted her to be our best friend.

Now she is way more grown up. She is beautiful! I always tell her she is the pretty one (even though all of my sisters are the pretty ones.....). She has gorgeous hair and is so cute and funny. In high school, she would sit up and help me study for tests. She is the best storyteller and we laugh so hard whenever we get to hang out together. Whether she is chumming along to the radio or we are doing each other's hair or she is screaming on the bathroom floor because she can't put her contact it, she is making me laugh.

And ah de boys want her, too. Obviously.

Two days ago was another special day.....it was the day the best Jacob in the world turned 13. Whataman!

Baby Jacob was bald and energetic. I still picture him as a little boy running nearly naked around the house, dancing to Tarzan music, his Lego sword stuck in his underwear. He had a knack for breakdancing and the collective adoration of all of his sisters, and his brother. Not to mention, the ladies.

Stitches couldn't mar his handsomeness; they only made him more rugged-looking. The boy is a stud. He is also one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever known. He is a good friend to everyone, whether they are his friends or not. I'm so impressed with the way he puts himself in others' shoes and then performs simple acts of kindness for them without being prompted.

He is also super-funny! And so smart. He never makes fun of me for not knowing things that, to him, should be common knowledge. One time, I wanted to impress a boy, so I asked Jacob what every boy knows about football. I asked him to list some famous quarterbacks for me, and asked about some specific plays that are always super-exciting. He took my questions seriously and told me his favorite quarterbacks and why everyone else likes them, too. It was extremely helpful.

I don't know how to congratulate these two enough on their good decision in coming to our family! It wouldn't be the same without them. I'm so glad Julie got switched at the hospital. I'm so glad Jacob didn't get switched at the hospital. I'm so glad they are such good friends to me. Here's to the Man and the Jew :) Peace, and blessings.

Life Lessons Learned at the Opera*

I went to the opera this weekend. It was my first time, and I was quite excited. I expected to be entertained, to hear beautiful music, and to feel more cultured afterwards. What I didn't expect was that I would learn so many life lessons there!

I know, Anastasia. I know! Shocking. But I did. And now, I would like to share them with you.

1. The woman you love will usually be taken.

2. A few minutes is enough time for a burning passion to be ignited inside of you.

3. Said burning passion can burn for a year before you actually feel compelled to confess it.

4. The friends you party with are probably unconcerned about your health.

5. But they are greatly concerned about your love life and will fiercely defend you if an ex-lover is rude to you.

6. Even if you probably deserve it because you did leave him with no explanation and show up at a party with the man you were dating before him.

7. Doctors are liars with good intentions.

8. Women in love are liars with good intentions.

9. Men in love are crazed liars. And their intentions are malicious. Until they feel sorry.

10. Love makes people do things they regret instantly.

11. Women sometimes stay in unhealthy relationships for far too long.

12. Love cannot cure mysterious diseases.

13. People with mysterious illnesses that have rendered them unable to stand can still sing forcefully.

14. Dying can take a long time.

15. A long, long time.

16. Sometimes when people say forever, they mean "until I change my mind."

17. The person in a relationship who was abandoned by their lover will not always be the sadder of the two.

18. Ecoli Imishi might not be able to come, even if you were so looking forward to hearing her.

Have you ever been to an opera? What are some life lessons you learned?

*I make no promises that the things on this list are things I actually learned at the opera. But most of them are.

On Boys

Boys are confusing, because they are both the best invention and the worst.

Why boys are the best invention:

Last night, Kelly came over and we had some girl time. At about midnight, she left and I got into bed. About 15 minutes later, I got a call from her.

"I need you to help me!" she said. "I'm stuck in a ditch!"

I was all ready for bed and looked like someone had just taken a dump on me, but I pulled on some boots and a jacket and went outside. Her front right wheel had gone down into the gutter outside of the Single Tree parking lot, and she couldn't move the car forwards or backwards.

I had been outside for only a few seconds looking at the car when two boys came over and asked what was going on. We told them the problem. I tried to stay in some shadows so they wouldn't run away from me. They immediately started looking for a solution.

Then a few more boys came up. They asked some questions and threw out some ideas. Someone went off to grab a cinder block to maybe wedge under the tire.

Eventually we had an army of 10 guys who all just happened to be walking around with nothing better to do than save some damsels in distress at 12 on a Friday night. They told Kelly to put the car in reverse and push on the gas and they would push from the front. She pushed on the pedal and nothing happened. They stood back and thought about it for a minute.

Two more guys came over and asked her to press on the gas again. She pushed the pedal all the way down and insisted that nothing was happening. They informed her that she was pushing on the break.

She pushed on the gas. The engine revved reassuringly and the original plan was decided on.

"Hold on, wait a second," one of the guys said. "Is she the one who was driving the car?"

"Yes," I said quickly. Sorry, Kelly.

"Okay, get her out of there, let someone else drive," he said.

There was a pause. Then he smiled and said, "Just kidding. Alright let's do it!"

Kelly pushed on the gas. The boys flexed their muscles. In a matter of seconds, the car lurched out of the gutter and found itself back on solid ground.

The boys dusted off their hands and dispersed. They didn't expect anything at all in return for their help. It was just about the nicest thing I ever saw.

Why boys are the worst invention:

Because sometimes, they make time pass really slowly. And you find yourself acting pathetic. And you can't eat, because you feel like you're going to throw up if you do. And you can't sleep, and you just lie awake because maybe you will eventually fall asleep and you don't want to do anything to ruin your chances of that happening. And you can't finish doing laundry because it takes too much effort. And you ask a lot of dumb questions and zone out of a lot of conversations, and nothing else that happens even matters.

Anddd sorry that all sounds so emo.

Mkay? No way!

Things I Like About Mary Kay meetings:

-my face feels soft afterwards

-I go with Aimee and we are fun together

-I get some fun things for free

-I learn fun facts like that men look younger than women when they both are 65 because men shave and that is a deep exfoliator

-It is a nice time-spender

-I feel powerful when I say "No thank you" even after an hour and a half of intense MK indoctrination

-The JoBros and MiCy provide the background music.

Things that make me not a fan of Mary Kay meetings:

-I get nervous that my face is going to freak out in a few days because of all the stuff I put on it

-Somehow during the time I am in the meeting, my Jimmy John's sandwich gets lost in Aimee's car

-They pressure me to be a MK saleswoman

-They insist throughout the meeting that they are not MK stalkers, but I know they are lying

-They use fear tactics and tell me that my eyelashes will fall out, my skin will sag, and my husband will look younger than me if I don't use their products

-They tell me all about the free trips and cars and diamonds they get for being an MK saleslady and all I hear is the clink of a million coins that paid for those trips thrown at them by stupid women who went to meetings exactly like the one I am currently sitting at and swallowed the fear-psychology-fueled horror stories of ugly women who used to be pretty but didn't use MK so now they are wallowing in their ugliness and getting surgeries that wouldn't have been necessary if they had just used the $80 eye cream

-Sorry about that run-on sentence

-They make me take my makeup off so I will feel too insecure to do anything but agree with them

-Their office is located in possibly the sketchiest building in Spanish Fork and a cat whines and scurries off as I approach, making me think I am in a horror movie.

They invited me back for another meeting next Tuesday. I plan to go because it will also be a nice time-spender, Aimee is going, I will be served desserts and given a free gift, and I know I will again say "No thank you."

All in a Wednesday

Wednesdays are, the worst. You probably don't care....but here's what I did today:

8:05 - Rush into reading class, 5 minutes late.

8:16 - My teacher rushes in, 16 minutes late.

8:16 - Listen, laugh, learn.

9:10 - Leave.

9:30 - Kind of listen to the science lecture and take notes, but mostly just stare at my science teacher's feet. She doesn't wear shoes and it's all I can look at. Except today I also noticed her textured bra making a cute little design on her shirt. She's charming.

10:00 - Alternatively stare at the feet and the bra. Work on some homework for another class.

10:40 - Work on a group project, one of about 18 this week.

10:50 - Heat up oatmeal in the microwave by the vending machines in a bowl I found outside of my science classroom. Eat it with a spork I found on top of the microwave.

10:55 - Get to math class in time to get a laptop. Score! Continue eating oatmeal.

11:00 - Math class begins. We all kind of hum along with this song no one knows about teaching. It's today's Unknown Song of the Day that is apparently in our Hymnal, but is one of the ones that no one has ever sung, ever, and probably not even the angels in heaven know it.

11:05 - Zone out. Start chatting with my mom on google.

11:20 - Wonder how much longer Eula is going to spend talking about grammar.

11:50 - We get to the point of our lesson. We spend 15 minutes crafting a simple addition word problem.

12:10 - Find out the assignment we should be working on for next time. It is a group project. Get to work on it with the 3 people closest to me.

12:20 - My group agrees that even though we are supposed to meet together and work on the project at the same time, using one computer, this is ridiculous. Our schedules don't match up and the assignment is due on Friday. We decide to make a Google Doc and then split up the work.

12:25 - Go to work on another group project. While I am in the computer lab, one of the girls in my group is stricken with a guilty conscience. She frantically txts us, asking when we could possibly meet together. She pastes the part of the syllabus emphasizing that our teacher wants us to meet together on the GoogleDoc. I grit my teeth.

12:50 - Heat up yummy chicken and rice in the microwave by the vending machines. Eat it with a fork I get from the secretary in the advisement center.

1:00 - Go to CPSE. Watch a movie. Appreciate my teacher so much I want to give him a hug.

1:20 - Find out that when my science teacher missed class for a "family emergency" last week, it was because she was getting. . . .married?? Decide emphatically that when I get married I will not tell my class that I am having an emergency and please excuse my absence for one day. No.

1:30 - Remember that my CPSE teacher assigned us another group project last class period. No longer feel like hugging him.

2:20 - Go with Christine to sign a contract at a new apartment. The office is closed.

2:40 - Go home and work on homeworks.

4:00 - Work at the Writing Center.

5:30 - Go to Drama class. Seeing that my teacher is sick with pneumonia, I feel elated thinking we will get out of class early! I txt a friend about getting dinner later.

6:00 - Present a storytelling project. Feel good about it. Feel excited to leave class in maybe an hour, max.

7:00 - My teacher announces that she is feeling strong enough to continue. I panic.

7:15 - I am still in class, but our activity is winding down. Maybe I'll be done by 7:30?

7:30 - Nope. We're playing a name game.

7:45 - Oh, still here. Reviewing the reading.

8:00 - Pick at split ends.

8:10 - Wonder how rude it would be to just get up and leave?

8:20 - Finally I get out of class.

This. Is a long freaking day. I am so excited for the Practicum to start so I don't have to have these Wednesdays anymore!