Will you be my neighbor?

Closing day was last Wednesday. Move-in day was Thursday, which meant that meet-the-neighbors-day was also Thursday.

It all started when Stephen and I pulled up in front of the house just to bask in its beauty one more time before we started moving stuff in. I accidentally honked the horn.

Twice.

The second time, Neighbor #1, who had been dutifully shoveling his driveway, came up to our car.

"Everything okay?" he asked,  sounding a little annoyed.

"Yeah yeah, everything's fine!" Stephen assured him. "Sorry, she wasn't trying to honk."

#1 hesitated. "You honked twice."

"Yeah, she wasn't trying to, we weren't honking at you," Stephen said.

"Everything is good with the car?" #1 asked.

Finally he went back to his house and we got to work unpacking. It wasn't long before Neighbor #2 came along: a friendly elderly gentleman named Robin Forest (true story).

"Are they showing you the house?" he asked.

"We've already seen it," we explained. "We just bought it."

#2 lit up. He told us three times that he was glad we were moving in. He then proceeded to tell us about his old bishop in Washington, his bishop's son, a sister missionary in the bishop's son's mission, and the man that she ended up marrying. It wasn't him, and it wasn't anyone we know. But it was very nice of him to tell us, all the same.

We drove off to get more boxen. When we came back, #2 came over again with more stories! This time he also asked if we were LDS and if we knew when and where our ward met on Sunday. I thought that was very sweet of him.

As we were making another trip into the house, someone driving by slowed to a stop and rolled down their window.

"Are you guys moving in?!" called the driver.

"Yeah, we are!" we called back.

"Oh that's great, nice to meet you!" she responded. "I live next-door. It'll be nice to have neighbors again! What are your names?"

"Stephen," said Stephen.

"Heather," I said.

Pause.

"What are your names?" she said, louder.

"Stephen and Heather!" called Stephen, louder.

Pause.

"STEPHEN AND HEATHER!" yelled Craig, even louder.

Pause.

"I can't...."

"I already met them!" piped up Robin Forest from the porch next-door. "They're Stephen and...."

"I'll be coming back soon, Robin!" the lady in the car interrupted. I don't think she heard him, either. "I haven't forgotten about you, don't worry! Okay see you guys later!"

"Bye!" we called back, and she drove away.

We didn't have much time to miss her, because she came back about a half-hour later.

"Have you guys gotten dinner yet?" she asked.

"Yeah, we just ate," we told her.

"Well I thought you might be hungry, so I just brought you a little something," she said, and handed me two cases of mini-cupcakes and a loaf of sweet raspberry bread from Smith's.

I was very touched! "Ohhh, thank you..." I started to say.

She smiled and jumped in, "Yeah, I get stuff from the store all the time for free! I mean, these have just been sitting out, so they've been chilling outside, they're still good!"

"Yeah totally!" I said. Huh?

"Yeah, so, I get stuff all the time. I'll just leave things on your porch sometimes, and you'll know who it's from, and it'll be great!"

"Wow, thank you!" we said, and went inside. Looking a little closer, I discovered that the cupcakes and bread had expired on December 27th.

But a nice gesture is a nice gesture, and nice neighbors are better than mean neighbors.

(They are also better than neighbors with squeaky beds who live upstairs of you, what?)

Shimp Home for the Holidays

This year is my first year not going home for Christmas.

.....I KNOW. Hash tag, big girl.

Instead of Baltimore lights twinkling up into my airplane window on Friday, I experienced the lights of Indianapolis for the fist time.

Then I experienced:

-some delicious cheesy bread, sugar cookies, peanut butter fudge, and cold medicine
-getting tackled by little boys who quickly stopped when they realized I was not their sister
-using all of Natalie's makeup since I apparently left all of mine in Utah
-going out Christmas shopping in the middle of Indianapolis flooding

{I'm serious. I got an emergency weather alert txt telling me to stay away from potential flooding areas}

-sleeping with Stephen in the bed his parents assigned to us. Oh, with his brother in the same bed.
-the Christmas program in the Indy 1st ward, which included a fabulous special musical number and donuts after the meeting
-a Christmas dinner at an interior designer grandma's BEAUTIFUL home

-a conversation that went like this:

me: Brandon, are you taller than me now?
We stand up to measure ourselves and find that he is a good 3 inches taller.
Diane: Oh yeah, I can't keep him in the same pair of pants for more than a month! He just grows out of them so fast!

-followed by a riveting game of boys vs. girls Catchphrase

-in which I got "growing pains," and the timer was speeding up, and it was up to me to help my team guess it, and I blurted out: "Okay, this is what....Brandon keeps doing this out of his pants."

-and my team didn't guess it and instead just got really confused.

-so I said, "Diane was just telling me about it!"

-and then people just laughed instead of guessing and I had to try something else.

There's no place like home for the holidays, but there's an H on one of the stockings here, and Natalie drew me in the family picture she put in Eric's room, and I'm surrounded by people I love. Besides which, there's a huge ball of mistletoe that I can stand under whenever I want. So for my first Christmas away from home, it's going to be a pretty nice one :)

Chaste by an Elephant

Today I walked into RelSoc, fully expecting to be spiritually fed via another lesson that I could not hear a word of due to the air conditioning. But that is not what I got.

My bishop for this springtime is a fantastic bishop. He is shortish, and spryish, and sweetish. (Not to be confused with Swedish.) He is enthusiastic and friendly and one of those bishops that just radiates charity. It was this man who stood up immediately following the opening prayer.

"We have this lesson at least once a year," he began. "The dreaded chastity lesson. And I know my daughters didn't always - or ever - love getting this lesson from me, so I'm sorry that I have to be the one to teach it to you girls."

"I think you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop!" one girl exclaimed rapturously.

A catcall? The bishop lost his concentration for a moment. "What's that?" he asked, smile still intact as he looked around the room, trying to identify the interrupter.

"I said, you'll do a wonderful job, Bishop," she said, a little less rapturously.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," he said, and tried to get back on track. "I'll just do my best."

He clicked a button and an image of Mt. Rushmore appeared on the screen behind him."Who has ever been here?" he asked. A few hands went up.

"Where is he going with this?" I wondered. "Is he going to take the all-of-these-men-did-it route? The, everyone-is-doing-it-but-you-have-to-do-it-at-the-right-time-with-the-right-person, route?"

"What did you think of it?" the bishop asked.

"It was cool," one girl said. "It wasn't as big as I thought it would be."

"Oh no!" I thought. "You can't say that in a chastity lesson!"

"Exactly!" the bishop said.

......wait, what?

"That's what most people say when they see Mt. Rushmore," he continued. Lots of emphasis on every other word: "It's not, as big, as they thought, it would be."

K but, really. Where are you going with this.

"We'll come back to this idea later," the bishop said. "Right now I want to show you this:"

Another button, and there was the bishop in a beautiful cream-colored tuxedo with a very big bow tie. His hairs were combed neatly. His date's hairs were feathered, just as neatly.

I don't remember why he wanted to show us this picture.....but I do remember that the catcaller struck again when that image lit up the screen. "Lookin' good, bishop!" she cried out.

I think the bishop anticipated some awkwardness in teaching this lesson, but he hadn't quite expected it in the form of loud compliments directed at him. His cheeks flared up and he coughed out an uncomfortable little laugh.

And then, he went on to teach a wonderful lesson. One of the best lessons about chastity that I have sat uncomfortably through. A rocky beginning

ehm, pun intended....

 did not deter my bishop from finishing strong.

2nd place goes to

and 3rd place to 

"What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way, to not is....to not."

Aaaand I'd better just stop talking about it now. Happy Sunday!

You Know You Teach in Utah When....

- One student gets annoyed at another and snaps, "You have to be reverent in the hallway!"

- During journal-sharing in the morning, one of your students mentions that she will be getting baptized in a few weeks.

- You ask for students to ask their family / friends to send in postcards from cool places around the world and half of the postcards you get are from missionaries.

- A third of your class doesn't turn in their spelling homework every Thursday because "I had to go to scouts last night, so I couldn't do it."

- The Pope is mentioned in the read-aloud book, so you ask if anyone knows who the pope is, just to make sure, and everyone in the class just stares blankly at you.

- Then when you try to explain who the Pope is, someone says, "Oh, like the bishop?"

- While practicing alliteration, one of your students offers "red roadkill" as an example. Wonderful. Thanks for that.

- You ask, "Who has a big family?" and everyone's hands shoot up.

- So you say, "Okay, who has more than 3 brothers or sisters?" and only three people put their hands down.


- When you ask if anyone knows who the president is, the student you call on proudly answers: "President Monson."

- Then when you say, "No....." the student you call on next says, "President Hinckley?"


- And when you finally tell them that, no, you're talking about the president of the United States, and someone knows that the correct answer is President Obama, a good 4/5 of the students look disgusted and make some comment about how "My dad says he's running our country into the ground."

- The demographics in the class are not too surprising.

- When you ask who a responsible member of the community is, one of your students replies: "Jesus."

Utah has its quirks, for sure. But the really important thing is the kids, and I love these kids to death :)

Unfortunately

I am here to tell you an unfortunate story.

It starts out fortunate, with some cute boys coming and sitting by my roommates and me in Sunday school.

My fortune started to wane a little when I couldn't hear anything that anyone else, the teacher or my classmates, was saying, so I started to color in a missionary letter for one of my best friends.

Which started up the "do you have a missionary?" conversation, which led into the "relationship status" conversation.

Which isn't too unfortunate, until it reminded me that I had to send a txt. And in my head, I was like: "Maybe I shouldn't txt during church. I'm supposed to be paying attention, after all." But since I couldn't hear anything anyway, I figured it would be okay.

So I just leaned myself forward in my little seat. My phone was mere inches from my fingertips.

And then, my heel slipped. I lurched forward. My face smacked the chair in front of me, and every boy in the ward turned to look.

I didn't even know what to do. I turned to the boy next to me and said stupidly, "Did you see what just happened to me?"

Of course he had.

But the story isn't even over there! Because a few minutes later, I decided I could try to get my phone again. I planted my feet firmly on the ground. I leaned forward. My fingers closed around my phone. I started to sit up to type out the txt I had to send.

My phone went clattering to the floor.

I felt like God was really bugged that I kept trying to txt during Sunday School, so I stopped trying then. Unfortunately, this happened several hours ago, and this is still kind of what I look like, in my head:

A Jolly Good Fellow

Four days ago, I was settling down for a responsible, early-to-bed kind of weekend, hoping that if I could just master going to bed at a decent hour for two days in a row, I would be all ready for school to start on Monday.

Four days ago, my early-to-bed weekend plans were shot when I received an invitation to attend President Monson's birthday celebration.

Which I accepted.

Ah-hobviously.

It was a very swanky to-do, meaning that it took place at the Conference Center in Salt Lake and you had to be dressed up to attend.

There was an opera singer, some Broadway singers, an ex-TV lady, an ex-football player, and of course, the guest of honor:

He waved at me. You know I'm pumped about that. 

Dear President Monson,

There are many things I love about you.....You have a winning smile. I can picture you teasing your wife, Frances. Your talks never fail to amuse and touch. You wiggle your ears and stick out your tongue. You are kind of like the Princess Diana of us Mormons - pre-divorce of course, or at least pre-car accident. Everyone loves you. 

But you know what I love most about you?

I love that I felt sad when President Hinckley died. He had been my prophet. You were nice too, but I wasn't too sure about you, if I'm being honest. 

Then you came to BYU to give a devotional. I wiggled into the closest seat I could find. You walked in and we all stood. We sat. You gave your devotional. You said, "I invoke His blessings upon you, in this crowded audience," and I've never forgotten it. Someone prayed. 

You stood to walk out. You made it to the tunnel where the basketball team runs in every time there is a game. You waved. You reached up and shook someone's hand, and then another person's. Two little girls leaned over the railing, waving little notes they had written. You reached up and took the notes, shook their hands, and then walked out through the tunnel. 

I love that the cameras didn't catch it, but I did. I love that that was the moment when I knew that you were the prophet for this day. 

Happy birthday, Thomas S.!

"Eventually!" Freaks Yelp

The whole week at EFY is super spiritchal, but Thursday is the spiritchal day. *Note: I do know how to spell spiritual, but because of this lady, I always think it's funner to spell it like "spiritchal."*

Anyway, Thursday was full of wonderful things. We went to classes, had a "Living Christ" activity, and learned about what a testimony is. I think my favorite class was Brother Huso's. The Husos the session-directing couple and I want to be just like them when I grow up. 

They are the quintessential Mormon couple; she is tan, blonde, and teeny, he's tan, muscular, and kind-smiley. They both have perfect teeth and do things like hold hands in the hall and fall asleep on each other during the variety show. He runs Iron Man competitions and is a high school principal, seminary teacher, bishop, and swimming enthusiast. She stays at home with their 5 (obviously beautiful) kids, runs marathons, and is an adorable session director's wife. I could go on. 

This is the Husos with one of my girls :)

So as I was saying about Brother Huso's class: on Wednesday, he came around and asked all the counselors what their group needed to hear, and what he should talk about. He started off by showing our answers, and almost every single counselor said something about how their girls needed to know that they are beautiful and awesome and have self-worth and blablabla. 

Then he showed a picture of the Mesa, Arizona temple. 

"So, we're from Arizona," he said. "And this is our temple. And I hate our temple." There were a few gasps and some nervous laughter. "Look at it," he went on. "It's so dumb. Who designed that? It's all boxy...." He clicked to the next slide.

"At least we don't have to go to the Provo temple though. I mean, is this temple a joke? It looks like a cupcake. And that steeple.  I don't know what the designers were thinking." Click.

"I wish I was from San Diego," he sighed. "They have a beautiful temple. Look at it. It looks like a castle. Wooooow. Now that is a temple." Click.

"Salt Lake has a pretty temple, too," he continued. "People come from all over to see this temple. No one comes from all over to see - " clickclickclick " - this temple."

He turned to the girls. "How many of you wanted to punch me when I was talking about my Arizona temple that way?" Lots of girls laughed and raised their hands. "Good!" he said. "How do you think Heavenly Father feels when you talk about yourselves that way? What do you think God cares about more: bricks, or flesh and blood?" 

During this class, he also shared txts that he had the boys send in with a message that they wanted to give to the girls. Most of them consisted of the words "You don't know you're beautiful!" (very original) or "You are beautiful daughters of God!" 

But one or two said things like, "Sarah, this is Jake, and you're my COW! Here's my number. Txt me!"

And you know I teased Counselor Sarah about that. 

Thursday was also Variety Show Day. My group had the final act and it was awe-some! If you are my friend on facebook, I thinkkk you can see it with this link.

If not, I'm sorry. Trust me that it was awesome. And know that I didn't learn the dance, since every time they practiced it was when I was doing variety show tryouts, but I got really excited when they were doing it, so I just danced along in the back. And I reminded myself of Regina George's mom. 

  

Friday was also full of wonderful things. Such as.....

Finishing our morning devotional and opening the door to see this sign (above) that the boys in my company made for my girls. All together now: awwwwww :)

Hanging out with my broder. Who is so spiritchal and awesome and taller than me?? Yeah I'm still trying to get over that one. 

Taking pictures as a company. This is me with the boys who made that wonderful sign, and shared their soda, and asked me to interpret their dreams every mealtime. 

Being secretly photographed every time Dalin and I sat next to each other. 

Or planned Devotional together. 

Or walked around together. 

Or ate together. 

Sometimes the pictures were taken through the leaves of potted plants.

Dalin often begged my girls to take more pictures of us together. He was loving the attention. 

And thus ended a wonderful week in Cincinnati.

A Bowtied Bishop

Yesterday at church, I noticed that my bishop was wearing a gray bow-tie with tiny black polka-dots.

"That's so cute," I thought, and smiled at how adorable my bishop is.

Then I found out that he was wearing the bow-tie because his wife was returning from some trip and he wanted to look like a chauffeur when he picked her up from the airport. He made a sign with her name on it and was just pumped to stand by the baggage claim, holding his sign and sporting his bow-tie. When I found all this out, I almost died because of how adorable my bishop is. Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard?

How cute are these two??

Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam

When I go to my home ward, I typically try to avoid big kid meetings as much as possible. Instead, I like to spend all of my time helping out in Primary!

I walked into the Primary room today and was greeted with a huge hug from the Sunbeams teacher, Sister Henderson. I was her unofficial teacher helper in the summertime and I absolutely love this lady. But even if she was terribly annoying or rude in any way, Primary would still be a highlight of my visit. I never fail to be entertained and enlightened.

Here's what happened this week:

Prayer: Someone stood at the front and gave the prayer. I didn't hear it. I did hear: "Sarah, put your dress down. All the way down." In a whisper voice, "Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. STOP! Turn around." From in front of me, "She's my favorite toy ever!" From across the room, "Big deal, I can pray, too." And, when the prayer was over, "A.....me-e-e-e-e-e-en!" sung quite beautifully.

Singing time. The children learned that it is better to give than to receive. The chorister had one child come to the front and pick a random present out of her bag. (They were small things, like a baseball, a cookie cutter, a cool plate, etc.) The child then wrapped the gift in a yellow napkin and tied a yellow ribbon on it. That child's teacher then went out into the hall and pulled in a random person who was just standing out there. The unsuspecting hallstander would come in and stand at the front of the room. All of the children then sang a verse of a Christmas song to the hallstander, the child presented them with the gift, and everyone wished them a Merry Christmas. Random gifting is so fun!

Bishopric Message. One of the counselors in the bishopric came in and told a shortened version of the story of Christ's birth. At one point, he said "They said that Jesus was going to come -" "Jesus is going to come??" There was silence. An abrupt, Shhh! And the Second Counselor continued uncertainly, "Mmmm.....they said that Jesus was going to come."

Closer to the end of his message, the Second Counselor said, "We need to be prepared for the Second Coming of Christ." A child in CTR 6 indignantly interrupted him with, "No, the third! He already came and came again, so it'll be the third. I thinkkk so." The Second Counselor shifted and laughed a little uncomfortably. "Um, so, we need to ready for when Jesus comes again," he clarified.

Classtime. After all of this, we split up into class. In Sunbeams, we read a Christmas story, set up a Nativity, and made gingerbread houses. You know I was happy about all of those things.

Giving of Thanks

I heard recently about this thing called "First Class Problems." It's when you complain about something that those less fortunate than you would lovvve to complain about. Here are some examples:

"This dress is way too loose!" Those less fortunate than you - anyone who has put on a few pounds and can't seem to find a scrap of clothing that is even close to loose on them.

"My boyfriend wants to hang out alllll the time and it's so annoying!" Those less fortunate than you - anyone who are neglected by their boyfriend. Maybe he is too busy cheating on them. Maybe he just went to California while you stayed behind. Whatever.

"Ugh! I can't rotate the PDF on my iPad touch!" Those less fortunate than you - anyone who doesn't have an iPad touch.

"My boobs are way too big, they never fit in anything!" Those less fortunate than you - oh, me. Shut up about it.

You understand. Since it is Thanksgiving, not a single First Class Problem will escape my lips this holiday or on this blog! Instead, I will list things I am grateful for. One thing for each letter of the alphabet.

** I'm not including people, since feelings might get hurt. You guys, I'm just too popular! (Kidding.) But please know that I am more grateful for people than any of these things :)

A - Awful Waffle. Best crepes in Provo, I love it!

B - babies. They're so dang cute!

C - Christmas. I cannot wait!

D - Daddies. Kind of a person, but also I'm just grateful for daddies in general. They're so sweet and hardworking and selfless.

E - exercise videos. Thank you, Lena Pareira!

F - Florida. I sometimes think I dreamed my life there. It was a very nice dream.

G - girl friends. I don't know what I would do without my friends! I have been so blessed with the most loyal and fun girl friends and I love them to death.

H - Heavenly Father.

I - ice cream. I work at ColdStone, so obviously it is my passion! Just kidding, but I really am thankful for it.

J - Jesus. I'm so grateful to be a member of his church and grateful that he wants to have a personal relationship with me. I'll never be able to thank him enough for what he's done for me, but putting him on this list is a good start I think!

K - kissing. Mhmm. It's a nice thing.

L - laughter.

M - moms. Mine is obviously the best, but I'm grateful for moms in general. It's so great that in today's society with so many pressures to choose something different, there are still women who think it's important to have and raise children, who are willing to put the needs of their children in front of their own desires.

N - naps.

O - optimistic thoughts. It's never been super-hard for me to be happy and optimistic, and I am grateful that that comes naturally to me. I know it is a struggle for lots of people.

P - pandora.com. This guy gets me through all my homeworks.

Q - questions. I am grateful for the chances I get to ask questions, and for the questions other people ask me about myself. I am grateful that I am not afraid to ask questions.

R - rights. I'm grateful to live in a country where my rights are defended daily. I'm grateful for the concept of rights, the idea that we have inherent worth.

S - sunshine. Anyone surprised?

T - taste. Can you imagine if we couldn't taste? Eating would be a chore, something we just had to fit into our busy schedules. Instead it is a delight, all because of taste. We've just learned how to appreciate it.

U - underwears. Cute underwear can make you feel instantly better, even though no one else would be able to tell the difference if you had on granny panties or a thong. It's nice to have something so simple just for your own enjoyment.

V - Vera Bradley lanyard. I love mine!

W - washer in my apartment. It is so handy and convenient.

X - X. This x represents everything that I forgot. As in, I am grateful for x. :)

Y - yesterday! I am grateful for all the great memories I have, the wonderful opportunities I've enjoyed so far in my life.

Z - zippers. It is nice when they don't get stuck. And when they stay up.

So there you go! What are you thankful for?

The day my Red High Heel went out

My Idaho vacation only got better with the coming of Sunday. Well, first of all I have to admit that I was super-antsy in church. I've come up with the following reasons for this.

1. Church started at 9 am.

2. Church started with RelSoc.

3. RelSoc started with the announcement that "modesty candy" would not be passed out today because everyone looked pretty modest. I turned to Nicole in shock. She smiled reassuringly at me and explained that they usually hand out "modesty candy" to a few girls who particularly exemplify modesty. I was not reassured. I became antsy. (Antsier.)

4. RelSoc and Sunday School were both held in a dance room, so I kept peeking compulsively around Nicole at my reflection.

5. Was my antsiness a subconscious rebellion to the "modesty candy" and the signs all over BYU-I's campus about not wearing shorts? I don't consider myself particularly rebellious but maybe I am.

6. I only saw one cute boy. He didn't see me. ANTSY.

All antsiness aside, it was a lovely meeting. Nicole and I went home, took a nap, and then one of Nicole's friends invited us over for lasagna and breadsticks. It was delicious! I love being fed so much.

After our midday meal, we had an important task: Nicole's photo project. I don't really know what it was, but she needed me to be a model. I needed no further information. Photo shoots are among my favorite activities! I fixed my hair a little and we headed down to the BYU-I gardens, arms overflowing with stuffed animals and kitchenware.

Nicole's idea was to portray the classic little-girl-having-a-tea-party-with-her-stuffed-animals. I tried really hard to channel my inner child, but it wasn't long before we heard the sound of real children's voices.

"There are children in this garden," Nicole observed seriously. "I'm about to kidnap them for myproject."

We laughed about it, but not even five minutes later, two beautiful blonde kids, a 6-yr-old boy and his 3-yr-old sister, came over to the table, their eyes widening at the tea party setup.

Nicole and I smiled at them, trying not to look creepy or overly excited. "Hi," we said. Their mom came over and said "Oh wow, look at this!" Their grandpa followed and smiled as the two kids sat down at our table, conspicuously eyeing the Ritz crackers and mini Oreos.

Encouraged, Nicole asked if they would like to participate in her photo project. Their mom agreed and we all stepped back as they modeled. They were really the most perfect thing that could have happened to the photo shoot. They hugged the stuffed animals, ate the crackers, drank the lemonade, and tried on our "big girl" shoes (just the girl did that last one). Their mom got into it too, encouraging them to not look at the camera and just act normal.

After a few minutes, Nicole had about 30 pictures. We thanked the cute little family, packed up our tea party, and went off to find more photo opportunities.

A bench swing, a fountain, and some gardens later, we found a beautiful manmade waterfall and began photographing in earnest. I had slowly made my way to the top of the waterfall and was about to come back down, having enough pictures, when Nicole got the brilliant idea of handing up my red Steve Madden heels so I could hold them artistically as I came down the rocks.

Of course I agreed that that would be super-artistic. Anyway, what could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, it was a terrible idea. But it made for a great memory when I threw one of the shoes down, watched as it bounced twice, moving farther away from the waterfall both times, and then rocketed backwards, flung into the pond water by some inexplicable force. (Super-funny, God. I know that wasn't physically probable.)

My expression went from shocked to horrified to panicked as I watched it drift towards the center of the pond, and when it tipped backwards and started to sink, I couldn't think of anything to do but laugh. Nicole ran off to find a stick to pull it out and came back with a stout little log. Not helpful.

I may have deconstructed the manmade dam a little bit when I took a longer stick that I had to hold with both hands off the top of it, but I needed my shoe, so don't judge.

At first it tried to float every time I got close to the shoe, which by this time had settled comfortably on the duck-poopy, algae-y bottom of the pond, and we had to force it under the water with both hands to even touch the shoe. I think it eventually got waterlogged, making it easier to pull the shoe closer to us.

When it was close enough, I found a nice skinny branch that kind of curved at the end, snapped it off it's tree, and enlisted it's help as a fishing hook. While Nicole held the shoe in place with the fatter stick from the dam, I carefully hooked the new stick through the peep toe of the shoe and pulled it to the surface, where we all (the shoe included) were able to breathe a sigh of relief.

We attracted quite an audience throughout this whole ordeal.

Unhelpful Audience Members:

1. the duck. Who knows where he went.

2. the family that leaned against the rocks and watched us with a faint trace of amusement ontheir faces and then hurried away when we asked if any of them could swim.

3. the couple that was happily making out behind some trees until we disturbed them with our cries of dismay and they walked out of the trees, looked at us in puzzlement for a minute, and then walked out, hands intertwined and unavailable to help us.

4. the awkward couple whose romantic pictures we interrupted when we arrived at the waterfall. They made their way back over, saw our plight, and walked away, smirking at the karma.

5. Vince Eisinger, an old family friend from our childhood who I didn't recognize, but Nicole did. He randomly walked up at the end with his wife and some of his in-laws. He tried to be helpful but by then we had it under control.

Moral of the story? Throwing your shoes around water is never a good idea. Especially if you forgot to thank God for the children he sent your way to use in a photo project for your humanities class.

How to Get a Date, Mormon Style.

Step 1. Be single.

Step 2. Make a passing comment to your sister or brother or mom about an unfamiliar face in church that belongs to a boy who might be about your age.

Step 3. Do nothing.

I'm serious. If you have followed steps 1 and 2 correctly, everything else will follow. Are you a little confused by the vagueness of the instructions in step 2? Don't fret. They are vague because it really doesn't matter what you say. As long as you do not give the impression that you were thoroughly disgusted by the newcomer, you have done all you need to do.

Here are a few examples of some things you might consider saying:

"Did you see that new boy sitting with the [insert family name here]s? I wonder where he's from."

or, "The boy across the aisle from us has kind of a long nose."

or, "That is a real nice tie that boy on the stand is wearing."

or, "Hmmm. I've never seen him before."

After you have performed this task, someone else will take over. Maybe it will be the lady with whom you team-teach in primary. Perhaps it will be the sister in your ward who once gave your mother a KitchenAid. Or the Young Women's leader who runs half-marathons every year for her birthday. And then again, it could be your own mother, in a burst of motherliness such as she deems appropriate for such a day as Mother's Day.

All I'm saying is, you can never be too careful. The sisters in the Relief Society love a good matchmaking sesh and they are an excellent team. Everyone knows everyone else, and everyone knows someone who is talented in just the right way or knows just the right piece of information about someone else. These ladies know who to direct their questions to. They know the numbers to call.

Don't worry if you suddenly discover that your Friday has been planned out for you. You can rest assured that the ladies of the Relief Society would never pair you up with an ineligible suitor. (At least not intentionally.)

You also shouldn't worry if your reputation precedes you, and suddenly you learn that you are not so humdrum as you may have thought. You may have been glorified a little bit in the matchmaking process. That's okay. Embrace it. So now you golf professionally? How nice! You are so crafty that everyone else agrees that you ought to open your own boutique? Well, why not. While you are busy with that, go ahead and congratulate yourself on your performance in the recent spelling bee. You world traveler, you.

PS. I just accidentally bought 3 new pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of boots for the winter and some canvas boat shoes for the summer. WAIT. I promise I haven't forgotten everything I learned from reading the Frugalista Files. The boots were on sale! And I got free shipping! And altogether, it only cost $54.40. What whatttt :)