Spice Up your Closing Ceremonies

So, I was really tired today.

Probably about as tired as one might be if they had gone to bed at 6 in the morning.

Imagine watching the Closing Ceremonies of the Summer 2012 Olympics feeling like that.

It got a little bit trippy.

Which is why I decided to do this post on how I would have improved the Closing Ceremonies if I were the one in charge! Ehm:

1. I would have gotten rid of the roller-skating nuns. What? What was that?

2. I would have changed Jessie J's outfit. I would have given her a really fluffy charcoal-gray sparkly tulle skirt to wear with her leotard.

3. I would have reunited the Beatles. If the Spice Girls could come back together, so could the Beatles! [John Lennon and George Harrison would just have to work something out. It's the Olympics. Get it together, guys.]

4. I would not have formed anyone's face with weird white puzzle pieces.

5. I would have kindly asked Annie Lennox to not perform.

How scary is this woman??

6. I would have definitely kept the Spartans out of it.

7. I would have given One Direction a cooler stage. If Annie Lennox gets a pirate ship, my boys definitely deserve something a little fancier.

Also, they would have been given a solid hour. And since I would be the one in charge, I would be on stage with them. And they'd be singing right to me. 

8. You KNOW there would have been no Russell Brand in my Closing Ceremonies.

9. Prince Harry would get double the face time that he did.

At least double. 

10. George Michael would not have sung "Freedom" or whatever the heck he sang. He would have sung "Faith."

  

11. The Spice Girls would not have stopped after only two songs. They would have stopped after.....twenty songs.

12. Victoria Beckham would have given me her dress after the Closing Ceremonies were over. (Also her husband.) What?

If only I really had been in charge. Even McKayla would have to be impressed.

via

Not to be a Creeper, but....

Remember that time that I posted a blog about Tuesday Night at Coldstone?

Here's a link, if you forgot about it.

Anyway, I just saw on facebook that Tuesday Night got engaged to the blonde girl! What whaaaaat, who called it?? Oh, right. That was me. I was there, you guys! I saw them on their first date and I just knew they were going to get married. Then I was like, whoa, Heather, isn't that a little extreme? I mean it's just a first date. But I guess I should have just trusted my own intuition.

It's just hard to trust my intuition when sometimes I'm SO so wrong. Like when I predict that one of my best friends will meet her husband in DC and instead she meets a bunch of tools whom I would be offended if she married. Or when I predicted that my sister would get pregnant while I was gone and the closest this comes to being true is her having a dream about getting pregnant. Or when Prince Charming is not so charming after all. Well, he is really charming, but also just really dumb.

Under the Influence

You know how sometimes, someone says something, and it is said in just the right way and at just the right time, so that it has an everlasting impact on you?

Here are some things that people have said that you might not think would influence me so strongly, but they did.

1. "Time to wake up and get pretty for school!"

My Aunt Carol said this to me one morning when my parents were out of town and she was staying with us in their absence. Something changed in my brain right then. I thought, "Oh. Getting pretty? I love getting pretty!" I realized then that I have the opportunity to get pretty every. Single. Morning. I jumped out of bed and made my way over to the mirror, beaming. Getting ready for school was no longer a chore, because I wasn't just getting ready; I was getting pretty.

2. "'Will you marry me' should be the easiest question you ever answer in your life. If it's not the easiest question, it's either the wrong guy or the wrong time."

My Miamaids teacher, Sister Obering, said this in one of our many many lessons on marriage. It gave me a good deal of comfort, because I always thought that getting married would be such a stressful decision. But really, shouldn't it be easy? Shouldn't you just know that you are saying yes to the right person, and it's the right time? I like that idea a lot.

3. "You're just so comfortable in your own skin."

My roommate Olivia said this to me a few weeks ago. I'd never thought of myself in that way, and when she said that, it made me think that maybe other people don't think I'm as awkward as I think I am. Not that I think I'm so awkward or anything....I just never realized that people might think of me as someone who was obviously confident and comfortable.

4. "Heather. What if, tomorrow, you get all ready for church. And you have a beautiful dress, you do your hair all pretty, everything. And you sit down with your family and you're waiting for the meeting to start, when in walks Prince Charming. And he is so handsome, and so perfect. And he sees you and just thinks, oh, that is the most beautiful girl. I must have her. And he starts to walk towards you. And you see him coming towards you and you just think he is the best thing since toilet paper. And you can't wait to meet him. And then, right when he's about to get to you, you smile at him, and your teeth are all black, and they're falling out of your head, because you didn't brush them. And that perfect Prince Charming just thinks, Oh my. What a mistake. And he walks away. Wouldn't that be sad? Don't you think you ought to brush your teeth?"

My dad said this to me when I was about four years old. I might have been five. Regardless, for some reason that night, I didn't want to brush my teeth. And after that, I never didn't want to brush my teeth again. I mean, how traumatizing! What if my teeth did turn black? What if Prince Charming did walk away when I smiled? How awful!

I've also found myself subconsciously applying this to other things in my life. Like, when I don't want to shave my legs.

5. "You'll want a pair of headphones."

My sister Kelly said this to me when we were stuff-shopping when I first arrived in Provo for school. I didn't have an iPod then, and still don't, and I never listened to music while studying, so I didn't think I would need headphones. But hooooly cow was she right. I got a pair of headphones and used it every single day of my life after that.

6. "Sometimes, it's best if you've gone on a few dates with someone and you still don't really like them, it's best to just tell them, 'you know, maybe we shouldn't go on any more dates, I think it would be best if we were just friends.' That's okay, you know."

Sister Giles, another one of my Young Women's leaders, said this when she and her husband participated in a panel about dating for one of our activities. Sister Giles was beautiful, intelligent, and sweet, and I remember thinking that she must have had millions of boys wanting to date her at college. Of course she would have to come up with something to say to eliminate a few of them.

I was certain then that my situation at college would be far different, that I would never utter those words. I couldn't imagine that many people were as popular as Sister Giles had been. Maybe one of my friends would be that popular and I would hear stories about her turning down dates. As for myself, it didn't seem very likely that I would ever avoid a date, much less tell someone straight out that I wasn't even interested in being asked out by them again.

But now I understand that it's not even really a matter of popularity. Everyone doesn't always want to go on a date with everyone else. It's not a big deal if you realize that it's not going anywhere with one person and you tell them so. You'll both just move on and get over it. Now I think it's funny that at one point, this was such a foreign idea to me.

7. "You've got a good sub-conscious."

My Grandpa Hammer was everything from a teacher to a military man to a scientist to a hypnotist. Obviously, my brothers and sisters and I were the most intrigued by his history as a hypnotist, so we all let him hypnotize us when he came to visit us and was feeling up to it.

After one time of hypnotizing me, my grandpa said those words and gently tapped my arm, where he always tapped me to get in contact with my subconscious. I was immensely pleased, and since then, I have felt an impressive sense of control over my thoughts.

If you ever have the opportunity to be hypnotized, I highly recommend it. Your brain is capable of so much, and exploring that is a unique and invigorating experience.

8. "No projects."

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is my dad's favorite thing to say. It's the one phrase thing I've heard him say with the most frequency, other than like, "I love you" and "What's for dinner" and "Oh! Girls....Stop it. Now I mean it. Oh.....MELODY!" and stuff like that. It's in reference to boys, and the kind of boys he wants us to date slash marry.

A project is someone who you talk about and you say, "Oh he would be so perfect, if he would just stop smoking," or "control his temper," or "go to church." And then you date them with the intention of being so good and perfect yourself that you can get him to stop smoking, or control his temper, or go to church. Girls sometimes get this "Beauty and the Beast" mindset that has us convinced that the beast we are in love with will miraculously become a prince. But that isn't really true most of the time, and it causes a lot of heartache for girls who believe that they are the exception.

He started pounding it into my head at such an early age that now, I don't even consider dating boys who would be "projects." Sometimes I see my friends dating "projects" and it stresses me out.

Last year in my mission prep class, Brother Bott put a little addendum on this mantra. He said, "We are all works in progress, and we are all going to marry a work in progress. You just have to decide if this person is someone you want to work with as you both try to attain perfection." I think that is quite profound.

9. "Everyone is a potential friend."

This was my sister Nicole's piece of advice that she said when I was about to go to college. It changed my life! I got on the plane and saw potential friends. I got off the plane and saw (30 hot Utah boys and) potential friends. I went to Freshman Orientation, where I met one of my very best friends to this day. My classes were chock-full of potential friends.

I've learned to remind myself of this idea whenever I'm about to embark on a new adventure. Coming to Florida was hard, because I was leaving behind some really good friends, but it was easier, because I just reminded myself that everyone is a potential friend. Since being here, I've made friends with the people I work with. I've become friends with the people in my ward. I've met people on the bus, at the pool, and in the parks who are now my friends (on facebook, at least).

So remember this, whenever you are about to go to a party where you don't know anyone, or you are about to start a new job. Everyone is a potential friend. You never know where a friendship might form when you have this attitude.

Please don't be offended if you didn't see yourself on this list! It's just a short list, and I'm sure it is incomplete. In fact I know it is, because I don't even have anything that my mom said. My point is, you have all influenced me in more ways than I could even begin to enumerate here. Thank you :)

I was Enchanted to Meet You

Sometimes, you do a makeover for a really cute little girl and she tells you you are pretty and she screams in excitement when you finish her makeover, and that makes your day.

And sometimes, you get to take home two bottles of nail polish from the boutique, and that also makes your day.

And sometimes, you find someone to take one of your shifts when your family comes to town, and that really makes your day!

And sommmmetimes, your coordinator delivers a message to you from a certain Prince Charming that you thought for sure you would never ever hear from, thanks to some pesky but well-meaning fairy godmothers, and it is a positive message, and not anything like, "Why are you a psycho?" and your coordinator says that he is smitten with you, and that confuses you a little, but really just makes your day the very most of all :)

That Don't Impress Me Much

Attention boys: I have here a list of things that do not impress me very much. I'm not necessarily trying to speak for all the ladies everywhere, but if you can impress me, there is a large number of other girls who will be similarly impressed. So, without further ado:

Things that Fail to Impress:

1. Staring at me while smoking a cigarette with your pants super-low and your boxers awkwardly hanging out until I look at you, at which point you jut out your chin and smile toothily at me, making me feel really ready for the bus to come.

2. Smoking while wearing anything and looking anywhere, for that matter.

3. Hating on Mormons and BYU within 5 minutes of meeting me, while insisting that you have nothing against Mormons but UNLV has a rivalry with BYU so obviously it makes sense that you have shirts that say F BYU on them.

4. Continuing to dig yourself into a deeper hole by saying that your mom made fun of Mormons but that doesn't mean you have anything against them because your best friend in the world is Mormon and you dated a Mormon girl but she got you in trouble and she wasn't a good Mormon.

5. Telling me that you are Flynn Ryder / Prince Charming / Prince Eric at Disney World and then having me find out from Pocahontas / Mulan / Silver Mist that that was a blatant lie that you were spreading shamelessly all over the ward so more girls would like you. When that's really unnecessary since you're already cute, so getting girls to like you is a non-issue, I would think.

6. Having nothing to say. Ever. But wanting to talk. For long periods of time. (Why? If I had nothing to say, talking would not be fun. I have lots to say, so I love talking. If I had nothing to say, I wouldn't like talking nearly as much.)

7. Telling me you are 18. This one's out of your control. Sorry....I'm just saying.

8. Ten minutes after we meet, telling me that you got kicked out of some police academy for breaking your stepdad's jaw. Really not impressive! Why would you think it would be?

9. Being really cute and then opening your mouth and ruining it by saying nothing intelligent and then sitting in front of me in sacrament meeting and not even paying attention because you are too busy flirting and back-scratching and whispering and.....etc.

Things that DO impress:

1. Magic tricks. With cards.

2. Australian accents.

3. Speaking another language and teaching it to me.

4. Niceness. Like being nice to everyone.

5. Feeding me.

6. Having a motorcycle.

7. Telling me I look like I should be a Disney princess. I don't care that it's cheesy, I will appreciate it!

8. Thinking I am funny.

9. Steak'n'Shake.

A Disappointing Fairytale

Once upon a time, in the land of Orlando, there lived a princess who was one of the happiest girls in all the land. She spent much of her time at the Bibbidi-Bobbidi Boutique, doing hair for younger princesses, visiting the castle, and dreaming of the day that she would meet her Prince Charming. So you see, she was very much like other princesses, except for one thing: her fairy godmother.

Most princesses just have one fairy godmother, but this princess had several. She always had at least two, and sometimes, she had as many as eight or nine. You might think that this made her eight or nine times luckier than the other princesses, but it did not. And you'll see why when you've finished the story.

Every day at the Bibbidi-Bobbidi Boutique, there was a parade for all the princesses in the land. The princess in our story loved the parade, and went whenever she had the opportunity. She loved walking down the sparkly road, waving to and blowing kisses at all the people who came to see her.

One day, while walking with the other princesses in the parade, she saw him: Prince Charming. He was incredibly tall and handsome, with dark blonde hair, blue eyes and dimples. The princess was quite pleased to see him, and blew a kiss in his direction. She hoped that one day, they would meet and fall in love.

After the parade, she told her fairy godmothers all about the handsome prince. They insisted that she go on the parade again the following day so that she could point him out to them. The princess agreed. Perhaps her fairy godmothers could help her figure out how to meet the prince!

The next day, the princess went outside for the parade with all nine of her fairy godmothers, just as they had planned. As they passed the prince, her fairy godmothers knew who he was before she could even say a word. (He was the most handsome prince in the audience.) The princess finished up the parade, confident that afterwards, her fairy godmothers would be full of advice on how to talk to the prince.

However, that is not what happened, because after the parade, as they were getting ready to walk back to the Boutique, all of her fairy godmothers gathered around and insisted that she go up and introduce herself. The princess sighed and shook her head, having nothing to say to the prince and not wanting to meet him until she felt more ready. They walked past the prince without saying a word.

"Ohhh, princess!" her fairy godmothers lamented. "You should have said something. Here. We'll introduce you!"

"Oh, no!" cried the princess. "I'll talk to him another day."

But there were two fairy godmothers who would have none of this, named Gail and Marjorie. They left the group and marched right up to the prince.

"Please, no!" the princess exclaimed. When she saw that they would not be stopped, she turned to walk back to the Boutique, hoping that they wouldn't say anything too embarrassing. (She would find out later that they couldn't have possibly said anything more embarrassing than what they chose to say, which was:

Gail: Are you married?

Prince Charming: No....

Gail: Ok, gooood.

Marjorie: We have a [princess] who really wants to meet you!

Prince Charming: Are you sure you don't mean Brad?

Marjorie: What? No.

Gail: She really wants to meet you!)

As the princess was walking away, she heard her name being called. She had no choice but to turn around.

The prince was standing right next to her fairy godmothers, smiling over at her. "He wants to meet you!" Marjorie shouted.

And with that, the princess' life was over. She died on the spot.

(Almost the end. But it gets worse.)

Struggling to regain her composure, she walked over to the prince and said, "Hi," not knowing what else to say.

He extended his hand and said, "Hi, I'm Dan." As they shook hands and the princess introduced herself, trying to speak normally even though her face was as red as a poisoned apple, all the fairy godmothers suddenly left. And ran away and left. And left her and the prince all alone.

So they had no choice but to have an awkward conversation about where each other was from, where they went to school, and how much they enjoyed the parade and the pleasant Florida weather. And the princess, being completely unprepared and thoroughly embarrassed, had nothing witty or remotely interesting to say. And the prince did not fall in love with her.

And they never saw each other again, from that day forward, because the princess was too humiliated to ever walk in the parade again. And the prince was probably studiously avoiding the parade anyway.

And the princess never ever told her fairy godmothers any more of her hopes and dreams, except her dream of learning Portuguese. Which they were actually quite helpful with.

Pumbas, Parades, and my Prince Charming(s)

I am no longer "earning my ears," as they say, at the Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique. As of Thursday, I have completed my training and am now a real live member of the cast at the Boutique. And I love it.

At the Boutique, we have some words that we use to keep up our Disney demeanor and perpetuate the delusions that everyone comes to Disney World armed with. Here are a few:

castle: break, as in lunch break. "I have to go to the castle now."

dungeon: bathroom. "I need to go to the dungeon, I'll be right back."

fairy godmother in training: me! also known as FGITs (pronounced "fidgets").

guest: customer. But everyone uses this term, all over Disney.

magical: annoying or difficult, as in a customer. "We had some magical parents this morning who were just not happy with anything. Even the grandmother was magical!"

pumbas: lice. Before putting up the girls' hair, we are supposed to casually comb through, checking for "pumbas." If we find them, we are supposed to leave their hair alone, do their makeup and nails, and ask a coworker to go get the "Lion King," or one of the managers. They will come, make sure it's lice, and then talk to the parents and get it all worked out. We don't have to do their hair after finding pumbas. Thank gooooodness.

That's all for the vocabulary lesson today.

Now for the perks of my job!

1. Great coworkers! I don't know all of them but they seem really nice, for the most part. Especially my trainer, Nadira. She has been so good to me this whole week and helped me through everything.

2. The hours. Are really not that bad, especially compared to other jobs. I will never get off later than 10, and most of the time, I won't even have to work past 7 or 8. And never earlier than 8:30.

3. Treasure! If the guests want to, they can put a tip in the wishing well. From there it gets all divided up and we collect our treasure every Thursday. Most of the other jobs here don't get that so I am super excited.

4. The hot chocolate machine. In the break room, there is a hot chocolate slash coffee machine that is freeeeeee! I had 4 hot chocolates during my breaks on my first two days of training. It was heavenly. But, I'm not really sure if this belongs on my list of perks, because on my third day of training, one of the FGIT's told me that they found a cockroach in the machine a few months ago. I haven't been able to swallow any more hot chocolate since hearing this horrible news.

5. The cute costumes. I hated them at first, but now I actually think they are really cute! I'll put up a picture soon.

6. The princess parade! Every day at 2, we gather up all the little princesses around Downtown Disney, where the Boutique is, and walk with them up to the carousel. We wave like princesses and blow kisses at all the shopkeepers, who come out to wave and blow bubbles at us. It is my favorite part of every work day. Especially because of perk #7.

7. Prince Charming. I do not know his real name, but he works at Downtown Disney and waves at us with a Mickey glove on his right hand, so I know he is single. He wears real people clothes, not a costume, so I know he is a manager, which means he is intelligent and a good worker and a leader. I see him talking and joking with the custodians, so I also know he is approachable, not stuck-up, and easy-going. He is tall and has dimples and one day, I will talk to him. Or he will talk to me. All I'm saying is, I am in love with him.

The title of this post says "Prince Charming(s)" because I am not really trying to limit myself to the mysterious man I see when I walk in the parade. One of my friends is a character attendant and has kindly offered to arrange a backstage makeout with Aladdin for me. I really am in no position to refuse.

Unless he is gay, which, sadly, is quite possible. Then I think it will be best if I just leave him to Jasmine.