Sneaking: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Sneaking can be good. Like when Sydney Bristow does it.

That is good because it saves people, like Marshall, or Weiss is Nice. Sydney Bristow sneaking is also good because she brings this guy along:

and let's be real, no one in the history of ever has ever complained about that. 

Sneaking is good when you sneakily say you won't be getting back from a trip until way late Sunday night, and then you show up way early on Sunday night, and there is much rejoicing in the land.

Sneaking is also good when you sneakily leave B-Dubbs on a boy's car so he knows that you like him. (Don't do this if you don't want to blow your cover.)

Sorry for the crappy quality of this picture, but we can't all have smart phones. Also, we can't all wait until the sun comes up before we go off to work. :/

Sneaking is good when you sneakily make your roommate's bed just in time for cleaning checks.

Sneaking is good when you anonymously send flowers.

Sneaking is good when your students set up traps to catch a leprechaun and he someone manages to sneak through all of them and escape unharmed, taking the gold coins with him.

Why is that good, you ask? Because said leprechaun is a nice leprechaun who left us a note....

.....and some Lucky Charms under the teacher's seat.

So yes, sneaking can definitely be good. But then there are some times when sneaking is bad.

Like when you sneakily put yourself into Francie's body so that you can be Fake Francie and pretend like you're Real Francie so that maybe one day you can sneakily kill Sydney Bristow, who is Real Francie's roommate.

I mean honestly, whatabee.

Sneaking is also bad when you go rockclimbing on a night when UVU students get in for $5. And when they ask, "So you're both UVU students, right?" you sneakily glaze your eyes and look around and let The Boy answer, since you are not a UVU student, but he is, so no one has to lie if you just don't say anything.

Why is that bad, you may ask? Because they might let you both in for the UVU student price, but karma is real, kids. And you might have a great time rock climbing for $5, but give it a week and you might find yourself walking around trying to hold hands with a bear paw, because The Boy might have broken his pinky playing dodgeball. And this might make it so you can't go rock climbing for at least 3 months. By which time $5 nights for UVU students will probably be a thing of the past. Don't try to tell me these things are unrelated. I've learned my lesson. I am 'umbled.

Sneaking is also bad when there's a paper airplane making and throwing contest during halftime at the UVU basketball game, and your paper airplane sneaks in under my paper airplane and is just a little bit more on the target than mine was, so I do not win a 5-day vacation to Disney Land as planned.



She's cute, right? And her parents are good. Sneakers. But we can't all cry like that because we're going to Disneyland. Some people cry like that because they are not going to Disneyland. And some people just want to....

Sneaking a kiss is an example of good sneakiness, (depending on the boy, obviously) but not when he sneaks a kiss by sneakily revealing that he has some juicy bit of information that he is withholding and then saying, "I'm not going to tell you until you kiss me. You have to kiss me first." Because then your curiosity is going to take over, and you are going to have to kiss him. And only then will you find out that his mouth has had things in it that you never wanted your mouth to be exposed to. Like his roommate's toe.

Bad sneakiness is bad. But you want to know when it gets ugly? When you sneakily call the bishop to tattle on your roommates.

Not saying that I know anyone who would do that. Just saying. I imagine that it would get ugly if someone did. 

I'll leave you with this, one of my favorite examples of sneakiness:



May we always land on our feet. Happy sneaking!

Awkward Turtle

Life can get a little awkward when……….

- You go to an elementary school (where you are supposed to be a teacher) and happen to be wearing the same skirt as one of the students.

-Someone asks how you and this boy know each other and the boy in question quickly replies “We flirt in church.”

-You go to buy a car and learn all about the dealer, including, but not limited to: his conversion to the church, the story of his move from Iran to America, how many kids are in his family, the life story of his favorite son, the story of the time he switched careers from making crowns and bridges for teeth to selling cars, his political leanings…..

-You can’t even bring yourself to smile at the people working at FedEx because that place is a joke and you feel a little bit like they are waxing your nostrils with duct tape because of how much everything costs.

-Sooomebody has to stand up and say how great of a game kissing rugby is, and no one else steps up to the plate, so it ends up being you. And then you’re that girl.

-You tell a few people that you are considering going back to your old ward this upcoming Sunday, and every last one of them responds: “Oh, there are no cute boys in your new ward?”

-And you have to admit that no, there are not.


-You have a dream that you are serving a mission and your mission president's wife is giving a presentation to welcome you to the mission, and she announces that Matt Damon is in the boundaries of the mission, and he loves the missionaries, so feel free to get rides with him whenever, but don't kiss him. She goes on, "It is soooo hard not to kiss him. But don't do it. My gosh. It's, like really hard." And then all the other sister missionaries turn to you and nod and confirm that it is so hard not to kiss him. 

-Also, Arie was supposed to be going to your mission, too, but he broke his leg right before. So that's a bummer. 

-You have to tell a dealer that you don’t want their car, and you find yourself channeling your inner Emily Maynard in the hopes that you will be able to break up with the dealer as gracefully as she broke up with 24 guys.

-You call your mom every day at the same time to ask her to get you un-lost again.

-You seriously consider going to the dollar theater to watch “The Lucky One” by yourself, since your Zac Efron fan friend is currently in a different state and your other friends expressed specific disdain for the fact that he won some Teen Choice Awards.

But for real, how could you find fault with this?

-You watch Toddlers and Tiaras and it has the opposite of the intended effect on you. As in, you watch it and kind of want to put your children in pageants….

-Someone txts you "Be there in a sex."

-The next day, someone else txts you "Ok, see you in a sex."

-Both someones are immediately horrified and correct themselves. Both someones get a txt from you that says, "I'm sexcited!" because you are convinced that it wasn't only funny the first time and that this is a joke that is okay to repeat with different audiences.

-You fill out a damage sheet for the apartment you just moved into, which is the same apartment you painted 2 years ago, and in the spot where it asks about whether the walls are white or painted, you not only list the colors of all the walls but also compliment them.

-You go to buy 50 composition notebooks, 25 pencil boxes, 25 highlighters, 50 colored pens, 30 dry erase markers, 25 desk name tags, 50 boxes of crayons, 60 erasers, 48 glue sticks, and 100 folders at Walmart, and the cashier asks: "Are you a teacher?"

-And you respond, "No, I just have a lot of kids." 

-And for a second, he looks like he believes you.

-You txt a friend and accidentally ask what time "Capture the Fag" is going to start.

-You meet the worst boy ever at the pool, and he is the really persistent kind who keeps trying to talk to you and your friends, despite your blatantly rude body language that clearly says "don't talk to me, in fact would you please go crawl into a hole because that's how annoying you are...."

-You go to a baseball game and are told by the little girl sitting in front of you “Okay, I won’t lick your legs. But they sure do look tasty!”

-You go to the bank to deposit a check like an adult and the banker goes to shake your hand and asks what your name is, and you have to shift everything you're holding to the other hand and pull the lollipop out of your mouth to answer, and you realize that no amount of check-depositing will truly make you into an adult. 

-You and your sister make cupcakes for a friend for her birthday. They are the best cupcakes ever. Then, you don't know where she lives, so you just eat a couple while you wait on getting her address.

-On a possibly related note, you learn, through personal experience, that it is indeed possible to eat 18 cupcakes in 5 days. By yourself. 

And finally, it can get a little awkward when all the things on this list are actually the little things that make your life really enjoyable :)

The charmed life

sometimes involves.....

- waking up, going outside, picking raspberries and blackberries, and eating them with your cereal.

- breaking world records in all Track and Field events after 2 hours of playing Kinect Sports with your sister.

- tackling your siblings in a concerted effort to get stronger.

- becoming addicted to the Big Bang Theory, simply because there is so much time around here.

- eating all the caramel in the world. Literally. ALL THE CARAMEL.

- saying, "Julie! / Joseph! / Jacob! / Sarah! How come.....you're so cute?" every time I see one of those cute people.

- becoming a pro at shooting a basketball backwards.

- narrowly avoiding vicious scams by people who don't live charmed lives like stupid Patricia J. Hall.

- listening to this song on a loop:

  

- following up every family prayer with 12 push-ups and 21 crunches (or however old you are).

- trying to tackle your brother only to bang your head on the wall.

- wondering, "but why is the jam gone?"

- laughing hysterically because Pluto isn't technically a planet.

- blasting this song every time it is on the radio and singing along with Baby Sister:

 

- going to Rita's whenever I feel like it, because it is just like 5 minutes away instead of 2000 miles away like it is when I'm in Utah....

- having friends over who cover your brother's eyes when an inappropriate part comes on in the movie you're watching.

- having brothers who cover your friend's eyes when an inappropriate part comes on in the movie you're watching.

- phrases like "Screw you, Tower of Babel!" coming up in scripture study.

- spending a morning watching Steve Irwin videos on YouTube with Baby Sister.

- stacking up significant fines on your library card and feeling really embarrassed about that since they just waived $18.40 in fines from the last time you checked something out (February of 2011).

- lunching with the Padre.

- hacking into my grandma's Facebook. getting nice posts on Facebook clearly written by my grandma who loves me.

What a Doll

It's not a big deal if you cry while watching The Bachelorette.

Three times.

Or more.

It's also not a big deal if you finish watching The Bachelorette and you are suddenly obsessed with Dolly Parton and you feel sad that you never realized before how great she is. Better late than never!

This is Dolly with her husband. They are in love and have been for 47 years. Forty-seven years! That is a long time for anyone, but especially for someone as famous as Dolly Parton. They met at a laundromat. The first words he said to her were: "You're gonna get sunburnt out there, little lady!"

She wrote this song about him:

  

I think it's okay if something as silly as The Bachelorette is what makes you believe in love. Or someone as old and sparkly as Dolly Parton. Or someone as beautiful as him:

It's important to believe in love! Even if it's cheesy. What makes you believe?

The Price is Right

California is the home of many famous people. One of those people is named Drew Carey, and he is famous because he hosts TV shows. One of those TV shows is "The Price is Right." If you've never seen it, it's a show where all these people win cars and BBQ grills and tons of money. I need a car for next semester, so this was my plan for how to get one. 

Unfortunately, cars are never free, even when you win one on TV. Even when Oprah gives one to everyone in the audience. Our chance at winning a car cost us our sleep. 

Kimmy and Tyler got to California at about midnight, and we looked up information on the show. Everyone online advised us to be in line at the studio by at least 4. They insisted that anyone who showed up any later hadn't even gotten in the studio. The line was around the block by 3. If we didn't get in line by 2, we would be fed to crocodiles for our tardiness. Etc.

We took turns taking naps and showering and getting ready. Then, at 4:30, we drove to the studio.

There were three people in line. I know, I know. It is shocking that everything on the internet is not 100% accurate. Weird.

We got in line behind the.....crazed mob.....set up our lawn chairs, and started taking pictures.

For some reason, I didn't feel tired enough to sleep. So I just sat there and chatted and txtd and watched the sun rise and got all excited about winning my car. (*Side note - the whole time we were getting ready and sitting and waiting, I thought it was really funny to keep saying, "You get a car! You get a car! And you get a car!" like Oprah. Do you think that's funny? Cuz I did.)

The rest of the morning is a little bit of a blur, but includes the following:

-Entering the girls bathroom and encountering a grown man who was....waiting for his mom?

-And leaving. And waiting for him to leave before re-entering. 

-Getting interviewed by Sexy-man Stan, the producer. His picture is below. 

                            

Our interview went something like this:

Stan: Hi, Heather. How are you doing?

Me: !!!!! Oh! Good, how are you? (smiling like a crazy person....)

Stan: Good, good. And what is it you do?

Me: I teach! I'm a student! I go to....I....okay. Ha sorry! I'm a student at BYU, but I'm going to be a 2nd grade teacher in August. 

Stan: Okay, so you're not teaching til August, that means you have lots of time to watch The Price is Right?

Me: Oh! Yeah! I do!

Stan: Yeah? 

Me: Yeah!

Stan: What's your favorite game on the show?

Me: (I have never seen a single episode.) Plinko! (I barely heard this word mere hours before my interview....)

Stan: Oh yeah, what do you like about it?

Me: (I have heard about it?) I just like it, it's so fun to say. Plinko! You know? 

Stan: Yeah, what's not to like about a game where you don't have to do anything but drop something and hope you win, right?

Me: Yeah!

Stan: Okay, well maybe we'll get you up on the show for some Plinko-playing. 

Me: That would be great!

Stan: (on the next person). 

Our morning also included:

-Sharing a $10 hamburger and fries. We called it our entrance fee and felt a little better, since getting into the show was free. 

-Having a huge back-scratching fest and napping all over each other before being let into the studio. 

-Laughing at the guys sitting across from us who were obviously impressed and a little baffled by Steve's steeze, as he was the token male in a group of 3 girls and it looked like all of them constantly wanted him to sit by them / talk to them / scratch their backs....

-Getting my scissors confiscated until the end of the show.

H: Winnie was the mom in Las Vegas

Ch: I was the mom at Disney

H: I can be the mom at the beach!

S: Who's your daddy??

-Seeing the studio in real life and almost dying because it was so dang cute. 

-Needing to pee. Sooooo, frick-innn, ba-ad. 

-Dancing around to YMCA, Dynamite, All I do is Win, and other wonderful songs to get us pumped about winning. 

-Being sat in the FRONT ROW, right behind the contestant pulpits, what's uppp!?

-Sitting 5 feet away from this guy (below)

-Discovering that that guy is kind of rude in real life....and feeling a little less dazzled. 

-Kind of falling in love with this guy:

He is the announcer guy. He was wearing a white suit with a pink shirt and looked so fly, and was way nicer than Drew!

**IMPORTANT!!! If you want to see me on TV, or my friends, or that guy in the picture above who I kind of fell in love with, our show will be airing on MAY 10th, 2012. And our faces will be all up on your screen. And you will feel a little more famous, because you know me. And I'm not sure, but you might see me smack a stranger's butt. But the details are a little fuzzy. So maybe that didn't happen. There's only one way to find out!**

To continue, the afternoon included:

-Walking dazedly out of the studio and into the sunlight. 

-Somehow making our way back to the car and back to Steve's house. 

-Napping on a merry-go-round bed: as soon as one person was done showering, they woke up the next person and took their spot on the bed. 

-Going to Universal City Walk for dinner at Bucca di Beppo and eating the best meal any of us has ever experienced! 

-Leaving Bucca di Beppo to run around City Walk and take the following pictures:

pregnant.....

The boys were actually really good at humoring us with these pictures. They just kept taking them and throwing out suggestions and encouragement. And the picture above was taken through someone's legs....so you know that is real commitment to a craft.

The roads in La Canda are pretty windy and curvy, and because of that, conversations like this happen:

W: Steve, are you taking us to a lookout point?

S: Oh! Do you guys want to go to one?

C: YES!

W: I can't believe Steve's taking us all to a lookout point right now. 

H: Yeah, I feel like we need some sort of initiation ceremony....

Ch: Ahhh! (scrabbling at the car door handle, trying to get out)

H: How do you know about this lookout point?

W: Yeah, how many girls have you kissed up here?

S: Actually, I don't think I've.....ever kissed a girl up here. (Totally unconcerned)

Later, while we're at the lookout point....

C: Okay, Steve. If you really want to say you've kissed someone up here, you can kiss me on the cheek. 

S: I'm alright.....

(Everyone dying of laughter as we get back in the car)

S: Do you want to go up higher?

H: Oh yeah, Christine might make out with you if we go any higher!

In conclusion, it was a lovely lookout point. And we all kept our spit to ourselves. 

Vegas Virgin No Longer

Last week, I was a Vegas Virgin. Now, I can no longer say that.

Sunday morning was a bit of a stress-fest with keys getting lost and plans being delayed a few hours, but we eventually got ourselves on the road and set off! 

Our fearless driver!

Do you wanna kick it in the backseat?

I made mix CD's for the trip. Not gonna lie, it kind of gave me anxiety as I was making them and every single song was chosen with the utmost care. I tried to imagine all of my friends laughing and singing along enthusiastically as if we were in some 50's convertible car commercial, and if I couldn't picture it, the song didn't make the cut. The result is some pretty rock-awesome mixes, you guys. 

We made it to Vegas just in time for dinner at Steve's sister's house. She has literally 2 of the cutest kids I have ever seen, ever, so we hung out there for a little bit, and then got ready to hit the strip, just to look around at night. 

Tony Stark stood in front of this very statue. The beginning of our fame?

Vegas is an interesting place on a Sunday night. The crowds are thinner and more hungover than on a Friday or Saturday, but the signs are just as vibrant and demanding. Everywhere, something is flashing in your face. There's always a bigger, brighter, or flashier sign. There's always a bigger jackpot. (There's always a bigger crackpot.) Smoke trails around you, unintentionally symbolizing the way money and dreams and clothes disappear so quickly around here. 

Despite all the smoke and glazed expressions, I did enjoy the following about Vegas at night:

*the lights

*the awesome spray-painter guy

*the statues

*the Bellagio fountains

Vegas is also an interesting place on a Monday morning! Winnie, Christine and I took our sweet time getting ready, which was too bad for Steve, whose nephew woke him up at 7 with a freezer pack to the face. 

We had Earl of Sandwich for breakfast / lunch, and that was one of the best decisions ever made in Vegas! 

Then we went to the penny slots. You have to put in $1 but then you can play a ton! At least I think you can....I didn't really understand the game, but I got $1.57. I took that little voucher and went to the next penny slot machine.  

And thatttt machine paid for my Earl of Sandwich! And gave me an extra $9 besides! Which I did not even mind. Thank you, Las Vegas. I knew I liked you. 

Vegas has a lot more to offer, too. We got an exclusive demonstration of how different sodas are made upstairs in the Coca Cola store, and also tasted sodas from all around the world. Some were delicus. Some were egregious. I guess you could say the same about a lot of things. 

We also found a free 10-minute 3D movie at the M&M store!

Palm trees are basically my favorite plant in the world, and there was an abundance of them in Vegas. Did you know that each palm tree costs $300? Sometimes I like to count them and figure out how much a specific street corner cost somebody. Maybe it was paid for by the people who played the penny slots and lost?

We bid farewell to the sparkling city and continued on our way to the Golden State: California!

Peggy-Sue was the first person to welcome us. We saw about a million signs advertising this cute little 50's diner and HAD to go! 

The second person to welcome us to Cali was a Finnish movie star. Actually, there were three of them! And they picked the booth right behind us to shoot their oh-so-famous gonna-be-a-big-fat-hit documentary of Peggy-Sue's Diner. Steve talked to them as if they were normal people. I stared at them as if they were movie stars. And I might have spent my meal leaning really far back, trying to get in as many shots as possible. 

We rolled into Steve's neighborhood in La Canada (pronounced The Canada, if you're a real local of the area) late at night, under a thick cover of some weird fog conjured up by Winnie's wish for a world full of clouds. 

You may not understand the following list of quotes, but try to enjoy them anyway:

"I feel like I'm in Seattle right now, where it rains 367 days out of the year. 

.....because there are 367 days in the year. Because it rains so much, that they get an extra 2 days in the year. 4 days? 3?"

"I just want some cream to rub on my....areas."

"You have to shower. What if someone sees you on TV, in hi-def, and they're like, daaaaang!"

S: You would pick that magazine. 

H: I picked it because it's political! And I'm intelligent.

S: You picked it because of the boobs. You have been all about boobs this weekend!

W: I guess you just always notice what you don't have?

"We need to just, stop having each other's backs."

"I'm gonna staple your face."

Obviously, it was a wonderful time :)

I'm a Happy Girl

Today, I was walking along, just heading back home in the rain after taking my finals. A boy I have never seen before was walking towards me. When we got close to each other, he said:

"You look really happy right now."

I didn't really know what to say, so I just said: "Thanks!"

Why did I look so happy? I don't actually know, but here are some possibilities.

I was wearing these. My mom gave me these boots. And I am FEARLESS when I see puddles and I am wearing these boots!

This week is finals week. I actually love finals week.....no one believes me when I tell them this, but believe you me: I love finals week. And this page is really funny and accurate.

In 2 days, these cute people will be coming to see me.

In 6 days, I will be waking up here.

In 7 days, I will be on this show.

In 8 days, I will be here.

In 9 days, I may run into this guy.....

.....this girl......

....him.....

......or her. Since I'll be walking all up on their streets.

In 10 days, I will be here.

Okay, I guess I know why I looked so happy.