Og-scuse Me??

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from doing EFY this summer, it is that getting to EFY to start off the week is always much more trouble than it should be.

You may remember the lovely adventure I had getting to Cincinnati. Here’s how this week started off:

Sunday

1:00 I go to my Singletree ward, which I love.

4:15 I leave said Singletree ward. I hurry home to pack, cram a donut down my throat, and look up directions to the Institute building in South Jordan (where I am contracted to work this week).

5:00 I leave my apartment with one suitcase, my scripture bag, my makeup bag, my shower bag, my school bag, and my purse. (I’m really good at making the right amount of pasta for any occasion / recipe / appetite. I’m not as good at packing the right amount of clothes / jewelry / hair flowers / shoes / knickknacks / crafting utensils for any trip that will take me away from my house for longer than 3 hours.)

6:00 I arrive at the Institute building in South Jordan. I meet a few people and sit through the meeting.

7:00 The coordinators in charge of the session call me out. They tell me they hate me and to leave immediately and never come back.

7:00 Okay actually that’s not what they said. They just said that they need one more counselor in Ogden and would I be willing to go? I said I could if they could get housing for me.

7:15 I leave Jordan and drive all the way to Ogden. I might have gotten lost once or twice five times. Just for a second.

8:15ish I arrive in Ogden. I get passed around from group to group until I finally find my BC group. They smile nicely at me. I get all the papers I need. I meet the girl I am going to be staying with this week. We smile nicely at each other. She asks me if I would be okay with just sleeping on a couch, and also told me that she is babysitting a turtle this summer, but she broke the tank, and it’s an aquatic turtle, so it is currently swimming around in her bathtub….so we’re going to have to use my downstairs neighbor’s bathroom for showering.

You can imagine how all of this made me feel.

But then, listen, guys. I followed her in my car to her house. And it is literally a 2 minute drive. And it is the cutest house. And the couch is huge, like the size of a twin bed. And she fed me chicken and real-people salad. And she has a puppy which is the cutest thing ever. And her downstairs neighbors are actually just downstairs roommates, so it’s not like I have to walk outside and go in someone else’s house to use the shower. And their shower is nicer than mine is at Raintree.

And I’m happy to be here. 

Awkward Turtle

Life can get a little awkward when……….

- You go to an elementary school (where you are supposed to be a teacher) and happen to be wearing the same skirt as one of the students.

-Someone asks how you and this boy know each other and the boy in question quickly replies “We flirt in church.”

-You go to buy a car and learn all about the dealer, including, but not limited to: his conversion to the church, the story of his move from Iran to America, how many kids are in his family, the life story of his favorite son, the story of the time he switched careers from making crowns and bridges for teeth to selling cars, his political leanings…..

-You can’t even bring yourself to smile at the people working at FedEx because that place is a joke and you feel a little bit like they are waxing your nostrils with duct tape because of how much everything costs.

-Sooomebody has to stand up and say how great of a game kissing rugby is, and no one else steps up to the plate, so it ends up being you. And then you’re that girl.

-You tell a few people that you are considering going back to your old ward this upcoming Sunday, and every last one of them responds: “Oh, there are no cute boys in your new ward?”

-And you have to admit that no, there are not.


-You have a dream that you are serving a mission and your mission president's wife is giving a presentation to welcome you to the mission, and she announces that Matt Damon is in the boundaries of the mission, and he loves the missionaries, so feel free to get rides with him whenever, but don't kiss him. She goes on, "It is soooo hard not to kiss him. But don't do it. My gosh. It's, like really hard." And then all the other sister missionaries turn to you and nod and confirm that it is so hard not to kiss him. 

-Also, Arie was supposed to be going to your mission, too, but he broke his leg right before. So that's a bummer. 

-You have to tell a dealer that you don’t want their car, and you find yourself channeling your inner Emily Maynard in the hopes that you will be able to break up with the dealer as gracefully as she broke up with 24 guys.

-You call your mom every day at the same time to ask her to get you un-lost again.

-You seriously consider going to the dollar theater to watch “The Lucky One” by yourself, since your Zac Efron fan friend is currently in a different state and your other friends expressed specific disdain for the fact that he won some Teen Choice Awards.

But for real, how could you find fault with this?

-You watch Toddlers and Tiaras and it has the opposite of the intended effect on you. As in, you watch it and kind of want to put your children in pageants….

-Someone txts you "Be there in a sex."

-The next day, someone else txts you "Ok, see you in a sex."

-Both someones are immediately horrified and correct themselves. Both someones get a txt from you that says, "I'm sexcited!" because you are convinced that it wasn't only funny the first time and that this is a joke that is okay to repeat with different audiences.

-You fill out a damage sheet for the apartment you just moved into, which is the same apartment you painted 2 years ago, and in the spot where it asks about whether the walls are white or painted, you not only list the colors of all the walls but also compliment them.

-You go to buy 50 composition notebooks, 25 pencil boxes, 25 highlighters, 50 colored pens, 30 dry erase markers, 25 desk name tags, 50 boxes of crayons, 60 erasers, 48 glue sticks, and 100 folders at Walmart, and the cashier asks: "Are you a teacher?"

-And you respond, "No, I just have a lot of kids." 

-And for a second, he looks like he believes you.

-You txt a friend and accidentally ask what time "Capture the Fag" is going to start.

-You meet the worst boy ever at the pool, and he is the really persistent kind who keeps trying to talk to you and your friends, despite your blatantly rude body language that clearly says "don't talk to me, in fact would you please go crawl into a hole because that's how annoying you are...."

-You go to a baseball game and are told by the little girl sitting in front of you “Okay, I won’t lick your legs. But they sure do look tasty!”

-You go to the bank to deposit a check like an adult and the banker goes to shake your hand and asks what your name is, and you have to shift everything you're holding to the other hand and pull the lollipop out of your mouth to answer, and you realize that no amount of check-depositing will truly make you into an adult. 

-You and your sister make cupcakes for a friend for her birthday. They are the best cupcakes ever. Then, you don't know where she lives, so you just eat a couple while you wait on getting her address.

-On a possibly related note, you learn, through personal experience, that it is indeed possible to eat 18 cupcakes in 5 days. By yourself. 

And finally, it can get a little awkward when all the things on this list are actually the little things that make your life really enjoyable :)

Keep Calm and Pioneer On

Last night, while hanging out with some friends - and by "hanging out," I mean "pinteresting" with some friends - we started discussing our plans for today.

And when I say "we started discussing our plans for today," I mean "I started trying to discuss plans and my friends laughed me to scorn and continued Pinteresting."

Our conversation went as follows:

C: I don't have work tomorrow! Let's do something fun. 

K: Me neither. 

Me: Oh good! What should we do?

C&K become engrossed in Pinterest.

I become engrossed in Pinterest.

I think it was right now in the conversation that W turned her computer around to show us a movie trailer.

No longer engrossed in Pinterest after watching that, I remembered our conversation. 

Me: Maybe we can lay out at my pool. 

K: *Snort*

Me: We always meet the best people there....

Just a few days ago, K, W, and I met THE WORST BOY at my pool. So with this reminder, we all become engrossed in some healthy Facebook stalking. 

Me: So for tomorrow....aren't there any parades or anything?

C: Not in Provo, they mostly just celebrate in Salt Lake. 

We become engrossed in Pinterest once again. W turns her computer around to show us this SNL skit.

About 30 minutes / pins later.....

Me: Maybe we should make butter. 

W: .....What?

Me: You know, cuz it's Pioneer Day....so we can make like bread and butter....

K: Okay, bread I can understand, we can make bread. Butter?

Me: Yeah, cuz you have to roll it? You know, in a jar, like the pioneers.

C: Maybe we'll just think of an idea tomorrow. We don't have to plan right now. 

So now I am taking my ideas to my blog instead! Because they are good ideas!

1. Make butter

2. Make ice cream

3. Make bread

4. Braid my hairs

5. Say "This is the place" whenever I arrive anywhere

6. Participate in a stick pulling contest

7. Attend a rodeo?!

8. Go shooting

9. Go car-shopping

10. Go for a walk

11. Lay out at the pool

12. Listen to this talk.

Hope your Pioneer Day is full of just as many good ideas as mine is :) 

PS: I hit myself in the face yesterday. With a cabinet door. It was a sad thing for me to go through. 

Casanova Car

It's a different girl who walks into the saloon state of Ohio only two days later. Her spurs don't click defiantly; they scuff along half-heartedly. She slides into a stool at the bar. There's no gun-slinging today, no threats to the bartender. He eyes her warily.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

She blinks up at him, eyes big and wet. "I...." She shakes her head. "Oatmeal?"

Bartender's mouth pinches over to one side. He rummages, then sets a bottle on the counter and slides it over to Girl.

Girl looks at the bottle, eyes dull.

"I've seen bad," Bartender says, by way of explanation. "I know when people need something stronger than oatmeal."

He turns away, to give her time with the bottle.

"It was morning," she whispers.

Bartender looks back. "I'm sorry?"

"Morning. When he left." She's staring off, looking listlessly at nothing. Her finger traces a squiggly line on the bottle.

Bartender casts a longing gaze at the swinging doors, hoping someone will come in and spare him from this conversation. Girl doesn't notice his look.

"I loved him. You know?" she continues. "I know it was only 2 days. But I thought he was different. I really thought it was going to be me and him, forever. Just me and Lerone."

The grizzled man next to Girl leans over, sloshing his drink as he does. "Only the good die young," he offers hopefully, and lets out a huge belch.

"He didn't die," Girl murmurs.  She opens the bottle and takes a long drink.

"He lied."

Goodbye, Lerone. And screw you! Emily made the right choice when she cut you without a single rose.

"Eventually!" Freaks Yelp

The whole week at EFY is super spiritchal, but Thursday is the spiritchal day. *Note: I do know how to spell spiritual, but because of this lady, I always think it's funner to spell it like "spiritchal."*

Anyway, Thursday was full of wonderful things. We went to classes, had a "Living Christ" activity, and learned about what a testimony is. I think my favorite class was Brother Huso's. The Husos the session-directing couple and I want to be just like them when I grow up. 

They are the quintessential Mormon couple; she is tan, blonde, and teeny, he's tan, muscular, and kind-smiley. They both have perfect teeth and do things like hold hands in the hall and fall asleep on each other during the variety show. He runs Iron Man competitions and is a high school principal, seminary teacher, bishop, and swimming enthusiast. She stays at home with their 5 (obviously beautiful) kids, runs marathons, and is an adorable session director's wife. I could go on. 

This is the Husos with one of my girls :)

So as I was saying about Brother Huso's class: on Wednesday, he came around and asked all the counselors what their group needed to hear, and what he should talk about. He started off by showing our answers, and almost every single counselor said something about how their girls needed to know that they are beautiful and awesome and have self-worth and blablabla. 

Then he showed a picture of the Mesa, Arizona temple. 

"So, we're from Arizona," he said. "And this is our temple. And I hate our temple." There were a few gasps and some nervous laughter. "Look at it," he went on. "It's so dumb. Who designed that? It's all boxy...." He clicked to the next slide.

"At least we don't have to go to the Provo temple though. I mean, is this temple a joke? It looks like a cupcake. And that steeple.  I don't know what the designers were thinking." Click.

"I wish I was from San Diego," he sighed. "They have a beautiful temple. Look at it. It looks like a castle. Wooooow. Now that is a temple." Click.

"Salt Lake has a pretty temple, too," he continued. "People come from all over to see this temple. No one comes from all over to see - " clickclickclick " - this temple."

He turned to the girls. "How many of you wanted to punch me when I was talking about my Arizona temple that way?" Lots of girls laughed and raised their hands. "Good!" he said. "How do you think Heavenly Father feels when you talk about yourselves that way? What do you think God cares about more: bricks, or flesh and blood?" 

During this class, he also shared txts that he had the boys send in with a message that they wanted to give to the girls. Most of them consisted of the words "You don't know you're beautiful!" (very original) or "You are beautiful daughters of God!" 

But one or two said things like, "Sarah, this is Jake, and you're my COW! Here's my number. Txt me!"

And you know I teased Counselor Sarah about that. 

Thursday was also Variety Show Day. My group had the final act and it was awe-some! If you are my friend on facebook, I thinkkk you can see it with this link.

If not, I'm sorry. Trust me that it was awesome. And know that I didn't learn the dance, since every time they practiced it was when I was doing variety show tryouts, but I got really excited when they were doing it, so I just danced along in the back. And I reminded myself of Regina George's mom. 

  

Friday was also full of wonderful things. Such as.....

Finishing our morning devotional and opening the door to see this sign (above) that the boys in my company made for my girls. All together now: awwwwww :)

Hanging out with my broder. Who is so spiritchal and awesome and taller than me?? Yeah I'm still trying to get over that one. 

Taking pictures as a company. This is me with the boys who made that wonderful sign, and shared their soda, and asked me to interpret their dreams every mealtime. 

Being secretly photographed every time Dalin and I sat next to each other. 

Or planned Devotional together. 

Or walked around together. 

Or ate together. 

Sometimes the pictures were taken through the leaves of potted plants.

Dalin often begged my girls to take more pictures of us together. He was loving the attention. 

And thus ended a wonderful week in Cincinnati.

Elephants Freakishly Yawn

On Wednesday, EFY could have stood for "Especially For Yum" because I ate the yummiest food ever on that day. The cafeteria workers at Xavier could not have been more welcoming and sweet to us the whole time we were there. They called us "baby" and "honey bun" and heaped gourmet food onto our plates as we scooted on through the lines.

On Wednesday, I was on Variety Show tryouts duty with counselors Chris and James. I loved this job because

- I got to see everyone try out. 

- The youth were all so cute and confident, all ready to go with their talents. 

- I got to be Paula, leaving Chris to be Randy and James to be Simon. 

I hated this job because

- There were like 45 acts that tried out and only 15 spots. 

- In my role as Paula Because I am an elementary school teacher, I hated the thought of rejecting any of these acts. Besides this one really bizarre act that just made me uncomfortable. It didn't hurt my feelings too bad when they didn't make it. 

- We were trying people out from the beginning of free time to the end of dinnertime. That is four hours, my friend. 

Thankfully, the cafeteria workers were so nice and let us come eat dinner there anyway. 

The next part of "Yum" happened at Pizza Night. I ordered pizza, but I forgot to get soda. Actually I didn't forget. I just got flustered. Dalin was on the phone and put it down for a second and said, "Do you need soda?" And I hadn't asked my girls if they wanted soda, and I knew if I said yes then he would ask what kind, and I just didn't think I could handle that, so I said no. 

Then, of course, my girls had to ask if I had gotten soda. I told them no. They had a riot. I ran to the boys' floor, hoping Dalin would rescue us. He wasn't there yet, so I stood in the hallway, talking to the boys in my company. Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hi! Did you guys get soda?

Them: We don't know, Dalin's not back yet. 

Me: Oh, hmmm. That's okay. 

Them: .....Did you get soda?

Me: No! It's all my fault, I forgot to order it. 

Them: Oh man! 

Me: Yeah. My girls are about to stage a mutiny. 

Them: ......

Me: .....Yeppp. 

Them: Oh man. 

Me: I think Dalin did get soda. 

Them: Hmmm, maybe he did. 

Me: Oh that's so cool!

Them: ......

Me: Okay to be honest, I'm just hoping that if I stand here long enough, and tell that story enough times, then you will offer my girls some of your soda....

Them: Oh! You can have our soda! 

Me: Oh my gosh, really?? That is so nice! Okay maybe like, if he got 3 things of soda, we can have one. 

Them: Okay no how about, if he got 3 things, you can have two of them. 

Um?! Are these boys not the sweetest ever? They only requested hugs from all the girls. I enthusiastically promised them this. 

Pizza Night is fun because you get to talk about COW's (Crush Of the Week) and sing girly songs and there are no boys allowed. Unless they are dropping off soda for you :) Then they are totally allowed. And it's fun because pizza is delicious and girl talk is fun and sometimes your girls accidentally all start singing, as loudly as they can, a song about two specific counselors sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, and as we all know, that is the sign of a good party. 

Every Friend Yodels

Last week, I had the opportunity to be an EFY (Especially For Youth) counselor in Ohio. Don't ask me how I got this assignment. I know I'm from Maryland. I'm not really sure how it happened.

But since this was the job I was offered, I said okay and made plans to travel with my dad and brother, both of whom I love, and Lerone, who I do not love, to Cincinnati. Undeterred and only slightly discouraged by a series of dumb unfortunate events, in which

Lerone died 

and I cried 

and my dad sighed

and Joseph shut-eyed

and I turned into Dr. Suess,

I finally made it to Xavier University. 

^ this beautiful place!

This girl (below) gave me a nice hug and a summary of orientation. 

She's a peach. We were roommates once upon a time. Then she introduced me to my co-counselor, Dalin, and gave us time to plan and get acquainted. He said, "So tell me about yourself."

I hemmed and hawed for a little bit and then said, "I'm really good at interpreting dreams. I love dreams. Sometimes I have psychic dreams."

Disclaimer: I was really tired. I had woken up at 4 in the morning. For some reason, that seemed like it would be relevant / interesting / impressive. I just forgot that that's not the best way to introduce yourself, because you sound a little crazy. 

Dalin raised his eyebrows politely. "That's pretty cool...." he said. I think he was thinking of how possible it would be to get a new co-counselor. 

Finally I was allowed to go to bed. Ten hours after my head hit the pillow, the children arrived. 

(For those of you who don't know, EFY stands for Especially For Youth and is a week-long program for 14-18 yr old girls and boys where they go and learn about the church and make friends and play games and go to dances and have a grand old time. Everyone is put into groups of about 20-30, called companies, and assigned to a boy counselor and girl counselor, who are co-counselors with each other.)

I introduced myself to my girls. They were adorable. I loved them immediately. 

Other than that, Monday was pretty uneventful: We went outside to meet the boys. There were 12 girls and 8 boys, which is not the awesomest ratio, but is still awesomer than the group with 22 girls and 10 boys. Dalin walked around on his hands and offered my skills as a dream interpreter. We forced the reluctant youth to stand boy-girl-boy-girl. We played some games. We set some goals. We ate some dinner. We went to sleep. 

Tuesday was a classy day. As in, we had classes. It was also a little awkward when:

- I realized that I should have gone to EFY as a youth. Anddd at the same time I realized that I may have been the one getting in trouble for having my shorts too short. 

- I got syrup in my hair. And my co-counselor sweetly pointed out that this was the 2nd day in a row that I got something in my hair. 

- I accidentally referenced The Bachelorette and immediately felt like the worst EFY counselor. 

- Another counselor asked if my co and I were going to get married. 

- A boy pushed one of my girls against the wall, ran away, ran back, barked at her, and then ran away again. What??

- Dalin and I taught dance etiquette to our company and there was a riot when he told them how high on the back their hand should be. 

- One of the counselors saw a couple dancing really close, and he went up and danced by them and then slowly parted them and shimmied in-between them and said, "Leave room for Jesus!" and the girl looked at him like she wanted to kill him. And then later, all the counselors laughed about it. 

I'll blog more later about the rest of the week :)

Guest Blogger: The Daily Tay

Anyone that reads my blog on a fairly regular basis....first of all thanks :) And second of all, those people might be surprised to see that I have a guest blogger today. It's a little surprising because I never do cool stuff like that with my blog. But then I discovered this lady when I was googling images of Arie, and she was doing a Guest Blogging Blitz, and it was just perfect timing. So without further adieu, I give you Taylor:

Well hello readers at The World is Your Oyster!

My name is Taylor and I blog over at The Daily Tay

Original blog name, I know.
But "Princess Diaries" was already taken, so what can you do.

Typically, I just blog about whatever catches my fancy for the day.

So it might be celebrity related,

(I was a little obsessed with Jessica Simpson's 19 month pregnancy.)

Or even about E-list celebs,

(crossing my fingers Michelle Duggar gets pregnant again any day now
so I can write a post like this again.)

But I almost always mention my dog, Harlow,

my boyfriend Chris,

and our day to day adventures living in Chicago.

Today (and probably for the next four months or so)

I'd like to talk about my love for summer.

Because I love everything about it.

I love boating,

and beer gardens,

sundresses,

and the smell of sunscreen,

wearing a swimsuit cover up for almost all hours of the day,

and just being outside all of the time!

And given the title of this blog, I should also 

mention how much I LOVE outdoor oyster bars.

I also like the fact it's the easiest time of year to trick people into 

thinking you're pretty good looking.

You know what I mean, right? 

Everything just looks better in the summer.

Let me explain myself, you see in the winter I suffer from a disease known as

W.U.D. (Winter Ugly Disorder)

My skin becomes translucent,

my hair turns dark and starts to break

and my nails often look like a Wolverwine has been gnawing on them for day.

It's just a rough time.

 No Facebook photos are allowed to be taken.

But then summer arrives and Mother Nature

finally allows all of us to crawl out of our winter skin

and experience the delight of tan legs and glowing hair once again!

Okay, I'm really not this shallow, I promise.

I just look really sick when I'm pale.

Now you know a little about me. 

Stop on by so I can learn more about you!

The Daily Tay

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A True Love Story

Girl walks into a bar.

Or a car dealership, whatever. To continue -

The first few rays of the barely-rising sun gleam off her spurs as she steps up to the counter.

"Give me something hard," she says, "I want the strongest thing you've got."

Bartender gulps nervously. "The strongest I've got?" he stammers. "It's barely sun-up. We're serving oatmeal right now and...."

Girl springs across the counter. Bartender finds himself eye-to-eye with the girl, her fingers twisting his collar, the cold mouth of her gun pressed against his head. "I said, I want the strongest thing you got," she says slowly.

"Baby, don't waste your time," comes a voice from the door.

Girl and Bartender snap their faces over to the door, squinting against the sunlight. Girl loosens her grip on Bartender and he slumps to the ground.

"You're gonna tell me what to do?" Girl replies. But she's listening, taking in his silhouette.

"I wouldn't tell you what to do." The figure at the door is back-lit by the sun, but Girl can hear a smile in his voice. He takes a step forward. "But I know what you want," he continues.

"How do you know anything about me?" she asks. He takes another step forward. She swings her arm up, cocking the gun as she aims it at him. "And I'd stay there, if I were you," she advises.

He doesn't even hesitate. He takes another step. "I know what you want, because it describes me perfectly," he says. "I'll give you the moon and stars." He's rugged. His voice slips through pearly-white teeth like honey dripping on the floor.

"What a line," Girl remarks. "Is there a lady in this world who would fall for that?"

"Couldn't say." He takes another step. She's close enough to study the stubble that dots his perfectly cut jaw. "Never had a reason to use it before now," he adds.

"What's the occasion?" she asks.

"Meeting the most perfect girl in the world..." he replies. Her gun clatters to the floor. He slides his hand under her hair, pulling her into his embrace. "...And kissing her," he finishes.

He dips her low. Lips meet. Just outside the saloon, fireworks erupt.

Girl's eyes flutter. "Who are you?" she whispers.

"Lerone," he smiles. "I'm Lerone."

This man and I....we're gonna go far together. 

PS: Is it normal to want to pet your car? And run to the window every hour to make sure he's still there? Or at least to sigh happily and smile at him? Not saying I did those things. Just wondering if that's normal. 

Pity the Pepper

If I were a really cool blogger, I would probably do occasional posts on the fancy food that I make err day, or the fancy clothes that I wear on the reg. But I don't really wear fancy clothes, and even though I do love to experiment with new foods when I come home, I never document them. Instead, I like to blog about the free food that other people make and then send my way.

(Just in case you are interested, I have made 21 dinners since being home, and like 9 breakfasts, and 2 lunches, and they have all been really great.)

But today, I actually would like to tell you about the dinner I made. It was called: salmon and wild rice. It is an old favorite in our family when we are running low on time because it is super-quick and super-simple.

Anyway, today, I went downstairs to find some wild rice in the yellow room. Only I got assaulted by two black pepper grinders that fell on the floor and immediately shattered, as if all the world had wronged them by looking for wild rice.

Sarah came rushing in to help me clean up the mess. One of them still had lots of pepper left in it, so I put it up on the shelf again so I could bring it upstairs with me and add it to the other pepper grinder.

"It's okay, Heather," Sarah said, by way of comforting me. "I break goblets sometimes."


This is true. She has broken three in the past 2 months.

She held the dustpan and I started sweeping the pepper and glass into it. "Dad would be in heaven," she said. "All this pepper...."

Less than one minute after we finished cleaning it up, the pepper grinder that still had lots of pepper in it fell again. And shattered. And Sarah came back in to help me clean that mess up.

Which is why my go-to methods for finding food that I need include:

1. calling a brother to get it
2. calling a sister to get it
3. when all else fails, calling in Mom to get it.

Because if I have to look for it, all the pepper grinders will shatter.

This may or may not be a metaphor. And in case you're wondering, I'm currently in the market for car insurance. So, there's that.

Also, I may not be a "real blogger" in the sense that I post about recipes and outfits, but next week I will do something cool and real blogger-y! Called, I will have a guest blogger do a little post. I'm pretty excited about it and all of you should be, too :) So stay tuned for that!

Bachelorette Heather

Sometimes when I watch the Bachelorette, I accidentally start to feel like I am The Bachelorette. By that I just mean that I relate men on the show to men in my life.

And sometimes I accidentally almost try out to be the next Bachelorette, nearly giving my father a heart attack.

Also, I sometimes get way more flirtatious when I watch the show. Oops.

The Bachelorette also makes me think about what I would like to say to all of the boys who have ever had a part in my life. Sometimes I wish I could line them all up, like for a rose ceremony, but it would be way longer, because I wouldn't just hand them a rose or not. I would go down the line and tell them all exactly what I think of them.

To Bachelor #1, I would say: "I wish I could make up my mind about you. That would be cool."

I would give him a rose. And then I would flounce on over to Bachelor #2, to whom I would say:

"I wish it wasn't so easy to talk to you. I wish you didn't catch on to my jokes so quickly. I wish I didn't love your family so hard. I wish you would go jump in a lake and never take me to dinner again."

And then I would kindly send him on his way, out of my life forever, and turn to Bachelor #3. I would really love to smack him soundly across the face, but ladies on The Bachelorette use their words more than their open palms, so instead, I would probably say something like:

"You are so gay. I don't even have words. You are also super-horny and I don't think I've ever met someone as immature as you are. Anddd you are a slobbery kisser. If I never see you again it will be too soon."

And then I would snap my fingers and have some burly security guards come and escort him out. And by "escort," I mean "defenestrate."

To Bachelor #4, I would say: "Again, no. No. Stop making awkward comments. It's not going to happen. I can't stress this enough. Please stop being self-destructive."

And then, hopefully, Bachelor #4 would take my advice, and I wouldn't give him a rose, and we would both be much happier, and I could move on to the next man in the line.

To whom I would say: "Awkward that I had a dream about you recently. Also awkward that you are suddenly my favorite person in this line, but still in a totally platonic way." And then he would scoot on out the door and back to his lovely wife, who really is lovely, and we would all carry on in our happily separate lives.

Bachelor #5 (since that last one doesn't really count as a bachelor) is a man to whom I really have nothing to say. Besides, "I still wish I had timed that better, so I could have at least gotten a ride on your motorcycle."

And that would be the last time I ever expressed an ounce of sorrow that that is over.

Bachelor #6 is someone I would not be altogether thrilled to see, because I would have to say sorry to him. I'd have to tell him that, all toolish Facebook pictures aside, I actually think he's kind of a catch. And I really should have gone to the lake with him. I would offer him a rose, but I doubt he would take it.

Next I would say, "Oh hello, Bachelor #7. I don't know why I think you are so cute, but I really do. I may have told my friend that you look like Nick Jonas. It's a good thing, don't worry. I also have a secret goal that involves you serenading me by the end of the summer."

Hopefully, he would work extremely hard to help me accomplish that goal. I mean, there is a rose on the line.

But then I would get to Bachelor #8, who would probably have brought his girlfriend in an attempt to make me feel stupid. But I would just smile at her, wondering what on Earth she could be thinking, and tell him that if I had to relive it, I would reject him again. Even now that I know of the awkwardness that followed. Even if I had to relive that 100 times.

Once Bachelor #8 and his girlfriend had gone on their way, I would turn my attention to Bachelor #9. At this point, my burly security guards would hand me a palm tree, with which i would thump him on the head. Then I would say:

"You're the dumbest boy I've ever met! Honestly! And you look like you're twelve! And I don't care that much for you, but I can't understand you for the life of me. Literally, no understanding. Goodbye." Cue the burly security guards.

I would then grab Bachelor #10 by his lapels and shake him. And I would demand that he take me on a date right then, because I still freakin' want a date with that man. Emily always asks, "Will you accept this rose?" But our conversation would sound more like, "Take the dang rose."

When I got back from my date with Bachelor #10, which I'm sure would be a letdown after all this time and anticipation, I would smile winningly at Bachelor #11. And if I was feeling particularly bold, I might just say:

"Yeah, I did make it a point to memorize and call your number during kissing rugby. You better be there when I go again. I promise I'll try to say something clever this time. I was feeling a little concussed last time, okay?"

I'm sure he would respond positively. Especially when I handed him a rose.

As The Bachelorette, I would hand Bachelor #12 a rose, along with date card asking him to go country-dancing with me. For some reason, I think that would be so fun....but I think I would send him home after that.

I would tell Bachelor #13:

"Your girl has frizzy hair. And I don't know why you're in my line, you should be in my friend's line of bachelors.....but while you're here, I might as well tell you that you are ruining my life right now. I hope you're happy."

My producers would come and help him find the right line, and I would turn to Bachelor #14.

"Hi," I would say. "You're an idiot. I am going to txt you one more time....one. And that will be the last time we ever speak if you don't call me up soon afterwards to ask me to go fly a kite with you."

Oh, and then I would say the exact same thing to Bachelor #15. And I would ask them both on a group date for the next week.

And finally, I would ask Bachelor #16 this burning question I've been dying to ask for about a month now: "Are you gay?"

I would also invite this guy to come on my season.....

....provided he doesn't win Emily's heart,

 and I would send this guy:

p-p-p-packing. So fast. And you better believe I wouldn't be going to meet his parents.